I don't go out much besides school. Some days feel fine. After school I hang out with my friends in the park next to my school. Me and Ann live close to each other so we share most of the ride back home. School doesn't feel like a chore anymore. I even find myself enjoying going there sometimes. I never felt like I was part of any group 'til now. I like feeling included. Car guy shows me I always have somebody to talk to. I like re-reading our conversations. I love how he follows up my jokes with more jokes. I create. My friends don't mind checking out my artwork, it motivates me to create more.
Other days don't feel as fine. Good thing is that the worst days kind of blend into each other so it's getting harder to tell them apart.
I'm twenty now. Car guy is getting a degree in Business. He isn't as insecure of his looks now. He has couple of his pictures on his little profile now. We don't talk that much anymore. Last year we saw each other for the first time after years of just texting. We even went to a weekend trip to the sea he planned for me because I was working. I only took one picture throughout the whole trip. The view looked perfect for a sketch, I never saw that picture ever again.
I went to art school. Dropped out in a week because I couldn't go sober for two days in the row.
Nancy is studying to be a pilot, of course she doesn't have time for me anymore and I understand.
I don't even know what Ann is up to. I'm not even sure if it's my fault things turned out this way. I'm happy that she seems to be doing great. I know that she plays for a band she loved as a kid. I see her art occasionally. I'm happy she's working hard to achieve everything we both dreamed of. She probably has a lot of friends in art school, she seems to fit right in. I saw her couple of times in the hallway. She seems to be doing okay. Good for her honestly.
I don't even know if I really want to re-enroll next year or if I'm saying this to myself to feel better about myself. Being the oldest one in the class probably sucks. I saw it coming.
I help out my family, I pay for my sister's tuition. I made sure I never come across Ann's art ever again. This morning I squinted while smoking a cigarette, fog from the smoke made scenery look more haunting. That's the most artistic thing I've done this month. I lost my job two, three weeks maybe a month or two ago. I can't really remember. I haven't left the house in so long being outside made me feel overwhelmed today.
Not all the things work out the way you want them to. Sure, most of the friends I made at work aren't in my life anymore. I'm still thankful they were part of it at some point. I'll always remember the first time they took me to a bar. How I broke some random guy's heart when I realized in the morning that he's no soul mate of mine.
First day at job I wasn't sure I could handle all the pressure. Sales are exhausting. What makes me think I'm good with communication, I don't have a single friend from childhood. I'm not a native English speaker and clearly I think that grammar is a scam. I didn't even have enough guts to leave my first job with dignity. I just blocked their number and stopped showing up. All my friends are busy with university. I mostly spend my time indoors. I smell like cigarettes and cheap beer.
Aiden
Ray of sunshine. He's thirty-something years old and happily married. He has the most faded, squiggly looking tattoos I've ever seen. His buddy must've been terrified when he saw how the tattoo turned out. I don't know anybody else who would let a friend tattoo them just to lift their spirits up. He walks around with his IPad and believes I'm the most artistic and empathetic person he has ever seen. He pulls me out of work frequently and talks to me. Aiden sits on my table and gives me his IPad to draw because I'm obviously anxious. He told me that he notices how sometimes in a smoking room I'm just happy to be there. I feel like there's nothing in the world that he won't understand. He's the first person I text when my grandmother dies. His job is to listen to the phone calls I make to my clients. He says that he's fascinated by how I always end up talking about bizarre things with my clients and they always listen.
I like how I haven't written a single word about the guy I dated for year and a half this far. He wrote a song about me. He drove in my parents' car when I run away from home. He was the one who cut my finger trying to take away my paper cutter the day I failed my art exam. I only saw Aiden outside the office once. Nothing crazy ever happened. I'm proud that he's more worthy to me to write about and I want it to stay that way forever.
