Doctor Mom | Creative Nonfiction

Doctor Mom

I was taking a shower at around 10 o'clock at night when I felt the lump. I felt it on the right side of my neck as I was washing that area. It was about the size of a bean, and I was able to move it around with my finger. At first I thought, What is this? A piece of fatty tissue? Why does it feel all squishy? Is it a blister? I didn't know what the thing was. All I knew was that I couldn't wait to get out of the shower and rush to fetch Doctor Mom. Okay . . . she isn't really a doctor. But I sure as heck treated her like one.

    As soon as I got out of the shower, I rushed to the back of the house where my mom's room was. She was in there attending to my little brother. When I walked in, she gave me this look that screamed, "Lordy, what do you want now?" My poor mom. I came up to her and asked, "Mom, could you please feel this thing on my neck?" I pointed to where it was on the right side of my neck, and my mom felt around that area. At first she said, "Feel what? I don't feel anything." Amazed, I replied, "You don't feel that, mom?" I pointed to the area again, this time moving the lump around. When my mom finally felt it, she said, "Oh, that feels like a swollen lymph node."

    "What is that?" I asked her. She replied, "Lymph nodes are all over your body. They swell up when you have an infection. You may be about to come down with something. I wouldn't worry about it, though. It's small and mobile. Let me know if it gets any bigger."

"Okay, thank you," I said as I walked to the door. "No problem," she replied. I left my mom's room and went to my own room to go to bed.

    I laid in my bed but couldn't go to sleep. Instead, I just stared at the ceiling of my pitch black room. The room was cold and quiet, but my thoughts were roaring. I couldn't stop thinking about the thing on my neck. I pictured it as a slimy, slithering specimen of a creature lurking from the inner walls of my neck, ready to cut through my skin at any moment and swallow me whole.

I abandoned the crazy thought and turned over to my right side. I shut my eyes and tried to go to sleep when I could suddenly feel the right side of my neck tightening up. That's when I remembered that the thing was there, still lurking, preying, pressing hard into my neck so as to keep me aware of its presence and ensure me that it wasn't going away any time soon.

    I jumped from under the sheets and grabbed my phone to search Doctor Google. Okay . . . he isn't really a doctor. But I sure as heck treated him like one. I typed in the search bar "swollen lymph node." The first thing that popped up at the top of the screen was something along the lines of, Lymph nodes typically swell up to fight against infection. In rare cases, they indicate cancer. My heart dropped when I saw the dreaded c-word.

    After my hours-long appointment with Doctor Google, I came to the conclusion that, indeed, I had cancer. Lymphoma cancer to be exact. Doctor Google laid out for me all the common signs and symptoms: swollen lymph nodes, fever, loss of appetite, night sweats, etc. I had many of the symptoms: a swollen lymph node, a swollen lymph node, a swollen lymph node, etc.

    Doctor Google also told me the criteria that a swollen lymph node has to meet in order for it to not be cancerous: it must be small (no more than 3 cm in length), mobile, painful to the touch, and – what stuck out to me the most – it must not grow or stay the same size after two or three weeks. My mom's words from earlier ringed in my ears, "Let me know if it gets any bigger." Let me know if it gets any bigger, I thought to myself. A sign that there was a possibility it would get bigger. A sign that my mom believed it too. A sign that kept me up on a school night until about five o'clock in the morning.

    I spent the next week or so constantly checking the thing on my neck, making sure it wasn't getting any bigger and that it was getting smaller in size. At times it seemed like it was getting smaller, but there were other moments when it felt like it was the same size that it was when I first felt it. There were also moments when it felt like it was gradually getting bigger. I couldn't trust myself, so I had my mom check it to reassure me that it was getting smaller. She said she thought it was, but I must've not believed her either, as I kept having her check it over and over again for the same reassurance.