Their Fireheart

Chapter Nineteen

Swallowing roughly, I said softly, "We're both experts at clamming up, but we need to talk about this like reasonable people."

He said nothing, and when I glanced over at him, his eyes were cold - almost as cold as his voice had been earlier tonight.

Terror wrapped her poisonous claws around my throat.

"Don't shut me out," I breathed.

Those emerald eyes shot to mine, something flickering in their depths.

"Never," he said hoarsely. "That's not -"

He cut himself off, exhaling a harsh gust of air. My heartbeat pounded in my ears.

"Rowan -"

My voice was a whisper in the darkness, thin and reedy.

"I attacked a member of my cadre tonight," he laughed mirthlessly, "brutally, and without hesitation. And I would have killed them, I would have killed them all, if you had given me the slightest indication that's what you wanted."

Oh, gods.

The raw emotion in his voice shredded my heart, tore at my very soul. I'd done that, put him in that position. It's my fault he feels that way. I did this. Me. His mate.

"Rowan, I -"

My throat closed up, and I stood, pacing in front of him. I couldn't look at him, couldn't bear to see the pain that I had caused. I should have known that no matter how hard I tried, only death and destruction followed in my wake.

Carnage was my only legacy.

"I'm sorry," I forced out. "I'm so sorry I put you in that position. I hope you know I never wanted you to have to defend me against your former comrades."

"Aelin -"

Rowan tried to interrupt, but I barreled on, knowing I had to get this out now, before it was too late, before I ruined everything with inaction. Again.

"You know I can take care of myself; you don't ever have to put yourself in that position again. I would never want you to do something that obviously upsets you -"

"Aelin."

Rowan's sharp command broke me free of my ramblings, just as a large, calloused palm wrapped around my wrist, tugging me around to meet his wide, incredulous eyes.

Those emerald orbs searched mine, looking for some sort of explanation, while I just stood there, the world yawning around me, cold and still.

Slowly, carefully, Rowan demanded, "Do you think I'm upset because I attacked Lorcan tonight? Because I had to face off against my so-called cadre?"

I nodded hesitantly. What other explanation was there? If I hadn't been so foolish, so stupidly unaware, maybe I could have stopped the confrontation from happening in the first place ... but I hadn't, and it had.

Rowan chuffed a soft laugh and leaned forward to press his forward to mine.

Reality swirled around me, and I was drowning in a whirlwind of confusion.

Pulling back slightly, Rowan said, "You're brilliant, Fireheart, but for once, you couldn't be further from the truth."

I nearly furrowed my brow at him, certain I should be upset at his words. But I was too busy being mesmerized by the cacophony of emotions in my mate's eyes, anger, amusement, self-loathing, possessiveness. I couldn't make sense of it.

"I'm upset, not because I attacked them, but because those fuckers wanted you - and worse than that, they actually thought they could have you - and it's my gods-damned fault." He sucked in a breath, his broad chest expanding as he admitted, "I failed you."