More Than a Contract (mxm)

Part 19: "Simon said..."

While Daddy recovers, Julian was really helpful in escorting me to the police station to give my statement, like I was a kid, but hey, I'm still partly in shock so I can't complain. I just want to put this madness behind me. Now that I'm doing that or well, trying to, I need to ask Jaxson something that's been nagging me.

I wait a few days to make sure that Jaxson is healing, before I ask any questions or raise any topics that might make him angry. He saved my life after all, which means I owe him quite a lot.

Oh and I love him.

Which, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I can ever say. The shock of what happened has passed and I have realized that just because Jaxson and I are getting closer doesn't mean we're going to be together forever.

That only happens in books.

"So uhh," I start. "Simon said something..."

"What?" he asks. "Oh, which reminds me, I talked to him on the phone."

"You talked with Simon?"

"Yes, I know he didn't bring the gun, he said he knew nothing about it, and he did get Delaney off you, so..." He shrugs. "I'm dropping the charges against him."

"And the fact he wanted me to sign some sketchy document?"

"All a misunderstanding, he just thought it's what I wanted because he thought you were like my other boys."

"Is it true that you fucked him at the beginning and end of every work day?" I ask finally, because this conversation is making me sick, so I might as well finish by nauseating myself completely.

Jaxson freezes, looks at me. "What?"

"He said that, is it true?"

"Fucking little shit..." he curses. Sighs. "Look, Remy, it was before you."

I nod. "So this whole time, all of these weeks in which we were together, you were working close with a man who you fucked a million times?"

Jaxson frowns. "Remy, I haven't touched him since – "

"Why did you stop fucking him?"

Jaxson blinks. "Because I signed a contract. I told you, I would never violate it."

Bile rises up my throat and I can't even get angry anymore because looking at Jaxson, I realize he has no idea where I'm going with this. I think he doesn't know what's happening right now, but I do.

I sit down on a chair some distance away from him.

"Remy – " He starts coming to me.

I interrupt him by saying, "Please don't touch me, Jaxson."

He freezes where he is. "What are you doing?"

"Jaxson," I say calmly. "How would you feel if I worked closely with someone I had sex with countless times without telling you?"

"I..." Closes his eyes, opens them. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"Why would that hurt me, Jaxson?"

He purses his lips.

"You can't even say it, can you?" I say calmly. I've never been so calm, it's like I'm the eye of the storm and everything is falling apart around me, but I stay strong because I can see what's wrong now. Finally. "So you couldn't just fire him, could you?"

"Well – "

I interrupt him, "So that's why you stopped fucking him? Not because of me, but because of a contract. You would have continued if it wasn't for the contract?"

"No, you're putting words in my mouth."

"I am just repeating what you said to me," I explain. "Jaxson, do you have any idea how you make me feel? How I have felt this whole time, and frankly, today it's clearer than ever?"

Jaxson doesn't say anything.

"I feel like my boyfriend, my partner, the one who's supposed to treat me like an equal, doesn't respect me. I feel like all you do is what's convenient for you, and I'm just an afterthought, if even that."

"I've changed so much for you," he says angrily.

"That's the thing, though. Should we really change for each other, Jaxson?" I ask him honestly. "Because you and I, we're as different as night and day. For me, there's romance, for you there's contracts. There's no overlap."

"Romance," he scoffs.

"I know you think it's stupid, but I believe in it. I believe in love, Jaxson, and I believe it's possible to find it one day, but I can't be with someone who can never give that to me."

"Remy, what are you doing?"

"I don't want to change you," I say finally. "And I don't want you to change me." I'm close to tears already. "We've tried so hard to bridge the gap, but I think we should stop trying. Otherwise one or both of us is going to hurt the other very badly. I don't want that to happen."

Jaxson's jaw ticks. He can't meet my eyes.

"Jaxson, I think the best thing for both of us right now is to go our separate ways," I say quietly, my voice shaking. "I want you to have a long, happy life, doing what you love the most. That's what I want for you."

There, I said it. I said everything.

"I should have known you would run again," he says coldly. I can't even recognize the man I love anymore, but that's to be expected. He never existed. "It's your fucking solution to everything."

I take a deep breath and steel my heart, refusing to fall apart. "I'm not running. For the first time, I am facing the problem and giving it a name. For the first time I am walking away before I have to, before everything blows up in our faces, because it will, Jaxson. You must see it."

Jaxson just sits and shakes his head, his face a stone-cold mask. I brave the tiger and step close enough to kiss his cheek. He doesn't look at me even then. My final words to him are, "Take care of yourself, okay?"

I regret leaving things like this. I wish I could stay and care for him as he recovers. But I firmly believe there is nothing more we could do, or say. Jaxson can never love me, and I refuse to give my heart to someone like that. I'm only going to give it to the man who will give me his heart right back.

Even though I want to cry my eyes out, I also feel... relieved.

Finally, I am free.

I am free of having to meet someone's expectations of me, of fighting constantly, of having to compromise the most basic things.

I am free to be me.

Whopper of a chapter. This was hard to write.

Thoughts?