the opportunity that was hard to come by | a chilumi fanfiction

[5] inside the mind of a harbinger

Hutao was right. She deserved better. But she knew that she wasn't gonna do a thing to change it. She would see this thing through to the bitter, miserable end.

From the day that Childe had met Lumine, he knew that she was something special. There were very few things in life that he was sure of, but he knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

She had burst into his studio three years earlier with a crumpled up newspaper ad in hand and a declaration of "I got mugged yesterday and I need to learn how to take care of my money because this is the worst city ever and I can't believe that I moved here."

He had looked her over, about 5'8 inches of freaked out 20-something blonde with golden eyes that were as determined as they were angry and scared, and he had replied with, "Getting mugged is a rite of passage. Welcome to Liyue." After she stared at him incredulously, he pointed to a clock on the wall and said, "Have a seat. I'll be right with you in a sec."

He hadn't expected her to become one of his best friends, but he had long ago learned to expect the unexpected when it came to life. It was just so rare to have received something good among life's usually much less pleasant surprises.

For all of Childe's charm, wit, and seemingly easy smiles, there was a lot of darkness hidden beneath that lighthearted exterior. Because of his experience in the spiral abyss for three months, he learned to use humor and his outgoing nature as a coping mechanism, and while that was certainly better than heavy drinking or bed-hopping - though he'd done his fair share of those things too - it didn't come without downsides.

In general, he found that he was either on one, end of the emotional spectrum or the other, and there wasn't a lot of in between. Either he felt good enough to get up, get out of his apartment and go to work, maybe hang out with Xiao or the others after and have a good time and laugh and be his usual self, or he could barely find the will to get out bed and he spent most of the day trying to quiet the demons in his head when they would try to mount a comeback and drag him back to hell. It was this struggle that built the foundation of one of his most self-destructive beliefs: that he was just too damaged and messed up to be truly loved.

Xiao and Childe created a unique friendship that resulted with them relying on one another as often as one thinks. The others, Hutao, Yanfei, and a handful of others, they cared for him too, and the same was true of Lumine. She was so sweet and giving, and once upon a time, back when he had still been just getting to know her, he wondered if maybe their connection was more romantic than platonic. She was gorgeous to be sure and just his type, and she made him laugh the way very few others could. The idea made perfect sense, and yet nothing ever came of it.

There were several reasons as to why. Lumine, while she was an orphan who had not lived a particularly easy life, was still nowhere near the damaged goods that Childe considered himself as being. He thought of her as far more pure and innocent than anyone else in his life, and the thought of defiling that or asking her to take on his baggage the way that she would have to in a real romantic relationship... he simply couldn't do it to her and would not ask it of her.

And so, early on, he had bottled up any potential feelings that might have existed and he forced himself to view Lumine in a strictly platonic light. It was fine because she seemed to feel the same way about him, and she never said a word that made him think otherwise. It was best that way for both of them, and he never had a reason to doubt that. Sure, it made things a little awkward when he'd see her in some great dress or she'd do or say something that made his blood run a little hotter, but he couldn't help that he was attracted to her. He could, however, pretend that he wasn't and completely ignore the occasional desires to kiss her or bury his face in her hair and let its scent overwhelm him.