Loving You as a Friend [BL]

Chapter 22: That's a Lie

"Lucius... do you think you'll ever have the chance to enter his heart?" Darcel decided to break the silence, mostly to distract himself from thinking any further with those thoughts. His voice broke off more than he thought, as if he was disturbed by it.

Lucius noticed the slight change in Darcel, wanting to point it out but he continued on, "He's too much of a presence in Shin-kun's heart..."

'I wished you weren't important in my heart, I wished I stopped caring about your happiness, to the point I would fake my feelings just to make you smile.'

"Don't overthink it." He quickly interjected, "We might not be the person he wants to meet again but it shouldn't matter. He still cares about us all the same. Our appearances may have changed but we are still the same, our soul is." Lucius tried to pacify Darcel, who seemed lost at their current situation but deep down, this wasn't what he was concerned about. At least, Shin wasn't the person he had in mind.

"Miyamoto, we have a lot of time to change his perception of us and even if we can't, I'm sure that you wouldn't want to ruin his happiness just for our selfish desires." He reached over once more, just stopping short of Darcel's head when he saw him tense up.

Sensing the lack of movement, Darcel lifted his head, peering at Lucius who was in an awkward position, "Why are you..."

'Stopping?' Darcel dismissed it in his mind, 'It's better he didn't try, I wouldn't have to keep hiding every time.'

Lucius was about to withdraw his hand when he noticed how Darcel's eyes were beginning to dim, as if he was looking disappointed while trying to dismiss something. "Miyamoto, is there something wrong? Why are you looking away, so disappointed?" He hesitantly cupped both of his cheeks, directing Darcel, so he would look him in the eye, "Is there something wrong? Can I help you with it?"

Darcel gritted his teeth, his jaw muscles were tightening, 'I know you mean well but I don't want anything more than just a friend's concern... Please stop making me misunderstand, I only keep getting disappointed every time.'

"..."

"Forget it, I'm fine." Darcel started to walk off, 'What was I expecting... No, expecting something was my fault.' Darcel quickened his steps as a reflection of his pacing thoughts, almost leaving Lucius behind to watch his back.

"Wait, don't leave. There's something wrong so let's talk about it, Miyamoto."

Lucius tugged on his wrist, pulling him back and almost hugging him in his arms, "I might not be able to help you solve it but I can be here for you so don't run away from me... please." His voice was laced with a pleading tone, "I know you feel upset about Shin-kun but... I get this sense that you're thinking about something else. Let me help you Miyamoto."

"I can tell when there's something wrong. I haven't been your friend for two lifetimes for nothing." Lucius gripped his wrist tighter. "So don't try to hide it from me."

Darcel could feel the heat from his wrist, slowly travelling up his arm, moving to his shoulder before spreading out into his body. 'What else am I supposed to do if I didn't try to hide it? Am I supposed to just tell you, out loud and confidently and expect to not get hurt in return?' He stared at his hand, contemplating it. 'If I say it now, would anything change... or would it change everything... I'd rather everything just stay the same, that way I don't hurt anymore than I already do.'

"Aikawa... I..." The words were right there, bubbling in his throat. Should he say it? Or should he swallow them back once more?

'But can I really be happy for them if I never told him anything, even till the very end?'

Lucius smiled, seeing him trying to be honest, "Take your time, okay?" He resisted the urge to rub his head, shifting his hand down, away from Darcel's wrist, opting to hold his hand instead. This was enough for Darcel to snap his head towards him, lightly trying to shake him off. "Just let me have this, okay? I won't do anything."

Darcel knew he should avoid any unnecessary contact with Lucius but in a moment like that, maybe all he needed was a small gesture like this. But he felt like crying, not because he was so happy from Lucius's kind words, but because he knew that his next actions would change everything.

He kept choking and swallowing back his words, pacing back and forth, unable to decide. 'Everything I've built up and hid for so many years will just crumble if I ever just said it. Why?... I want to cry so much because I know that there's no hope for me so why?... Why do I still want to tell him?'

Lucius noticed his nervousness, smiling to himself, squeezing his hand as reassurance, "I'm not going anywhere."

'That's a lie. You will go everywhere he goes.'

Taking a deep breath in, Darcel tried to relax his body in preparation. "I'm not saying this because I want something out of you, I'm not saying this because I want things to change, I'm only saying this because I don't want to regret the possibility of never being able to say it."

Releasing the breath that he was holding, he said, in a steady voice, "I like you, Aikawa."

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IMPORTANT NOTE!!!

When Haru says 'I like you, Ren-san', he is specifically saying 'Kimi no koto ga suki'. For those wondering, why can't he just say 'kimi ga suki'? While yes, both translate to "I like you", the addition of 'no koto' makes it more 'definitive'.

'Suki' means like and depending on context, the word itself is ambiguous. 'Suki' can be said to a friend as well, but with the addition of 'no koto', it's more associated with romantic love rather than platonic love. (which is ironic because the story's called 'Loving You as a Friend' XD).

I guess this is how I would translate these two phrases:

Kimi no koto ga suki > I love (everything/the thing that is) you

Kimi ga suki > I like you (ambiguous)

It's a little confusing to explain (I'm not a native speaker but I do know a little bit of Japanese) but basically, Haru is serious about his feelings towards Ren.

Aside from my writing notes...

I apologise for not updating for a few months!! I've been busy for the past few months and the rest of the year isn't looking less busy.

For all the new readers who have joined in between my hiatus, I really do appreciate all the comments and votes that you guys leave behind. I do read them actually, and they always make me smile.

So thank you for all your continuous support. I don't know when the next update will be but I hope you will continue to stick around even after all this time.

( ＾◡＾)っ ♡