the opportunity that was hard to come by | a chilumi fanfiction

[8] burning or thirsty for love?

He wasn't bad at what he was doing. He was gentle and slow about it, and if it had been a year ago, she would have thought that it was one of the best things she'd ever felt from a man. But it wasn't a year ago and she had felt far better things from one particular man.

Also, Thoma was quiet. In fact, he seemed to never make so much as a peep. Even his heavier breathing wasn't very audible, and while she supposed it wasn't a big deal, she was used to a lot more noise and also a lot of talking, like, when Childe would be doing this very same thing to her and his mouth would be at her ear as he said something like "Like that, princess? I can tell, you're fucking soaked. Oh archons, you feel so good..."

Her accidental fantasy - or memory, really - had the unintended consequence of making a sudden jolt of pleasure fly straight to where Thoma's hand was, and she realized then that she could not, in fact, do this. Not one bit.

"Wait, wait," she said breathlessly, grabbing his arm and pushing him away.

"What's wrong?" He asked, brows furrowed as he hovered over her and kept his hands away. "Did I do something or -"

"No, no," she shook her head, a little breathless. "No, you're fine. It's just... it's um....

"You're not ready for this?" he guessed.

She shook her head. "No." She paused. "I don't know."

He released a heavy sigh and nodded, rolling off of her and sitting back on his heels. She suddenly felt exposed like that, being in just her underwear, so she sat up as well and let her long hair cover most of her chest, not caring if it was silly or not.

"I'm sorry," she told him cautiously, trying to tell if he was upset or not.

"Well, it's been a month, Lumine," he replied, a little more snippy of a tone than she would have expected. "I've been patient, I just want a-."

"... want a what?"

"I want an adult relationship, Lumine," he replied. "If you're not ready then that's fine, but when are you going to be ready?"

She stared at him in slight sorrow for a moment before holding his cheek and giving him a soft smile, "I'm sorry. I have been very cruel to you."

"Wait, Lumine, I – don't say what I think you're about to say"

"No, wait, I need to say it," she said, picking up her clothes and turning her back to him as she put her bra back on. "I am a horrible person, I frickin' suck, and I-I'm not an adult if I'm not ready to have it yet."

"Oh, Barbatos," he grumbled, getting off the bed and reaching for her. "Calm down, Lumine, a minute before you freak out and-"

"No," she said, turning around and giving him a humorless smile. "This is what I do. I freak out. I, freak out all the time and I'm weird and I make, stupid decisions and sometimes I'm not ready for things right away, okay? And I think you're a nice guy, I do, and I like you but I really don't think I should do this to myself. I can't explain it but I just can't."

His expression turned soft as she continued getting dressed. "There's someone else, right?"

"Thoma, I-" Lumine stuttered. "I am so sorry. Maybe there's someone else, I don't know. I-I, Thoma, this is making me crazy."

He laughed a bit sympathetically. "I understand. I've had my fair share of crazy love."

Buttoning up her shirt and deciding that underneath all of that charm he was actually a broken man, she replied, "I know you want a real relationship. It meant caring about each other and trusting each other and only wanting something if the other person wants it too. Anything outside that is just... cheap. And I know that cheap is something that you don't deserve."

She knew that, she realized, because of the very man that she had come here to get over. Even though they'd never been in a true "relationship" by most standards, Childe had treated her in a way that no other man ever had. She trusted him with everything, just as he did with her.

Not only had he absolutely ruined her for other men when it came to sex, but she was now sure that she was ruined in every other way as well.

"Look," Thoma said, a little more soberly, "in the few months we have been together, I could have sworn you felt the same way that I do."

She sighed, looking him over and realizing that she had broken a very good man. But she can't help but feel a lot for Childe. Although she had gotten along with him and had a genuinely good time up until now, she felt absolutely nothing for him. Not a thing.

"I guess you're right," she replied quietly, "there's someone that I can't get over. I've tried, but... I can't get past this guy, and it sucks because he just sees me as a... really good friend, so screw me, but... there it is." She shrugged. "And you deserve better than that, I know that this is a cruel and mean thing to say, but I think we should probably just say we had a good time and... move on."

He responded by putting his hands on his hips and blowing out a heavy breath. "Well. This isn't how I expected the night to go."

She laughed softly. "Yeah. That's life, isn't it?"