What I know

Part Four

I don’t know anything. Although I’m not sure whose fault it is, it may be mine, or it may be because of what I was. I hope that’s the reason.

“Nobody deserves that.” I tell him. I stay seated on the bed, although I want nothing more than to hold him in my arms and never let go.

Conrad shakes his head and looks up at me. “Tell me something else.” He asks, trying to distract himself from his demons I assume.

I say the first thing that pops into my head, I don’t even think about it. “You’re beautiful.” I tell him seriously.

Conrad looks up at my words and from his bewildered expression I know they had their desired effect. I giggle at him and hide my blush.

He stalks towards me slowly and I shuffle back further on the bed. “You think I’m beautiful.” He says, and tries not to laugh at me.

I take a deep breath and say the last thing I ever expect to. “And I want you.”

I assume that he will stop, but he doesn’t. Conrad continues to move forward and he leans over me on the bed. He presses his lips to mine and I feel like I am in a different world. I have no clue what I am doing as I move my lips against his, but it feels right. He nips gently on my lower lip with his teeth and I gasp, opening my mouth. He slips his tongue into my mouth and something very different starts inside me.

My entire body begins to ache, heat pools in my core and I need to be closer to him, as close as I can get. I arch my back and press by body against his. What I feel when I do changes everything.

I freeze against his lips and push his body away from mine and scramble off the bed as fast as I can. I wrap my arms around myself and press my back into the wall.

Conrad looks slightly dazed as he watched me. “I’m sorry,” he says and tries to reach for me. “I didn’t mean to push you.” he looks devastated and it hurts me to see him that way.

“It’s not you,” I tell him, “and it’s nothing you did, I promise you.” I try to find a way to articulate what is going on inside, but I can’t find the words. I have never felt this before; this paralysing insecurity that I’ve seen plague so many girls at my high school. I feel like I would just wither and die if he turned up his nose at what I had to offer. I hate this feeling, I want the ambivalence back, I don’t want to care what this boy or any other thinks of me but I can’t and that scares me.

“Then what’s wrong?” Conrad asks me softly.

“What if I’m ugly?” I ask, completely terrified of the response.

Conrad looks at me and sighs. “You couldn’t be ugly if you tried.” He tells me and the sincerity in his voice rings true.

“Tell me.”

“Close your eyes.” Conrad commands. I do as he says. First he removes my shirt and the he begins to unbutton my jeans and roll them down my legs. I step out of them and I am left in nothing but my black one piece swimsuit. I shiver as his hands slip under the straps and begin to pull them down my arms. My breasts are exposed first and then my stomach. He continues to pull it down my legs and I step out of it and he tosses it across the room.

I hear him stand up and I suspect he is examining me so I shift uncomfortably on my feet. I feel the air shift around me and I know he has come closer. I am sure of it when I feel his bare chest press against my back. I feel his hands hold onto my waist and he leads me to another part of the room.

“Open your eyes.” He whispers into my ear, making goosebumps prickle on my skin.

When I do open them I see my refection in the mirror and I see Conrad standing behind me. The first thing I notice is the look of admiration in his eyes as his gaze travels down my body and back up to settle on my face.

“Where to start?” Conrad asks teasingly.

“Where ever you want.” I tell him, and he bends down to run his hand slowly up my leg from ankle to thigh.

“Your legs are sexy.” He tells me. “They are so long and toned and they are part of you, so I love them.” He traces his hands from the tops of my thighs to the curve of my bum. “Now your ass,” he says and he pulls his hand away and brings it back hard. I jump at the sting and am about to say something, but the sudden contrast of the sting and the fell of him massaging me made me weak at the knees. “Your ass is so tight and firm and it is a part of you, so I love it. Your waist is so small and delicate and it is a part of you, so I love it.” He runs both hands up my stomach to cup my breasts, running his thumbs over my nipples, causing them to harden and pucker. I moaned as he squeezed them gently, and I tossed my head back. “Your breasts are so high and pale and they are a part of you.” This time when his hand travels down my body it stops over the triangle of blond hair at the centre of my body. When he presses his hand to me I moan in pleasure, it feels amazing. He runs one finger through the pulsing centre of my body and I roll my hips and try to press closer to his hand. “You are so perfect, because you are you.” He whispers huskily into my ear.

I turn my face towards him and kiss whatever part of him I reach first.

As I stand in front of the mirror and watch this scarred man worship every inch of my body I realise the difference between lust and love. Right here, right now, with Conrad, is love. He respects me and loves me and the lustful feelings only make it better and more human. When he lifts me up and places me on the bed I know what it is like to be human, and I pity those who were like me and never got to experience this part of human perfection.

The next morning I wake to the sound of a ringing cell phone. Conrad groans and reaches over top of me to pluck it of the nightstand and answer it.

“Hello?” he asks groggily, rubbing his eyes. “Yeah, it’s done… positive… I’m finished… thanks.”

I watch in silence as Conrad’s tortured black eyes fade to hazel with gold flecks. “What happened?” I ask as I trail my fingers across his cheek bone.

“I got my humanity back.” he tells me with a satisfied smile.

“How?” I ask confused. From what I had been told, it’s impossible for a demon to get its humanity back.

Conrad looks at me and wraps me in his strong arms. “That’s the deal, you save one, then you get your life back.” he tells me.

“Who did you save?” I ask, half asleep.

Conrad chuckles then kisses my temple. “You, stupid.”

“Oh.”

We manage to pull ourselves out of bed in time to get to school, but what I see when I get there makes me want to crawl back into bed and not get out again, ever. Both my parents are standing in the middle of the courtyard surrounded by two police officers and the principal.

 I groan into Conrad’s leather jacket. “I should have called my parents.” I mutter under my breath before hopping off the motorcycle and handing him my helmet. “I would stay here if I were you.” I advise him.

“Good idea.” I hear him mutter as I walk towards my frantic looking parents.

“Mum, dad!” I call as I walk towards them. “I am so sorry, I should have called, it completely slipped my mind.”

“Kasen!” they cry simultaneously and pull me into the tightest hug known to man.

“What happened to you Kasen? We were so worried.” She asks me.

“Nothing,” I lie. “I’m fine.”

Both my parents look at me with disappointed expressions, they know I lied and it hurts them to see, because that means they know the truth.

“Oh Kasen, why?” my mother cries dramatically.

“Because I would rather be human.” I say. “And don’t bother picking me up after school, mum, I’ve already got a ride.” I add as I walk away from them and the life that was chosen for me and I know that I made the right decision.