Mentally Insane Creative Writing

space.

There is a lot in life to regret. Small choices and large ones. The ones that pass by as easily as the wind and those that end up shaping you. I don't think about mine often.

I don't think about myself often.

If I do, I usually end up spiraling into a depression because the concept of life scares me. Existence is terrifying. The fact that we, our planet as a whole, are but a speck in a vast and somehow infinite space is horrifying. How does that even work? How can something be infinite? What lies outside of the infinite?

I ramble when I write just like when I talk. It's a good think I can type pretty much as fast as I think. I have a lot of thoughts and too few emotions. Or too many emotions. Still haven't quite figured that out. I feel a lot, I guess, but I don't recognize or can't name most of them.

I don't think I regret a lot in my life. There are small things like thinking I could steal $80+ worth of stuff from Walmart and getting caught but even that is a fleeting thought because they just made me pay and gave me a warning. I got cocky and I've learned since then.

I regret small things that speak a lot to my character as well. It's a small thing to get fast with my hands (I'm referring to riding horses right now), but it speaks to my character that I not only do it so quickly but so easily. I don't think twice about it and only regret it after the fact. I'm too emotional when I ride but I also think that riding is one of the few places where I feel so little. Where everything is blocked out and I refuse to feel.

I almost regret the way I broke up with an old friend of mine but looking back on it, though it was shitty how it happened, it was bound to happen within the few months that followed. It was a tough time in general but that was a few months before the start of the pandemic. This friend, I should mention, was a very casual but rampant racist. The moment COVID-19 really hit and then the BLM movement got a strong wind, I know we would have been on complete opposite sides of that debate. I could see it now, her acting as a discount Kyle Rittenhouse and complaining about the difference between 'good black people and god-awful niggers' while I try for two seconds to keep a decent friendship before giving up and bashing her in every way possible. I'm now grateful that it ended up the way it did because she really was trash. It caused a divide in our friend group for a little bit but it wasn't that bad.

I think the important thing about regret is to let the actions breathe before overthinking.

That's coming from someone who overthinks everything but it still stands. I used to regret a lot, or at least think poorly on myself for things, but I now recognize what it truly regretful and what is simply a result of the emotions at the time. I don't regret standing up to someone who made my life at school hell for almost 2 years. Why should I? Just because she now posts sappy things about how shit her mental health is and was doesn't excuse how poorly she treated pretty much everyone around her.

No, I don't regret a lot. Thinking about it in too much depth is a dangerous thing for me because I'll always circle back to thinking about myself. Then thinking about life. And the vastness of space. And how infinity shouldn't be possible.

I need limits. I like to know the boundaries in things. Space being apparently infinite is the worst thing for me. Boundaries are there to make me feel safe and be broken on my own terms. I don't want to be boxed in. I want to be able to push. Because what happens to things that don't bend? They break.