Only Of You <3

• Chapter 2 •

(TW MENTIONS OF SELF HARM)

I woke up to the worst hangover in the history of hangovers, it felt like there where tiny little bastards with hammers knocking around the walls of my head. The truth is i don't remember a lot of what happened last night after the bathroom situation all i know is i found Paige and i ended up here in my bed. I cant believe the first time i have the balls to talk to a fit guy he ends up holding my hair back as i puke my guts up. Typical. I look around the familiar room, my eyes scanning over the array of posters clinging on by sheds of blue-tac. I could lay here all day.. i glanced at the clock next to me.. FUCK!

HOW DID I FORGET I HAD COLLAGE!

Now usually in this situation it would just skip but since it's something i usually do they're going to start getting suspicious. Fuck sake. Using all the strength in my body i lift myself from my bed as i rush to get dressed and do at least some makeup so i don't look like a rotting corpse. I ran out the door practically ignoring my mam on the way out in a rush to collage.

I was sat outside on the green just wishing the day could be over, as much as Paige was my best friend she kind of had her own little group and i didn't want to interfere even thought she said it was okay. Plus i like spending my lunch alone because at collage it's acceptable unlike in school. There's many downsides to being alone though because it's when i think the most, and when you leave someone who has anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder alone for too long it becomes a cesspool of hell.

I notice a familiar figure in the distance with two other guys, pushing each other across the green. After looking like an absolute creep i recognise the familiar figure as Billie, i cringe at the thought of last night. He must have noticed me staring because he starts walking over to me i practically nearly shit myself on the spot.

"Hey Liz are you feeling okay this morning?" He asks letting a smile tug on his lips but showing genuine concern.

Now here's the thing i'm autistic, when autistic people are in awkward social situations sometimes we do this thing called "muting"

"..." This is so annoying why cant the words just come out i look like a right knob. After failing to say the most simple sentence in the universe i smile giving him an awkward thumbs up. I hate myself.

"Good...these are my friends Mike and Tre"
I can tell he's so confused as to why the hell i'm not speaking but i smile and wave at them both god i look like such a freak.

"I'll call you later" says billie as him and his friends walk away, why the fuck am i like this, they probably think i'm some rude stuck up bitch who won't talk to them. Ugh.

The day finally ends and i make my way home and throw myself on my bed, I've totally ruined it because of my stupid brain.

I know technically the way my brain thinks is out of my control but it makes me angry that i'll never experience what it's like to be a normal person. Especially with OCD and i know you all have automatically thought i'm a neat freak. I wish it was that easy. My intrusive thoughts get so overwhelming that i sometimes resort to well self infliction, it scares me how my brain can be so disgusting and trick me all the time. It's exhausting. I now know why they call OCD the doubting disorder because sometimes i cant even tell what's real anymore what thoughts are intrusive and what ones aren't. But anyway i'm getting in my head again.

I stare at the celling idly as my feat danced to an imaginary rhythm. I'm so bored. I was freed from my imagination when the phone beside me rang. Shit it must be Billie. I hesitate before picking up the phone.

"IM SORRY" I blurt out. Why did i do that?

"What?" I heard billies voice through the static.

"I..." Here we go. "I'm sorry for earlier.. I have autism and my brain just tells me to mute in certain situations and it's really annoying.. and embarrassing- "

"Liz.. i know a few autistic people... it's okay.. you need to stop apologising for yourself"

It went silent on both ends. i hate silence.

"Anyway, i was wondering if you would like to go out some time or maybe come over?"

My heart is doing summersaults

"Oh..Sure yeah sure totally" I think the messaged was recived on the first sure you idiot.

"An offer you could not refuse?" i could see the smirk as n his face.

"Oh shut up!" i say laughing

"Bye beautiful" he giggles hanging up the phone.

OH

MY

GOD

WHAT THE FUCK! GET IN!