From Servant to Support

Secrets and Help

I woke up the next morning to Mark standing next to me. I sat up. "What are you doing?" I asked him.

"I'm your personal servant. You want water?" He asked, holding up a glass of water.

"No."

He put down the glass of water on my dresser. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," I said, turning myself so my back was towards him and he couldn't see my face. "Telling others about my... my mental health issues... It tires me out."

"Do you want anything?"

"A couple more minutes asleep," I said, my face still away from him. I didn't really want sleep, though. I wanted another hug, but I was too nervous to ask.

Funny. I went from always asking for everything that I can do myself, to being scared to ask for a hug. Is that progress? Wait, no. Too much progress. I just wanted a hug.

I buried my face into my blanket when I felt more tears sting my eyes. Someone opened the door, but it wasn't Mark leaving, because I could still sense him looking at me.

"Captain?" Oh. It was Celci. "Captain, are you alright?" I could feel her looking at me with worry.

"They're fine. They're just tired," Mark snapped.

"Do you seriously not know anything?" She scoffed and wrapped her arms around me. "Come on. It's okay, Captain." I resisted the urge to hug back. I was too nervous. "Come here. It's fine." I trembled, tears staining my sheets. "Hey... It's okay... I can tell you want to hug back... You can hug back, okay, Captain...?" I hesitantly hugged back.

"Why is it so hard...?" I asked softly, voice breaking. "It's so hard to allow myself to do everything... To ask anything... I can't even ask for a simple hug..."

"I bet I know why..." Mark said, rubbing my back in a comforting way.

"Shut up, Mark," Celci snapped. "You probably don't."

"You're scared of becoming the person you were at the beginning of yesterday, again. Always asking other people to do things, so much that you've become lazy, and you've become... a bit toxic."

Celci thought for a moment. "Okay, maybe you do, but it doesn't help."

"Actually, I find having understanding of emotions can help," He responded.

"How did you suddenly get all of this knowledge?" Celci asked, squinting at Mark. "Anyways, we have to get to breakfast. Or do you want to stay here?"

"I am kind of hungry, but on the other hand, I--" Mark started.

"Not you, Mark! I was talking to the Captain! And here, I thought you were getting smart..."

"Hey!"

"I'll go to breakfast, I guess... However, you have to remember not to tell anyone about my... mental... condition... (previously misspelled as "metal condition)"

"You got it, Captain!" Mark saluted.

I stood between Mark and Celci on the way to breakfast.

When we got to breakfast, there was string cheese. And Mark ate it wrong. Of course.

I noticed that we were getting some stares from Mack, one of the crew members. After a few minutes, he came over.

"Hey, Mack," I mumbled.

"Hey, there, Captain. I noticed how lazy you've been, and I think we should have a captain that's more... involved. Better than you." Mark and Celci could tell that my mental stability dropped. I felt an assuring squeeze on my hand from Celci, and Mark put a hand on my back. "I think we all deserve a captain that's better than you."

I felt tears threaten to sting my eyes and stream down my face, but I held them back. "With..." I tried to stop my voice from breaking, but it wasn't working very well. "With all due respect, Mack, I made a realization of that, last night, and... I decided to be a better captain. I've had a hard night and a hard morning, so now is not the time for your humongous ego!"

"My humongous ego?!" He burst into laughter. "I'm sorry! I--!" He said between laughing. After a while, he finally stopped. "Oh, God. I'm sorry. That's just hilarious to hear from someone who uses others. Like Mark."

I felt tears finally sting my eyes as I looked up at him. "Hey. It's okay," Mark muttered into my ear.

"No. It's not." I pulled out the tablet used to summon Mark.

"Look at you," Mack said, "about to give him another order."

"No. I'm not."

"Then why do you have--?"

I threw the tablet onto the ground in attempt to break it. However, there was not even a crack. They stared at me. "Uh..." I stomped my foot on it, trying to shatter it. Not even the tiniest of scratches. I picked it up and tried to rip it apart in a desperate attempt to destroy it. "What is this thing made of?!" I threw it at a wall, and finally, it broke. "Stupid modern technology..." I muttered. I looked at Mack.

"Wow. Um... Okay. Just... Wow. You just... Yeah, you're still a bad captain."

"Screw you!" I screamed before running off, tears finally streaming down my face. I ran to my room and curled up into a ball in my bed. I heard a knock on my door. "Go away, Mack! I know it's you!"

"Actually, it's Celci." I lifted my head. I forced myself out of bed and opened the door. "Hi." I let her in and closed the door behind her. "I, uh... I yelled at Mack for you."

"You didn't have to do that. I was gonna do that." I flopped onto my bed backwards. I stared at the ceiling. "He's right. I am a bad captain."

"No, he's not."

"Yes, he is!" I sighed. "Sorry."

"It's fine."

"No, it's not." I stood up. There was another knock at the door. I opened it, thinking it would be Mark.

"Hey, Captain." It was Mack.

"What the heck do you want?"

"Just let me take over. The colony will improve a lot more, and--"

"No, Mack."

"You didn't let me fini--"

"I said no!" I slammed the door.

"Okay, um..." Celci walked up to me. "Let's get your mind off of this. What's a good song for you to listen to when you're feeling like this?"

"There's this song. It's like a mix of two different songs from two different musicals. It's, uh... It's You Will be Found and The Story of Tonight... I haven't actually seen Dear Evan Hansen, but the You Will be Found part of the song makes me feel more positive, and I like Hamilton."

"Wanna play that song?" Celci asked. I nodded.

There was another knock on the door when the song ended. "Mack, if that's you--"

"It's not Mack. It's Mark." I sighed and opened the door. "Hey. You alright?"

"Better now than I was."

"Want a hug?" He asked.

"I mean, kinda," I mumbled, a bit embarrassed. He wrapped his arms around me and Celci did as well.

For the first time in a long time, I felt a smile creep onto my face. A small one, but still.

Unfortunately, I knew it was only temporary, as I would most likely be back to how I was in a few minutes.

But for now, I was happy. Well, happier then normal.