Sincerely, Delilah

TWO

I woke up to loud, impatient knocks on my door the next morning. It was Dallas. With only two weeks left until the end of summer and the start of school, we went shopping for school supplies and any other necessities left behind in Chesterfield. That was day one.

The next day we finished getting our rooms set up and dropped by Dad's work. He showed us around his small facility and at the end of the day we all went out to eat at Denny's Diner. I ordered a vanilla milkshake with my fries and burger. Sam ordered a double decker and smudged ketchup all over his face, which made for a great laugh between the rest of us.

The following week was spent filling out a number of job applications; submitting them with my fingers crossed at my side. Dad had said I'd have no problem getting some sort of weekend job in town, but that hardly helped the anxiety I was experiencing. He'd explained they'd be crazy not to offer me the jobs.

In the end, I had handed out my resume to five different places. 

A few filler days in between made tomorrow the first day of my Senior year.

"I'm not sure what to feel," I echoed again for the tenth time.

"That's understandable. I would be the same."

"I can't imagine you'd feel anything similar to how I'm feeling. You're... well you"

'You say that, but you're forgetting that when you were a little baby— hardly able to say the words "mama" or even "dada", I went back to school to get my teaching degree and had to go through the same exact thing you are now. I know what you feel right now,' 

"That's different," The floorboards creaked as I climbed the staircase. With every step taken, it felt like the boards underneath me were about to crack and disable me. 

"How is that any different? Is it so hard to believe that your mother can understand how you're feeling when you're sad or upset? So you can wallow in self-sadness and pretend that this is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone in the whole world?"

I held back the strong urge to roll my eyes.

"Now you're just being dramatic, Mom..."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"Maybe try to—I don't know—reason to me like a regular person would?"

I stepped through into my bedroom and immediately put her on speaker. 

'I DO—and all I get is "Ooh mom you don't understand," or "I'm still so frustrated or sad" and sometimes even the occasional, "How is your life relevant to this?" Honey, I love you no matter what, but this is only a phase and by this time tomorrow you'll feel brand new! Stop complaining about it,'

The faint noise of a ring came through the phone line as she said her goodbye. 

Her dismissal left me with questions left and right, making my brain overflow with thoughts and ideas I'd not considered before. It didn't make much sense to me how I came to my consensus, but in the end I sat on the edge of my bed with a new determination. 

I want to live like I've never lived before. 

I didn't know what that meant at the time. In fact, it was the type of goal you'd know you accomplished only after you'd done it. I was going into it completely blind, and yet I was as determined to feel whatever it was that I was missing.

I wasn't sure what I was looking for or why I was looking for it, but it was clear in that moment that I wanted something more. 

"Tomorrow is the first day of my senior year in high school." I took another deep breathe and dared to whisper the words to myself again.

By the end of the night I had figured everything out about this new life. 

I was going to school tomorrow at seven-thirty. After school, I will pick up Sam and Dallas and bring them home, then we'll wait for Dad before heading out to eat since none of us knew how to cook. Then we'd come home and I'd tackle all my homework. Before bed I'll go for a run and shower, and by the end of the night I'd be exhausted enough to fall asleep before ten o'clock.

Schedules were my thing, and they worked.

There was only one question I knew I'd never be able to answer.

What on Earth is more supposed to be?