On My Mind ━━ Kakashi Hatake

45 ━ Only Fools Fall in Love

How he had not been able to see the many signs sooner, Kakashi did not know. He was deeply aware of the fact that the people around him, even his crush, considered him to be a once in a generation prodigy. All his life he had been told how intelligent he was, and yet here he was, holding a monologue about his feelings in front of the graves of his deceased teammates.

Without a doubt, Kakashi was intelligent, but at the same time also lacked emotional intelligence. When it came to his work as a Shinobi, he practically knew everything. From more than a hundred jutsu, to shuriken and kunai and to the art of using a sword, he knew the inside and outs. Yet when it came to his feelings, the sheet of Kakashi's knowledge was totally blank.

He couldn't even think of anyone to ask about his feelings. There were Fuji and Miho of course. Throughout the years he had known them, they had taught him more about his own feelings than he could have ever discovered on his own. Yet, asking them about potential feelings he could have for their daughter, it felt awkward. At the same time, he did not want either of them to judge him or worse: lose the relationship to them that he had. He was unsure how the couple would react to his confession and if they would approve.

Kakashi just wished that when his father had gone on and one about love, that he had listened instead of ignoring his ramblings. Maybe then he would know what to do. Over time, he had already realized how his feelings for the peculiar brunette had changed again and again into something different.

At first, he found Izumi to be really annoying. Looking back on it now, he couldn't entirely pinpoint how his first impression of her had came to be. Maybe it had been her overwhelming optimism or the way she appeared to see the good in everything. Either way, his first instinct had been to not only avoid her, or at best not associate with her at all.

Things hadn't turned out as he expected them to.

When his father had practically forced him to interact with the brunette, he had first viewed it to be a joke. His father had always had ideas he couldn't agree with, and interacting with someone who was so different from him seemed to be another one of those. It will do you well, my son, he had said.

His father had been right along, not that Kakashi would ever admit that aloud.

It was inevitable for him to grow closer to her. Every time he attempted to distance himself from her, something just seemed to pull him closer time and time again. Maybe it was how carefree Izumi was around him, always seeing the positive and never worrying too much about the negative going on. A fresh breeze in his life, per se.

"I called you a fool for falling in love. I am just a fool, as I always said you were," Kakashi sighed, his hand coming to rub his eyes in distress. Then he scoffed, "How ironic."

Around her, he didn't feel pressured to meet any expectations or to be a certain person like the genius everyone had hailed him to be since early childhood. He could be just Kakashi, a boy with silver hair and a scar across one of his eyes. There was no legacy of the Sharingan and neither was there his choice of career hanging over his head in every conversation. He was just him and no one else.

"I'm not sure if this is what non-platonic love feels like, but there is something I am feeling for her. I just can't put it into words," Kakashi confessed to the stone in a hushed whisper. "I'm scared? I don't know ..."

In great detail, Kakashi could recall how he had felt during the last few months, how much of a toll the brunette's state had taken on him. There was no better word to describe how he had felt, because he had really been scared. Fear had been etched into his very bones, it consumed and swallowed him whole.

The moment he had sat down in the hospital chair again, his breaths coming out heavy and his eyes closed to calm down, that moment would most likely stick with him for forever. He had been frozen, his every limb unable to move anymore. The things he had seen, the metallic smell of blood taunting bile to crawl up his thoughts, all of them overwhelmed the silver-haired all at once.

"I had been scared to lose her, to lose my family," That was exactly why he had been so hesitant to get close to anyone, because losing them hurt a hundred times worse. "I can't ... I can't."

While Izumi had spent time in the hospital, Kakashi knew that initially, she had chosen to ignore him. While it hurt him deeply for her to do that, he could understand why she had chosen to, he had done the same to her countless times already, after all. Retribution should not have surprised him as much as it did.

Zero contact was his worst nightmare. One, he would not like to repeat.

At the same time, Kakashi couldn't help but think that without him in her life, Izumi would be much better off. Wasn't he just a burden to her, to Fuji, to Miho? They were the ones who made him happy and feel indescribable delight, and yet, he did not feel like he truly belonged. More than anything, he felt like he was putting a weight on their shoulders.

Kakashi let out a loud sigh and tipped forward in his position, now leaning closer to the stone. "Tell me, Obito, what am I supposed to do?"

The KIA stone remained quiet.

Kakashi let out a chuckle. "Of course, you can't answer. How stupid of me."

Yet, he couldn't let them go. They were the family he had earned along the way and the family that got his back, them, he could not live without, and so he knew.

He shook his head. "I can't tell her. There are so many others out there, who would be better for her." 'Better than some fifteen-years-old ANBU', he thought. What could he even offer her?

What was he even supposed to do? To love and how to deal with a crush, there was no book he could read, no scrolls he could study and analyze down to every word. It was something he had to dive in head first instead of preparing beforehand, and that alone frightened him.

It was a desperate attempt, but Kakashi hoped that maybe Rin had a piece of advice for him from beyond the afterlife. Out of everyone in Team Seven, she had always been the one with the romantic streak. It was not rare that she spoke about the last romance book she had read, always immersing herself in those kinds of things.

As he always did when visiting her, Kakashi placed a fresh bouquet of flowers into the flower pot beside her grave. "Hey, Rin. I'm sorry for not visiting as much. I've been on a few missions too many and ..." He let out a sigh. "Times are rough, and I don't know what to do."

The surrounding silence sent a shiver down his spine.

Kakashi placed his face into his hands, murmuring, "What am I supposed to do, Rin?"

Distantly, he could recall something she had once said following a mission where they had to protect a couple to be, "If you love someone, you show them your true self. If they can't accept it, then they don't love you.".

And she had been right that day, Kakashi realized. Back then, he had dismissed her many thoughts as mindless ramblings that distracted him from the mission, but now, he realized, that not once she had been wrong. Especially now, even after death, Rin managed to somehow be his wing woman, by his side, telling him what it was he had to do.