Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

Chapter 7

MITCH MURPHY:

Whoa! I was standing right next to Hellfire Jones while he pissed his pants. How many people can say that?

As awesome as this experience was, the good trip ended when the demon and angel started doing magic tricks involving the top of their heads flying off. This would have been awesome except they threatened to kill the "three other fools." Having gone through a lifetime as being singled out as the fool, it was a relief I wasn't being called out this time. On the down side, the targeted fools included my only two friends and the great Hellfire Jones. You don't threaten Hellfire Jones.

"You don't threaten Hellfire Jones," Jones said.

Whoa! That was just what I was thinking and he said it. I have a total mind meld with the Hellslayer from Hoboken.

"We just did," Gabby laughed.It was the kind of laughter that vibrated through the room like a fizzy cotton ball if that kind of thing actually existed. If I survive, I think I'm going to invent it.

"Burn!" Lilly shouted for no real reason.

"You fired me, Mr. President," Gabby continued. "Nothing stopping me from giving you a well-deserved wing slap now." Her wings would totally hurt if they slapped you. I think Hellfire Jones was being turned on by the idea, though.

"Well, if you had told me you were an angel, I never would have hired you to begin with," Jones said. "Then I never would have fired you. Since not being fired is what you want, I'm not giving you the chance to not be fired." He stood his ground. "So, you're rehired!"

Hellfire Jones had a ton of great one-liners in his movies.That wasn't one of them.

"Please can we just kill them now,Gabby?" Lilly asked. "I swear I'm going to rip the president's mouth off and stick it on your refrigerator, so you'll have to listen to him for all eternity."

"Oh, screw this!" April said as she pushed her way past me. She's usually so quiet unless someone says the Mothman isn't real, but life and death situations make anyone unpredictable. She stomped over to Hellfire Jones and pulled the Glock of Gabriel out of his trenchcoat. Hellfire Jones got that weapon in Hellfire Jones VI when the Archangel Gabriel went on vacation to the Bahamas and willed it to him. No one has ever wielded it aside from Gabriel, Hellfire Jones and now April. She clutched the trigger with two fingers to show she meant business and moved the barrel back and forth between both targets.

"You know that's a replica of a weapon that never existed, right?" Lilly laughed.

"Maybe. Maybe not," April said. Her hands were steady, so I was confident that her aim would be true. "Tell me, do you feel lucky?"

No, April! The line from the movie was "How lucky do you feel?" You totally ruined any hope we might have had!

"I feel lucky that we're facing such incompetent adversaries," Gabby said.

"Even Dirk and Blanche could have handled this," Lilly laughed.

"Oh, God. Let's call them." Gabby was floating in the air because the vibrations from her laughing was shaking her wings. Lilly was rolling on the ground where Hell could hear what was going on.

"As expected, they're wasting time laughing and mocking us!" April shouted. "Everyone run. Now!"

Even Faizan was following April's orders, though running was a pretty obvious choice. Lilly seemed especially pissed that we were all trying to escape. When villains start talking, we're all supposed to just stand there and listen to them. That's what I learned from movies and comic books. I kind of felt bad.

"If we survive, I'm going to need my weapon back!" Hellfire Jones shouted to April over the shrieks of the living fireballs that were being hurled in our direction.