tutor; stenbrough

30

30

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stanley shifts uncomfortably in the library seat, his slightly shaking fingers hovering half an inch above the keyboard of his laptop. he can feel that his breaths are uneven, and he just hopes that bill, at least, who sits directly across from him, can't hear it. with one final click, stan forwards the rough draft of his college letter to his father.

it's stanley and bill's spare period, which they had been relieved to discover that they shared, and after working with the football player on some formulas and then leaving him to practice them, stanley had taken the time to review what he'd written a few days prior. after doing so for half the period, and making numerous changes, he'd realized that there was nothing more for him to alter.

unfortunately, while stanley knows that he had done the best he could possibly do on the letter, and that he had included all of the things that he'd worked so hard to achieve, he's also more than well acquainted with his father's standards, and the way that the man almost always has something to say about how stanley just didn't do enough, or the ways in which he could have done better.

stanley attempts to remind himself that there's no way for him to control the way that his father reacts, but it does nothing to keep his nerves at bay. instead, the anxious energy floods his veins, making his heart pump faster, and he barely realizes that he's releasing the uneasiness he feels through what he hopes to be an unrecognizable tap of his worn running shoe on the stained library carpet.

his father doesn't answer for five minutes, and then ten, and then fifteen. stanley almost thinks that he won't be receiving a response during their spare, but then finally there's a low ping coming from his laptop and stanley is rushing to his inbox to read his most recent email. his eyes scan the screen, and he tries to remind himself not to get his hopes up, which turns out to be beneficial when he recognizes the evident disapproval in his father's message, basically telling him to redo the letter entirely.

i just want you to recognize your potential, the email closes with. it's the same thing that his father tells him time and time again, maybe to soften the harshness of his constant disappointment in his son. you think that you're a hard worker, but you need to work harder if you want to recognize your potential. as if stan didn't already work hard enough. as if he hadn't already dedicated his entire waking life to being the best he can be. but still, it's never enough. it never had been, not for his father.

stanley hasn't even realized that he's sighed out loud until bill is peering up at him from the math problems in front of him, eyebrows furrowed in concern, his lips twisted down just the slightest bit.

"everything okay, stan?"

bill's voice sounds like it's coming from another place entirely, and stanley feels nauseous at the inquiry.

"it's stanley, william," he corrects bill, because it's much easier for him to do instead of answering the question he'd been asked.

bill pauses, rolling his eyes, but then he tries again anyways. "is everything okay, stanley?"

stanley doesn't know how to respond, and he feels that same weight on his chest, the one that settles in place every time he feels like he's not doing enough, but he doesn't want to get into that with bill, because why would he? they aren't friends, not really, and it's not like stanley's ever had, or needed, anyone to confide in before. why start now?

with a deep breath in, he tries to fill that emptiness in his chest, hoping against all hope that if he inhales enough air, the anxiety will fade and he'll be reminded of how hard he really does work. it doesn't, though, and he's not reminded of anything aside from the disappointed email from his father and the unrealistic expectations that he knows he'll never live up to.

so instead he just turns to bill, and he feels like he's outside of his own body as he forces a small smile onto his lips, hoping that it looks convincing, or at least convincing enough that bill won't be tempted to ask any more questions.

"everything's fine, william. have you finished the practice problems i gave you?"

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insight into stan's life bc it's important

sorry for late update but ily guys <3