𝔻𝕚𝕣𝕥 𝔹𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕙 𝕄𝕪 𝔽𝕖𝕖𝕥 (ᴛᴏᴋʏᴏ ʀᴇᴠᴇɴɢᴇʀꜱ x ᴍᴀʟᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ) [HIATUS]

Chapter 24

   I wanted so badly for someone to hold me in my weak moments like these. When I was utterly powerless to my emotions and myself. Not that I could ever ask for anything like that, nobody would do that for me. How embarrassing to ask too, why couldn't I just be as strong as Mikey or Draken?

   I let myself sit with that thought for a moment. I just spent the entire day into the night with them as they let themselves show their true emotions. They cried real tears, showed their vulnerability. Something I refused to do; I can't go back to the kid who'd cry in front of others or show my weakness. But those two weren't weak, they were stronger than anyone else I knew. I can't disappoint them by ruining my growth, if I were to do any of that I'd just lose my progress I worked so hard for. They have the right to show their emotions. They just lost a close friend, someone dear to them.

   I did too I guess but it isn't the same. Baji and I weren't as close as they were to him, especially Mikey. They were childhood friends. So I didn't have a right to be upset. Besides, Baji didn't care too much for me. But of course I cared for him which made everything much worse.

   We all lost someone important, right in front of our eyes. He's dead, he's dead and he's never coming back. Anything I ever wanted to say to him is meaningless now because he can't hear it. More fat tears gushed out of my wet eyes. It's a different kind of pain than when Shin died. Both were unexpected but maybe it's because I saw this one happen? Maybe it's because I didn't do anything?

   That's right, why didn't I do anything? Why did I just stand there and stare when Baji brought out the knife? Why didn't I rush over to him when he stabbed himself? What was wrong with me, it was my job to protect everyone, and I failed at protecting just one person. I was never even successful in protecting Mikey.

   I shuttered, the memory of him beating Kazutora almost to the brink of death was mortifying. It was the first time he completely ignored me. It was scary to see that side of him, one who would not listen to reason, one who was running off instinct, raw emotion.

   But he felt that way because Baji had died. He cared enough for Baji to kill someone.

   I let myself ponder on that thought as my tears began to calm down.

   Would he do that for others? For Draken? For Takemichi? For...me?

   My body felt cold at the thought. Of course he'd do anything for those two. But I could guarantee he wouldn't lift a finger for me. He'd brush off something bad happening to me because I wasn't important to him. I was a responsibility to him because he made a stupid decision in deciding to pay me back.

   I clutched onto the loose covers of my bed tightly. That's right, Mikey was paying me back. I had to remember that. It was probably why it was so much harder to except that he was kind to me, and that I cared about him so much. I made the mistake of caring for him, for devoting myself to him. It was my fault for getting attached when I was replicable.

   "Mikey..." I groaned softly, agony in my voice as more tears began to show themselves.

   He wouldn't care if I was the one dead would he? Nobody would, in fact, it shouldn't have been Baji to die. Baji never deserved to die, he was important to everyone, he had so much potential and so much to live for.

   "God damnit!" I shouted into my pillow.

   I sat up, trying to wipe the nonstop tears. I did it again, I let myself think about myself when Baji is who I'm upset about. But of course I made it about me.