Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

Chapter 9

A couple visitors walked in from the tunnel behind me carrying various contraptions. One looked like a power generator box. I knew this because it had a picture of a lightning bolt on it. The other thing looked like one of those metal caps they put on people's heads in the electric chair. One of the visitors made sure that it was tightly secured on my head. These aliens killed me once before. I totally trusted them.

"Is that thing safe?" Faizan asked.

"Of course it is," April answered. "Why wouldn't you trust the motives of a race that was captured and not allowed to return to their home planet because of the human race's petty hatred and paranoia?"

"I guess when you put it like that."

One of the visitors started the generator. The metal cap on my skull began to vibrate, giving me brain tickle. This was preferable to brain freeze which was the only negative side effect to the frozen drinks.

The machine hummed and my laid back vibes permeated the entire planet. The apocalypse never would have started if people weren't so unwilling to listen and accept each other. It wasn't just that everyone felt they had to be right. It was that anyone who disagreed with them had to suffer. There was no point unless someone was crucified.

Righteousness bred hate. The angels and demons glommed onto that and they joined in. It made them stronger. But my brain waves gave everyone an alternative. Maybe humanity would stop and listen to each other. Maybe they wouldn't. They could at least coexist. That had to be enough.

For a second, the worldwide shrieks stopped. The jackhammer accusations ceased. The entire planet heard my immortal catchphrase. "Just chill, dudes."

We all sat in silence. Did it work? Could it really be that simple?

"Screw that!" someone somewhere on Earth shouted.

"You moron! If you'd just relax and stop hating everyone, everything would be just fine!" someone else shouted before clobbering the first person with a Give Peace A Chance sign.

So much for that plan.

"Vdls. Vsola!" one of the visitors said as it adjusted the dials on the device. Maybe upping the dose would help.

"What did I miss?" Hellfire Jones asked. Like a bull in a china shop that had electrical stuff, HJ's feet got entangled in the wires. In typical graceful fashion, he slammed to the ground, pulling the machine with him. As the electric box slammed to the ground, it made a sound like kerrakle-krackle before exploding into a miniature fireworks display. Even though all hope was now lost, it did look pretty cool.

"That's a stupid ass place to put whatever the hell that was," Hellfire Jones muttered.

"Vessoe! Vseod! Vsoesl!" the visitor swore. April knew what it was saying because she knew all the Vegoran swear words.

"Don't tell me the president screwed things up again," Faizan sighed.

"He did. My brain waves of bliss were our last hope," I sighed.

"No, there is another," April said. We all looked at her to see if she was just quoting movies or if she had an idea. April always had an idea. It just wasn't always a good idea.

Even the visitors looked up to hear what she had to say. She was one of the few people on earth that believed in them. It was only common courtesy that they believe in her.

"There's an extremely non-canonical Bible prophecy that says the Prophetess and the Three Stooges will join with the extraterrestrials to save the world," she said. "We've got the extraterrestrials. I'm obviously the wise Prophetess. Faizan, Mitch and Hellfire Jones are the stooges."