experiment (a story in four parts).

part ii.

I didn't dare talk to Linden for the next few days, even while Linden made her best efforts to make things right again. She called me a lot. A couple times, I blocked her number completely, but it felt gross to know we were cut off on a more technical level than emotional, so I just unblocked her every time.

I'd been crying a lot since the "incident." There wasn't much to do to keep my mind off shit considering it was summer and I didn't have friends, but I can say I spent an overabundance of time drawing on my skin with a Sharpie, watching YouTube videos, and talking to myself.

It was Saturday, nine 'o' clock, exactly a week and a half since the incident in my bed, and my parents were not home. Just as I was unwrapping a package of Starburst that I found in the cabinet, my phone rang. I sighed. I missed Linden. She had always been my best and only friend, whether she was partying most of the times I needed her or not.

I sighed, picked up my phone, and slid right, holding it to my ear and staying quiet.

"Marina, oh my God I didn't think you'd answer, oh my God, oh my God," Linden breathed. She was drunk. I missed her voice, nevertheless.

"What do you want, Linden?" I asked quietly, setting my Starburst down, suddenly not having the appetite for them.

"Look just listen to me, ok?" she asked. Her voice was loud, slurred, and there was tons of white noise - sounding like people talking - in the background. She was probably at a party. "I'm so sorry for letting you down that night, Mari. I've missed you so much and I didn't know I was going to ruin our friendship with that. You mean so much to me..." she paused. "like we've been friends for the longest time and you're honestly such a special and beautiful girl. I really just don't want you chasing after me. I think we both know deep down that we want other people, and what we did was just for practice..."

I settled my finger in my mouth and sarted to chew at it, trying to keep away the tears. Why, when she answered the phone apologizing, did I think she was going to say something else. Something that I wanted to hear, for once. But, as usual, I just wanted to put my hands over my ears.

"I really am sorry," Linden continued, "I didn't realize you were taking things so seriously. I wouldn't have played with you if I'd known that, Mari. I would never want to hurt your feelings, and it will never happen again."

There was a sudden rush of hurt that went through my body. I wasn't sure what it was from. Of course I did not want to be played with, so why did I want what we had back from before? I knew Linden didn't give a shit about me in the way I wanted her to, but I would forever miss those moments of kissing in her car, or holding her hand while trying not to fall at the roller skating rink, or going out to eat, and she would kick off her shoe and rub her toes up and down my calve from under the table. I would miss being Linden's experiment.

"I'm going to hang up now, Marina," she said, I guess in response to my silence. "By-"

"No wait," I said suddenly. I was embarrassed. It was embarrassing that Linden knew I liked her now. "I get it, Linden. We belong with other people." I had to hold back a grimace as I spoke those words. "But... we don't have boyfriends yet, do we?"

"What are you saying?" she asked quietly, huskily.

"I'm saying let's continue." Nothing in my mind, body, or soul could tell myself why I did that. I didn't want to be used by Linden, but I did. It was complicated.

It was nothing but silence from Linden on the other side of the line before her raspy voice took over again, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I said quietly, heart starting to pick up.