Memory is Futile

Chapter IV: Memories of his happy place

I'd always wondered about that forest. Something about it bugged me. Bugged me right up until it couldn't.

Maybe it was the way the name of it sounded, or how deep into the forest we'd actually gone. Perhaps it was the shrine and the different Torii that lead to it. The Shime Torii and its shimenawa that hung in the middle, littered with hopeful notes or goodbye letters down the posts. Or the Shinmei Torii leading to a shrine a little ways from his happy place. All the shrine statues that lined the stray path and the tiny climb that still felt brutal on bare feet.

That lake again. We did end up going one more time. This time I caught the forest name. The sea of trees, or japan's suicide forest. The little kitsune statues were always well cleaned. There was always this saying that my mama stuck to when I was little, and it was that "those who dabble in the affairs of Kitsunes, must always have a little of their spirit in them." It made me think of Kat. Made me wonder why 青木ヶ原 (aokigahara) was his happy place. Why he picked this forest.

I never wanted to think of the implications, just about how pretty he looked surrounded by fireflies and his favorite flower. Even the little things were more interesting.

Kat came here often. To the forest. The lake. Came to see the spider lilies all the time. It seemed like they never died. Just stayed there, bloomed.

He'd walked over to me with a journal. It had dirt on it, he'd just dug it up. Told me it was his. I asked why. "You wanted to know how I found this place." So I read it. Some of the pages pulled at my soul, others were more happy. But the last one? It was a letter. A goodbye letter, to be exact. Maybe.

He'd planned to...no. Reading further, it was never that kind of note. Just seemed like it. It went on to explain that the spirits there were comforting. That he felt at peace in the forest. 青木ヶ原 claimed many souls, however most of them died there. His just lingered. I still had him. That's what mattered. Might not have been much longer but I didn't care. He was with me.

I watched as Kat tended to the shrine. He'd been the one to keep it clean. Never did I think about that. Not once. Though, he did an excellent job. Was thorough, made sure the offering box never went without at least a single yen. You'd think it was his life's work. Maybe it was.

The lilies must of been his doing too. There was a grave not too far behind the shrine. A little girl, died during the Meiji period. Name was Akahana. Her last name was unreadable. But he cared about her. Cared that her grave was maintained. Cared about her in the same way he cared about that shrine, and it was amazing.

I learned later that all the spider lilies were there before him, but he made sure they were taken care of, and that he rebuilt the shrine. The Torii were not his doing, and neither was the statues. Just the shrine, shrine box and that little girls grave.

And even though there were no animals in 青木ヶ原, I swear I saw a kitsune fox that day, standing by her headstone. And when I looked back? It was walking away, and she sat there watching us leave and waving to us from her headstone.

We saw her again when we reached the entrance of 青木ヶ原. She ran off, back into the thick woods, fox never leaving her side.

"She said she thinks you're nice. Likes you, even." He smiled.

"I think I'd like to be here with her when I die."