the broken

Chapter 14

My skin is even paler than usual, so pale that when I squint my eyes I can see the blood pumping under my skin, see each one of my hollow bones. Translucent. My hair is a rumpled mess, and I know that underneath, my skin is a painting of black and blue and red, a sadistic finger painting.

I'm disgusting.

I force myself to tear my eyes away from the mirror, and instead focus on clumsily splashing water onto my puffy face. My skin is too hot and the cold water turns to steam when it touches me. I pat my face with a towel tiredly, so tiredly, and open the bathroom door, too pre-occupied with warding off unconsciousness to be cautious. I step out and lean back onto the wall for a brief moment, trying to stop the spinning behind my eyes, but a few steps away from the doorway I feel a pair of eyes burning holes into my skin. I look up to find Phil, frozen, his pretty blue eyes wide with surprise, one hand half reaching out, frozen in place, as if the sight of me had caused him to forget what he was doing. A fresh wave of misery and panic is clawing its way up my throat and I turn to run but my feet won't move can't move fast enough and all I can feel is soft fingers wrapping themselves around my wrist, captured.

"Please don't hurt me."

I am 10 years old again. Still afraid.

I can feel the fingers sliding slowly off my wrist.

"Oh Dan, no, no, I would never.

When I open my eyes, I see his face. Surprised and worried and sad.

It's been too long since I've seen it but not long enough and I am starving and I take it all in every line every edge every bit I am terrified and I missed him and I'm falling down down and I can still run it's not too late but I don't know if I want to.

His arms fall over me like a blanket, pull me close, hold me tight to his chest. I am stiff and frozen in his arms because this is the best and the worst place in the world.

"Please, just tell me what's wrong. I'm so worried about you."

His voice is a whisper like he's afraid to break me and the smell of cinnamon makes me shiver.

"Nothing."

"Dan."

He isn't going to buy any of my shit.

"I..I just was going to tell you something and I thought you might care but then I decided not to and I just kinda thought you wouldn't care, and ... yeah."

He is so close and his hands hold me steady, grip my shoulders, cool whisps of breath whisper across my face, sad blue and dark black it's everywhere in my throat in my lungs. It takes every last drop of energy to keep my heart from showing on my face.

"I will always care, okay?"

I nod.

He doesn't.

He gives a deep sigh, thinking hard. I can see gears turning in his head.

He comes to a decision.

"I'll drop it, but only if you promise not to shut me out again."

I let his words roll around my head until I can taste them on my tongue. Everything could go back to normal. That would be okay. I nod, slow, and then fast.

I am too tired to resist anymore.

I let myself melt into his arms, let my head fall onto his chest, close my eyes and just breathe.

"Now, I'm going to go make you food and you can go wash up, okay?"

I nod, dizzy, obediently stumble to the bathroom, and he disappears into the kitchen to make me food that I know I won't eat.