Crimes for the Season: a Criminal's Compendium

Crimes for the Season

Perhaps the most important decision to make when plotting a crime is when the crime will take place. For example, pickpocketing is entirely out of fashion in the winter. Not only would you look like an idiot, but with everyone wearing so many layers over their pockets it's hard to get anything. Taking weather related attire into account is a must. It's also important to note what you are comfortable in. Nobody wants to wear a ski mask in the sweltering heat of the summer. However, in a bluntly contradictory way, beauty is pain. Do you think Madclad Bootshines was comfortable wearing a bodysuit of broken mirrors? No! He sacrificed his comfort for the pizzazz. And need I remind you of Horace Horsefingers? Ugh, it was not a pretty sight. Thoroughly memorable, though. Traumatizing.

My point being, go with the flow. Follow the trends. Here is a list of crimes to commit each season. Feel free to mix things up a bit, but before you know what's cool and what's George Washington, I advise you follow this list.

Spring:

Spring is the season to get flashy with your crime. Masks! Capes*! Booby traps! Don't be afraid to try something new and bold. Wear frog skin! Throw ninja stars! Possibilities are endless. (* See Chapter 3: Scandalous Attire for information about the dangers of capes.)

Spring is a popular time to:
-Tax fraud
-Shake vending machines
-Vandalism of mailboxes
-Theft of mailboxes
-Unwanted installment of mailboxes
-Feed the pigeons
-Murder

Summer

Summer is a great time to show off your skills. With everyone out frolicking and having picnics, you are sure to be seen by a crowd of bystanders if you do your evil in public.

Summer is a suitable time to:
-Explosions
-Drive dangerously into mailboxes
-Arson
-High speed chase
-Dognapping
-Pretending to be a certified lifeguard
-Murder

Fall

Fall is a wonderful time to celebrate the fall of your enemies. Fatally injure a hero in honor of yourself this season.

Fabulous crimes to commit in the fall:
-Kidnapping
-Poisoning
-Organized hauntings
-Loitering
-Robbing a candle store
-Blackmail (all forms)
-Glue a mailbox shut
-Murder

Winter

Out of all the seasons, Winter is the most difficult to be evil in. Many villains struggle with S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder), and lack motivation in the winter. In addition, a rising number of evil-doers have been reporting that they are suffering from burnout and exhaustion. Because of this, it is recommended that villains everywhere take a break from their crimes over the winter and focus on their mental health instead. Use the free time to catch up with loved ones, find a new hobby, or make a new nemesis. Sit back and relax. Watch pirated movies. Plan out your next big crime.

For those of you still itching to be evil, winter is the prime time to take part in good old fashioned ski mask robberies.

Wonderful winter crimes:
-Bank robbery
-Steal Santa letters from mailboxes
-Biohazard crimes
-Piracy
-Exploding snowmen (a classic)
-Murder

Look at you- you have made it so far! You are sure to be on the right path if you follow this seasonal guide, but there is so much more to villainy than the time of year. "Crimes for the Season: a Criminal's Compendium" will cover all the bases of evil, from mask styles to sidekicks. Keep reading to learn what the best villains don't want you to find out, lest you shine brighter than they.