Disarray |h.s|

Chapter Twenty Four

As the stars begin to shine their way down from the night sky, I notice the peace I felt just moments ago start to dwindle away. And I know it's a result of the anticipatory anxiety forming deep in the pit of my belly and starting to take control and I can physically feel my heart rate quicken.

Nothing bad has happened, I know that, but I also know that this feeling of peace and happiness won't last. And the longer I sit here and bask in it, the worse it seems to become.

We just graduated. And the truth of that is starting to settle in. This is real now. There's no more hiding from the inevitable. We have to face reality. The harsh, cold, and ugly reality I've been desperately avoiding for the past few weeks. The reality that means I only have about two and a half months left with Harry before he leaves me to move across the country.

It scares me how quickly my mood can change. From being so happy thinking about my time with Harry, to being so sad thinking about how little time I have left with Harry.

And that's why I no longer feel peace in this moment, because I know my moments like this, the ones I genuinely feel at peace, like I'm safe, like I'm invincible, are limited. It's stupid, I should be enjoying the peace and happiness while it lasts, but I can't. I hate myself for being so pessimistic after I finally learned how to be optimistic; I really just can't enjoy the moment when I know I'll only get so many more.

"Hey, what's going on?" Harry nudges me off his shoulder, turning his body on the bench so he was fully facing me.

"What do you mean?"

"I know you well enough to know when your mood shifts, I can feel it. Are you okay?" He studies my face like he's trying to read my mind while he's got concern etched onto his own.

Am I okay? At this moment, my answer should be yes. Because nothing's imminently wrong. So I'm okay right now, but I know that soon I won't be. And that's what's got me worked up. It frustrates me beyond belief that this is the way that my brain is programmed. I hate myself for it and I just wish I was normal. Why do I get so bothered by my thoughts? By things that haven't even happened yet? I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. But I don't want to ruin this moment, or this night, though so I have to just ignore this feeling and push it away to the back burner of my mind for now. At least for tonight.

So I just nod my head and force a smile that even I can tell doesn't reach my eyes. "Yeah, I'm alright. Why don't we get going, it's getting late and I'm sure your mom is done or almost done with dinner."

I start to stand up from the bench, but Harry doesn't let me get too far since he pulls me right back down.

"Mace, talk to me. What's bothering you?" I feel bad, I didn't mean for the mood to shift so drastically, and I definitely didn't mean for him to notice. I don't want to put the attention on myself, and I really don't want to talk about this right now.

I know that just because something good happens in a day, like graduating, that doesn't mean the entire day will be filled with happiness and only good things. I can't have expectations for the day, and that's okay. I know I have a right to be upset about him leaving so soon, but it's not something that I want to talk about right now, and that's okay too. I just need to be able to communicate that with him, which is where I'm struggling.

Him leaving me to go to college and what's going to happen to us is going to be a hard conversation to have, whenever we have it. And I don't know how it's gonna end, and I'm definitely not ready to find out.

"Harry I really don't wanna talk about this right now, okay? I'm sorry I don't mean to be difficult but I just really don't have it in me to talk about this right now or even at all today."