Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Nine

I still hadn't spoken to Harry since Saturday, and now I'm even more inclined to push him away. He wasn't even that close to begin with, barely in arm's reach of my hands to be able to push him away. But, I didn't want to let him get any closer.

I put a strain in his friendship with two people, not one, but two. And I feel terrible. He was with me instead of his friends on Saturday, and by the sounds of it, it seems like Harry had canceled on them for me. If it was a spur of the moment thing, and Harry said he couldn't go because he had plans with me, that might be a little bit different. But from the way those guys were talking, it sounds like he fully ditched them just to see me. Now I'm sure they resent me. And once they convince Harry that all I'll ever be is a wedge between them, splitting them apart, he'll resent me too.

So, it's better to push myself away before I get too attached and find myself falling off the deep end.

The bell ringing brought me out of my head and back to the surface, where I forcefully made my way to my next class.

There were only three classes left, thank god, one of them being free period, which I planned spending in the D wing bathroom again. I just hoped I didn't bump into Harry in the hallway at all.

I just need to keep my eyes down and not look at anyone as I go from class to class. Nothing I'm not used to.

School ended and I rushed to get on the bus. I didn't want to risk Harry seeing me and trying to talk. I knew it'd be impossible to avoid him completely, but I'd avoid him for as long as I could.

I wasn't ready to face him again and I'm not sure if I ever really will be.

The bus ride was short, and Dani tried talking to me but I wasn't in the mood for talking. She and I usually sat with each other on the bus. Dani had other friends she could sit with, but she always sat with me instead. I think it's because she feels bad that I don't have any other friends anymore.

It's pity, but whatever. I don't say anything about it.

Either way, she tried engaging in conversation with me, but I couldn't do it. She knew something was off, I could tell she knew by the way she looked at me with concern in her eyes, a crease indented in her forehead between her furrowed eyebrows.

I simply just did not want to talk to anyone right now. So that leaves me in my room by myself lying on my bed with my homework spread around me. Dani was doing her homework in the dining room, she knew I just wanted to be left alone right now. I tried doing my own work, but I feel so worn out and tired that I can barely hold my pen between my fingers. I didn't even have the energy to make myself my usual after school smoothie.

I wanted to sleep, and I tried hard to, but my mind was racing and wouldn't calm down even for a second. I kept replaying the events from school today, and I felt so disappointed in myself. That sort of breakdown has only happened once before while at school, and it was when I was in eighth grade.

No one was around, though. I had stayed after school hours to get some extra help with geometry, my teacher suggested it, and though I didn't want to, I didn't know how to say no, so I went.

Anyways, I was walking from my locker to the front door of the building so I could walk home, and I just felt a wave wash over me, like I was tugged underwater by a rip current and could no longer bring air into my lungs. There was no stopping the weight that caved in on my chest and the ache in my bones.

I ran to the bathroom and had my meltdown, very similar to how it happened today, but without the cutting. It was a lot of crying, yelling, and slamming my head on the bathroom stall. I'm pretty sure I gave myself a concussion with that one, but I didn't want to tell Julie what happened so I never went to a doctor. I didn't deserve to go to a doctor. I deserved to live with the concussion just like I do with my scars. As a reminder. It's the consequence of my actions.