the bonus book | ✓

walls

Once upon a time, I abandoned myself. I remember that.

So I have to be careful, gentle and forgiving.

I have to wait and take deep breaths while it passes.

“Hey,” I turn around knowing who’s voice it is. I try a smile on my face.

I wish it was genuine.

“Where are you? ” He asks, cocking his head to a side. His dark eyes try to see through me.

He is beautiful, like always.

“Here,” I say weakly to Oliver. Offering the sandwich, I say, “Want a bite?”

He strides forward and sits down beside me with his hands in his pocket. His baby blue shirt hugs his body, making him appear softer and kinder. His messy hair and dark eyes doesn’t betray though.

“It’s been forever since I saw you like this, ” I realize he is speaking.

“Like what? ” I ask, smiling, but dreading his answer.

Oliver shakes his head, without replying.

I look away and eat my sandwich in silence.

“You know, Jason is planning to go camping, ” Oliver says, “Did he tell you? ”

“Now?” I ask him, “The final is so close.”

Oliver rolls his eyes, “You think he cares about that?”

I chuckle, “No need. I am here to do that for him.”

Oliver slides his fingers into mine and gives my hand a little squeeze.

I swallow nervously but don’t say anything.

“The lunchtime is over, isn’t it?” I ask looking around.

People are getting back to the building from the field. So I stand up as well.

Oliver gazes at me from where he is sitting.

“Can you promise me something?” He says suddenly.

I avoid his gaze, “What?”

He stands up and lifts my chin so I am looking at him. I have no choice so I do.

I look at his eyes. He nods.

We leave for class.

*****

I can hear the tick of the clock. Time is passing as it always does.

I am here wondering how I get so much energy to go on sometimes.

I become someone else.

I admire that Gwen, the funny, wild and impulsive one. She takes actions. She does things. She makes things better. She is interesting.

I am just floating without any aim. I am boring, just as Faye had said. I am uninteresting, like Dean might have thought.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Worst of all, I am not even sad.

Maybe I fall asleep. Maybe I don’t. I can’t really tell. I exist through sleeping, dreaming and waking up, time and again. Then I see the soft light of dawn filtering through the window.

It will be morning soon. Another day is ahead of me and I have to pretend I’m fine.

I don’t have any energy to do so.

I have gone through this so many times, I know what follows. I will feel extremely sad some days later. If not sad, then emotional for no apparent reason.