dearest kevin,
hey.
i've read your letter.
you may recognize the ink
is smudged on some words.
that's because I'm crying.
you made me cry.
i hate you.
and to tell you the truth,
when i saw you grin-
all teeth seen
and deep dimples shown
with a slightly
crooked smile
after you threw
that lame old joke back then,
my mind whispered
how truly blessed i am
to have such an amazing
companion.
and every time
you stare back,
i silently melt
and you not knowing
anything
makes me laugh
awkwardly
and you finding that special
is weird.
and you're weird.
and i like it.
i hate you.
when you try to braid my hair,
and twist your fingers around
like a pro
but still it ended up
horribly,
i'm really happy because
secretly
i feel like
i'm actually letting you reach
and touch and play with
something important
that i totally cared for.
and i wish you could understand
this metaphor.
well,
i think you will.
i hate you.
and if someone would
ask me as well
of my fears,
then that would be
now.
and all the reality
i have to face
right now.
and all the things
i did a week ago-
of not going home with you
and letting you take a ride
alone
and it's been haunting me
for the reason that
i know
it was all my fault
that maybe if i apologized
just because i was blinded
by unspoken jealousy
then you would have never
walked out on me
and maybe
if i didn't anger you
then you would have seen
the lights clearly.
and you would have not
left.
i'm sorry.
i'm so sorry, kevin.
all
that you wrote
all
i remember well,
though everything
made me wonder
how you notice
every stuff i do
or every reaction
i put on my face.
and then i read your letter.
and it was all too late.
i am all too late.
i hate you.
black was never
our favorite color
so why did you leave me?
i hate you.
kevin,
i would have gladly been your muse
tonight
and be each other's first dance
because
i have always been loving you
way before i knew
you love me too.
your bestfriend,
jade
---
I placed my letter on top of his coffin.
I hope he could read it.
