Fervor

DAY 1

Dear Fervor,

I guess I have to introduce myself first huh? So, my name is Helaine - Helaine Aubrielle. I am already twenty-one years old, well technically turning twenty-one a month from now on the 16th. I am the middle child in my family - my mother is a lawyer and my father is a seafarer, my older brother's name is Art Calyx and my younger sister's name is Celestine Hesha. Life has been good, well I guess it is supposed to be good but I honestly feel the other way around - I guess I should call this my adulting crisis huh? 

And basically, that is the reason why I decided to write to you, because just like my mother - I can openly share what I am thinking and feeling through writing. Let's say that she is the one who suggested this method to me because it seems like she noticed that I am having trouble sharing what I feel. She told me that she also experienced the same thing when she was the same age as me and the one that helped her go through such a struggle is writing - detaching herself for a while from everything even from my dad. 

Let me just be straight with you Fervor, since we are the only ones here - I do not know what I feel right now, or maybe I do, it's just that I am too scared to admit it to myself and to him. I am not dumb and I already consulted my best friend before I decided to write to you. 

Jealousy

That is the feeling that I am feeling right now. I have a boyfriend which I will no anymore name but I just want you to know that I love him so much. Six months, that's how long we are together and I know everything about him and he knows a lot about me as well. I am well informed that he has friends and best friends (girl and boy best friends) specifically he has three girl best friends and one boy best friend and he is pretty close with them. 

I know they are just best friends and he even assured me that there is nothing to be worried about, specifically he said 'hindi kami talo nun' and I know because that is how he is, he knows how to set boundaries and the likes but still for some reason, I cannot help myself from being uncomfortable with this lady - one best friend who goes by the name Sophia. 

For some reason, every time that he mentions her name it feels heavy, and recently we had an argument about her. He posted her on a social media platform and if I were a stranger I would think that there is something going on between the two of them. It pained me but since I am a rational human being, I chose to understand and I said to him that I can manage, that he does not need to create a wide distance between the two of them because she is his friend and I am not that selfish. 

But even if I said it's okay, it does still feel heavy right now - especially when he said that Sophia is going to visit him to give something to him. I don't know what I should feel anymore, I am even questioning if what I feel is actually right because why do I feel like this jealousy that I am feeling is completely wrong?

I know I am gaslighting myself right now, I actually do it every time and I know it isn't right but I just do not know anymore. What should I do, Fervor? I cannot even tell to him - not because I am afraid nor he will act violently about it but it is because I promised to myself that I am no longer going to make it an issue - that I will try to resolve this feeling to myself because just like what I have said to him, I can manage and I can compromise. 

Tell me Fervor, is what I am doing the right thing? Or I am just making things worse? Should I just ignore this feeling of jealousy or should I continue to harbor it inside me without telling anyone a single soul about what I truly feel. 

Oh well, I know that you wouldn't even answer me - how can a blank notebook answer me? But anyways, it is a good thing that I met you, now I can share my thoughts and feelings without hesitation because I know you will not dare to talk back, judge me, or something that will make me feel anymore worse than what I am feeling right now. 

Sorry for immediately ranting to you, Fervor and it is nice meeting you. There are still a lot of things that I want to talk about and I'll just reserve it for tomorrow. 

Sincerely,

Helaine