Y͜͡o͜͡u͜͡'͜͡r͜͡e͜͡ a͜͡n͜͡ a͜͡n͜͡g͜͡e͜͡l͜͡♡︎

𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜

TW: mentions of depression and Suicide.

"You know, my mother wants told me that stars have purpose being up there."

"You mean, how stars are made up of gas and dust that collapsed from the gravity?"

"No stop being so sciency Tommy!"

"I'm just telling the truth-"

"I meant how stars represent people who have passed away, it's what she believed in."

"Oh, so like heaven and hell?"

"Yeah, kind of. Except she didn't believe in those, she believed that once you were dead, you could watch over your loved ones and see how they are doing without you."

"Well if that's indeed the case then Newtie, I shall look up to the stars and say hello to you every morning if you die before me. Or night since stars come out at night."

"Your such an idiot."

"You love me."

"Yeah I do"

———

You 𝑑𝑖𝑑.

Yeah you really 𝙙𝙞𝙙.

But now I do really wish I had never said that thing about saying hello to you every night. I really fucking wish. Because I believe that at that moment I said it, I just created a self full filling prophecy. How stupid am I? Yeah I am an Idiot.

I miss you, I really do.

I miss our long talks before and after school, I remember how you once told me everything about gardening because you loved it so much, and how your favorite flowers were hydrangeas, such a beautiful plant. And you forced Minho to help you with your homework because I couldn't as I was sick with a fever.

I miss your height, a weird thing to say really. I miss how I could easily fit into your frame with my slightly smaller one, I felt we were two matching puzzle pieces. Of course because of my height you found a way to tease me. I also remember that was the reason we first met. You and I were both friends with Frypan and one day you came towards me and asked me how I knew frypan, and that you also asked me to give him your hellos, then I strictly remembered how you muttered under your breath that stupid joke.

'I hope the weather is well down there.'

I remember how I would rant on and on to you how science works, how chemistry just had to make sense, or how electricity in physics works, because you were too dumb to know, and you say I'm the idiot?

𝐼 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑐 𝑤𝑒 𝑏𝑜𝑡ℎ 𝑎𝑟𝑒

I miss, I miss the way your hair would flow infront of your face every time  you worked on something, I would have to move strands away from your sweating face, I remember you pissing Gally off and in return he dyed your hair black, you had actually tears. At least you became a star with your rightful hair colour.

I miss how your eyes looked, I remember you kept glancing at me from time to time before one day you silently stared at me, and literally said out loud 'shuck it' and kiss me right there. I miss their honey like colour, I miss the times they would sparkle a gold colour every time you succeeded in something or even saw a person you liked.

You liked everyone, you gave everyone a chance. You've given me plenty, I wonder why.

I remember you came to me in the pouring cold shower of October, I thought you were nuts. You told me everything about yourself that you hid away from me, your depression, your failed suicide attempt, your leg...

And now you didn't fail, you finally fucking did it. You didn't come talk to me.

Well tonight I have a few thoughts to say to you Newton Isaacs, to your star.

You are selfish, you left me behind. You didn't even leave me anything behind except for a pathetic letter. You go off your pills once, ONCE.
You thought you were doing everyone a favour I know you thought that. You thought that everything was your fault.

But do you really want to know what was your fault? Breaking my heart and shredding it to pieces.

I found the ring. I found the fucking ring about a week later after they announced your death.

And I would have said yes, you know I would have.

But I guess that's too late, too bad.

I miss you. I miss everything. And about that letter.

I read it every single night, out loud even. It goes like this every night.

'Dear Tommy,

This isn't your fault, it will never be. I just couldn't stand around and listen to you talk to me and pretend to love me for my own good. I don't want you to deal with me. I love so so much you don't even know.

I feel bad, I feel bad about how you have to deal with me every single hour of the day.

Tell Minho he was good man, tell Frypan his food was divine, even tell your little brother Chuck to have fun. Even tell Gally I miss bickering with him

Just know that I'll look down on you in the stars with everyone else you've lost, I could give you a sign even. That would be cool, no?

I'll see you from up there.

Yours truly,

Newtie, someone who you relied on'

Yeah great letter. You definitely showed how much love you put in, clearly. If you did love me you wouldn't have left.

I'm sorry I couldn't help you, I'm sorry. I just feel so goddamn lonely. I haven't talked to anyone in weeks. Not even Teresa.

In fact I had an argument with her, she told me to give up on you, I couldn't do that.

The truth is, I'm sick. That fever I mentioned, well around a year later I found it wasn't just a fever. I found out after you died. And now I'm dying too.

And when I get up there and see you, I'm so going to give you a hard time.

Did you know that stars die? Do you think you'll die twice before I even get up there to see you?

I remember that stars have meanings.
You taught me that.