Old Memories

one

When it first started, a few months ago now, it was only a few streams a week instead of the ones every day. Then it was at least two. Then it was only one, about two hours long. Then they were monthly. Now I don't have any social media, and haven't for about six months now.

Now you may ask yourself; Toby, why? And the reason for it was, I didn't notice at first. If I did, I wouldn't be in this situation.

I wouldn't be sat in therapy with someone almost demanding me answers. I'm not telling the truth though, if they want something out of me, they can really try.

I know my sister still streams, and you used to be able to hear me in the background sometimes. She told me that everytime you can hear me, her chat went crazy. I didn't feel good about that, at all, and still don't.

I've been debating return for a while now, I really have. But the endless and agonising fear of having to tell them I didn't know why I left haunts my dreams.

I couldn't tell them my dysphoria had gotten so overwhelming it was difficult to leave my bed. I couldn't tell them I'm relapsing with my self-harm, resulting in me rarely able to reach a few days clean. I couldn't tell them anything.

But now, I've moved away from my family. Not quite far, but far enough that you had to drive. I don't drive though, but if I did it would be only forty-five minute drive to my parents. And over seven hour walk, which I'm definitely not doing.

I don't get noticed now, though I rarely go out anywhere. But I did within the first few weeks. It went, normal? I told Twitter that I'm super busy and will be with something for a while, but I'll be back. They just told me they can't wait for me to return. But I don't plan on that.

"So, Toby." A hand waves infront of my face, "You there?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry! What did you say?" I ask her.

"Would you ever go back to streaming? In several meetings you have stated that you miss it and you were at your happiest. Plus, every time you have spoken about it you seem rather happy." She tells me, putting her pen onto the table in middle of us.

"I-I don't know. I would love returning, so much. But its just not do able. Its possibly to late now, and they will all ask me!" I tell her, slightly moving my legs to feel more comfortable.

"Okay." She says with a large pause, "What about you get back into contact with your old friends and then we will start from there?"

"Hm, I'll think!" I give in, quickly checking the time on the clock above the door, "I'll tell you next meeting, okay?" I tell her.

"Okay, anyway Toby, I think that means todays meeting is over!" She tells me as we begin setting up a date for the next meeting.

We quickly agreed on the tenth next month, which happens to be in two weeks.

Getting out the building, I remove my phone from my pocket and plug in my headphones. I quickly unlock it and open Spotify and play the playlist that it first gives me, it's only the one I listen to almost all the time and I adore.

Walking down the street, it begins to rain quite heavily. Strangely feeling like the main character for a few moments, I allow my head to bop a little listening to it. I might as well make the time out of the while I have before all the memories quickly return and force me to stay in bed for a while.

About a block away from my therapist, and a few minutes from my house, I see a old-ish cafe I have always adored for a while now open. I quickly debate entering, and do so.

"Ah! Toby! Hello," the person behind the till tells me as I close the door behind me.

"Hey!" I reply.

"So, how's your day been?" She says to me, giving someone else their drink.

"Its been," I hesitate for a minute, debating with what to think, "a day for sure."

"Aw. Anyway, do you want your usual?"

Ah, my usual. A regular Latté. Nothing to much, nothing to less.

"Yes please! And to go as well." I tell her, collecting the money from my pocket. Its only a few pounds, nothing to much.

"Okayy," she states drawing out the 'y'.

I look over to the small basket of biscuits, feeling rather hungry. I lift one, a small packet of two oreos.

"And these as well please," I tell her, sliding the three coins across the counter. Resulting me in getting a penny back.

I move back, letting the person behind me to get severed. I stand beside and at the wall. I fiddle with my phone case while standing and waiting for my name to be called.

"Toby!" The voice of one of my friends from high-school calls for me, behind the counter.

"Thank you Soph!" I tell her, taking the drink from her. "Have a good day!"

I hear her reply as I exit through the door. Seeing the rain heavier then before, I let out a heavy sigh before entering the cafe again.