Into the Shadows

Chapter 29: The Past

We gathered in an annex. With many halls and rooms devoted to housing priests from all over on their travels and pilgrimages to the Vatican, there was always room for anyone who needed space. Uncle Leo had arranged for four rooms in the temporary housing hall for us, well, he asked Giovanna to do it. 

Laura and I were sharing and the other three rooms were split between the boys and Father Ivan. 

"Lia-"

Laura was just trying to help. I was being a jerk. I did not want to talk, I did not want to listen, and I certainly did not want anyone to see me right now. 

I was a mess. My hair was wild under the floppy black hood of my sweatshirt, my nose and eyes were puffy and stained an ugly red, and the claw marks beneath my sleeves were embarrassing. I knew I was crazy, someone trying to talk me out of my funk, someone affirming to me that I was out of my mind, it was the last thing I needed. 

"Please leave me alone."

"Okay." Laura headed for the door, "Just know that we'll love you the same, no matter what."

"Please..."

The door creaked closed and I pulled the covers over my head. My hands fell over my ears. The search for something to destroy, to fix, to stop ended with them as my nails dug in and warmth ran down across my skin, soaking into the pretty white sheets. 

"Sorry," Laura opened the door and tiptoed across the room. I couldn't see her, but the light taps of her feet were enough to tell me how she was acting, "I forgot my phone. See you later, Lia."

Stupid. The word echoed around in my head, the same way it had when I was younger. When my naive childish younger self had played with the forbidden, when I dabbled in the things my father had once worked so hard to thwart, when I managed to get my father killed. 

Dad. More than anything I wished he was here. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was okay. I wanted him to get rid of the monsters again. I wanted him to insist on fighting my battles. I wanted him to tell me he loved me one more time even if I felt like I didn't deserve it.  

The door opened again. It wasn't soft and careful. It wasn't Laura trying not to disturb me. It wasn't someone with her 'give them space' attitude. 

"Lili-" A hand reached down and pulled the covers off my head. The blood and the scratches were exposed. I could feel the soft breath of his sigh brush against my face. The contrast with the cool air of the room was enough to send shivers down my back, "Amelia..."

"Go away, Tommy." I grabbed the duvet from his hand and pulled it back over myself.

"Stop." He grabbed my wrist and then the duvet, "Just stop it. Don't hide this kind of stuff from me. If your friends hadn't mentioned the burn you were never going to tell me were you?" 

"I just-"

"You don't have to answer, Li, I already know." He held his arms out and open, "Come here. I know you and I know what you want right now."

So I gave in. I sat up only to fall down into him. I let Tommy hold me, I let him assure me, and somehow his words were different. Coming from Laura they'd have felt condescending. Coming from Uncle Leo they'd have felt like a scolding. From anyone but Tommy they'd have felt like a reprimand. 

From Tommy they were sweet. They were caring. They were genuine. Nothing about Tommy has ever been obscured. He isn't two faced. He doesn't hide his intentions. Sure, he pulls little pranks and fibs to make the 'big reveal' more exciting, a particular incident in Philly comes to mind, but he's never acted maliciously towards me. He's always taken care of me. 

After so many years apart, it almost hurt to feel his arms around me again, to feel the emotions come back. I thought for sure I'd left behind my feelings for him, but being vulnerable with him, letting him be there for me, it brought all of it back again. It wasn't slow, it wasn't gradual like the tides. Instead it was like a storm appearing in the sky, like a tidal wave sweeping over my heart. 

"Tommy," It wasn't supposed to sound so broken. I hadn't wanted to wail and sob like a child, but here I was acting like one. 

"Shh, it's okay, Li, everything is going to be okay." His lips brushed over my temple as he pressed his nose against my hair.

I slowly brought my hands up to his shoulders, gripping them tight as I raised my head. My lips pressed against his, years of unacknowledged and probably unrequited love manifested in the one small action. It was barely half a second before I really processed what I was doing and backed off. 

He was surprised. He wasn't sure what to make of it. His eyes were wide, mouth hung agape. 

"Li, I-"

"I'm sorry!" I jumped up off my bed, booking it towards the bathroom. I needed to escape. 

"Li!" Tommy grabbed my wrist, the bad one. He was gentle as his made sure to move his hand higher on my arm before tightening his grasp. 

"I'm sorry..." Tears were gathering in my eyes again. I was so embarrassed. I can't face him. 

"Amelia!" Tommy's never called me that before. He always went right for the nicknames, even the first time we met. He'd used my name, but it was always joking, always an impersonation of my mom or- or just... something else, just not this serious and- I don't know what else. Hope? Sadness? For sure there was something, but I was too scared to know what that something was.

I was hesitant as I spun around slowly on my heel. I squeezed my eyes closed, waiting for him to ask what I was doing, for him to say he doesn't like me, that he doesn't want to see me anymore, that he's leaving. 

"Hey, look at me," his hand brushed across my scratched cheek, "Open your eyes."

I couldn't do it. There was no way. He would laugh at me, he would hate me, he'll never want to see me again. He knows, he has to know now. It was subtle before, he never knew, but now it's over. He knows. 

I shook my head no and squeezed them shut even tighter. 

"Fine." 

Tommy let go of my wrist and his forehead pressed against mine. 

"God, I hope this is real and I hope you like me, Li, because I-"

"We can't!" I told him. I opened my eyes and his face sank. He seemed so happy a second ago and now he looked distraught.

"Oh..." Tommy let go of my wrist and backed off, "Sorry, I- uh- I'll leave you alone." 

"No!" I wrapped my arounds around his torso and squeezed him tight in my arms, "We can't right now. That's-that's what I meant. Now is just a really bad time. I live in Los Angeles, you live in Paris. Your sister is like one of my best friends. We have all this going on with the demons, not to mention you definitely aren't supposed to be in here, Father Ivan will freak. I just, I mean there's way to much going on right now and- Oh my god, Tommy are you okay?!"

His eyes were watery as Tommy let loose a sigh of relief as he hugged me back. 

"I understand, Li. This can wait, I've been waiting for this day for almost ten years. I can handle another week, month, whatever it takes." 

"Thank you." 

"Anything for you." we rocked back and forth as Tommy's hand ran down my wild hair, somewhere along the way my hood had been knocked off, "Always for you." 

It was quiet after that. It was late. The truth would come out in the morning. As I laid in bed beside Tommy, I thought about it. They would finally know everything. For so many years, Uncle Leo was the only one who knew. He told me when it happened, under the seal of confession he would never tell anyone, he'd said no one ever had to know, but now we can't just leave them in the dark.