I've been the best I can be [JayVik, Arcane]

I've been the best I can be

Every word that came from the telegram after that was unreal. The cause of death, where they found him, why they were even visiting. He went peacefully, but every inch of Jayce's skin wished he had just been there. It couldn't even be possible. It was happening too fast. Viktor had been fine the night before, if slightly more tired than usual, and Jayce's mind began to swirl in the confusion. Strong rays of light continued to beam down as he stood, contemplating, his body beginning to shake as it did when he was faced with an impossible decision. If only he'd checked in again, if only he'd offered to walk Viktor home, if only he'd been there. As his eyes danced about the room, he noticed everyone was watching him carefully, as if they could hear his every thought. They had expected him to respond by now, every figure there waiting on his choice of words, but there were none. No one man could be expected to ease the souls of his peers in a situation like that. There was no mind quite like Viktor's, and it was as if Jayce's every word had left with his other half, the fleeting bond between them ripping the individuality out of Piltover's perfect golden boy. Viktor was a troubled soul and he didn't deserve to have died alone. Granting himself what little composure he could, Jayce crumbled under the pressure, offering nothing but a soft nod and his condolences to the rest of the council as he prepared to get the hell away from them. A grim smile reached up his cheeks as he excused himself from the meeting as quietly as he could with shaking hands, brushing off Mel's attempts to call him back as he trekked away in silence.

Jayce dragged his feet like a toddler as he headed back to the once shared lab, wandering the Piltover streets mindlessly, the news plaguing his every breath, every thought and every movement in his joints. He felt as if he shared the weight of Viktor's illness, now passing on to him since the original bearer was gone. He felt as weak as he had ever been, every second he had spent in the forge dissipating as his body grew lethargic and sick. The sun was nowhere to be seen once he had reached the academy, the time it took to get there escaping him as he pushed shakily on the doors to enter. In complete silence, Jayce traced the stairs up to the lab, his anxiety becoming almost unbearable as he unlocked the door with the keys Viktor had given him the night the two began working there together. He kicked it shut behind him as gently as he could while his eyes began scanning the room like he had never been there before. Viktor's seat was pushed away from the desk, the top covered in his papers now frozen in time, a painful reminder of the work the two had once tackled together. The air in the room was thick, each countertop left as if the work upon them would ever be finished. Jayce knew he would never touch them, the beginning of a desperate grasp to preserve whatever remained of Viktor clouding his thoughts. He needed it to feel like he was still there. He needed Viktor. And at that moment, Jayce had never screamed louder.

The breakdown couldn't have been prevented, and Jayce had prolonged it for long enough. Every ounce of despair he had felt while still with the council surfaced uncontrollably, and he had no choice but to allow himself to succumb to it. His head hunched into his arms, shaking fingers grasping desperately at black locks as the tears came thick and fast, burning skin along their trails to the ground. Jayce couldn't control the depth of his desperate breaths, and he had never felt so ugly. He was more vulnerable than anyone but Viktor had ever seen him as he choked on his own distress, gasping for air repeatedly in a futile attempt to counter the weight of his glassy eyes. The sound of pure hopelessness echoed around the room, piercing back into Jayce's own ears like he was sharing the grief. But alas, the one he would share it with was the one he mourned.

Kneeling on the ground, hunched in on himself, Jayce felt a sickening familiarity creeping across his body as unmistakable shame began to set in through the ceaseless tears. Laying there, motionless and alone, felt like every late-night he'd spent awake, desperate to sleep as the 3 am anxiety seeped into his core. In the darkness, longing cries fell silently into the abyss of the Piltover skies, wishing more than anything that Viktor was there. Jayce always felt it was wrong to feel how he did about, what, a work partner? And yet he couldn't distract himself. He covered everything up so seamlessly with Mel and painted himself to be the face of perfection, but just looking at Viktor almost convinced him to give in. The underlying desperation to be able to hold him, to tell him everything Jayce had ever needed to and to run his hands down Viktor's sides just once was crippling but untouched. He told himself the time would come in their futures, just as fate had intended, for him to confess, but the sudden reality of his situation ripped any hope for a tomorrow away from Jayce. It was fruitless then, feelings never spilt, and there, in the light of the afternoon sun flooding into the lab, his hands once again grasped at nothing as Jayce realised he'd never get the opportunity. He cried endlessly into the void of the lab, the heavy breaths and yelling involuntary and ceaseless.