My Struggles

False mindset

I've always wanted to be the popular kid in school and the one with the most friends but after becoming popular for the wrong reasons I find that being popular isn't cool. I've became the popular kid when I moved schools in 9th grade because some girl said I did something I never did later to find out it was some collage kid. But I am for that and back in 10th grade I got into a fight and I didn't know if the person I fought was being serious or not but I did end up losing the fight. Now anytime someone gets mad at something I say and I retaliate they say didn't you lose to that one kid. It's stupid how people cling on to one thing and can't let it go if it turns out to be true or false. I find myself in the same mindset at the end of everyday being a normal kid in 11th grade. Why am I the one who is alive, Why am I the one who has the fucked up life, Why am I the one who can't do anything right. Because I built this mindset if someone in my family or friend group or some ordinary person said I love you, or you did a good job, or you mean something, I always tell myself that I'm none of those things. I always tell myself your not worthless, your a failure, and you have no purpose. I find myself stressing on things that people shouldn't stress about. If I hear people talking I will stress and in my mind I'll convince myself they are talking about me. If I'm in a crowded place I'll convince myself that everyone is staring at me. I want to end this chapter with advice I wish I was told "You can't love someone if you don't love yourself" or "You got to love yourself internally before externally"