Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

Chapter 6

"Also, the Vice President and Speaker of the House will be listening in."

"About the Speaker," I said. "Weren't we going to change her title? She talks too much as it is. Calling her a Speaker only encourages that kind of thing."

Gabby just turned away, allegedly counting to 10 so she didn't tell me what she really thought. I got to look at her tight ass and she wasn't insulting me anymore. It was a double win.

"Get ready to go, Mr. President," the director said. "We go live in 60 seconds."

All the computer screens turned on and I gazed at my adoring public or obnoxious reporters, depending on what network they were from. The leather chair was just like the one I used to have upstairs before it got blown into angel dust. Nice and comfy. I sat down and spun around. Whee!

"Live in 5...4...3...2...1.  Mr. President! Stop spinning."

'Huh?" I tried to stop myself but just banged my knee on the desk. "God damn stupid ass place to put a desk leg! Fuck!" I howled in a pain fueled bellow, followed by a stream of obscenities.

Then I noticed everyone staring at me.

"You guys didn't film that, did you?" I asked.

"We're live, Mr. President," the director smiled. I later learned that he could have used the seven second delay to spare me much embarrassment. For some reason he didn't, and many unfortunate memes at my expense followed.

Maintaining my composure, I started my speech.

"Good afternoon, members of the press, Mr. Vice President, Ms. Mute of the House and, of course, my beloved fans, also known as the American People." I could feel my approval ratings skyrocketing there.

"Right now we're up against the greatest challenge facing our nation. The forces of hell have conspired to take away our hard earned freedoms that we as Americans have sacrificed so much for. They're also blowing stuff up. Lots of stuff."

I took a second for this to sink in, as there might have been a few citizens that hadn't noticed.

"But this is America and when hell comes to us, we go to hell. We go directly to hell. We do not cross Go. We do not collect $200. We go straight to hell kicking ass and taking names!"

I paused for a second. "It's time for all of you to clap."

There was applause. There was not raucous applause. Mostly there were confused faces. I took that as my cue to continue.

"I'm sure you've all seen my movies, but I want to show you some clips so you can see how I personally dealt with the demons. In the scene you're about to watch, I'm holding Demonium the Deranged by his hooves over a vat in the Holy Water Factory. Watch how I get the coward to betray his demonic brethren. Scene!"

Instead of the clip from Hellfire Jones V of me torturing the hellslime; which is the only way to make their kind talk, they switched to a scene of me running naked through a sorority house.

This was from my very first movie, Bad Boy VII: The Panty Raid. While I was obviously very well endowed, this did not go down as one of my finest cinematic moments. It was a bomb for Wattpad Studios and it had absolutely nothing to do with me defeating the forces of darkness.

"Cut! Cut!" I shouted. "Someone is getting fired for this! Many people are getting fired! Turn off the damned cameras!"

"We're live, Mr. President," Gabby smirked. "We can't turn off the cameras."

I later learned that they very well could, but the damage had already been done. It was time for me to pull a Hellfire Jones and save this debacle of a speech.