Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

War Is Hell...and Heaven

"Soon there won't be anyone on the internet because you've got them so riled up they're going to kill each other. You appeal to everyone's baser instincts while we show them the glory that could await them."

"And if they don't measure up, you kill them, right?" Blanche asked.

"Kill is such an ugly word. I prefer smite."

"You know," Blanche smirked. "We're really quite similar. You angels want to kill the heathens. We want to kill the heathens."

"Not the same thing."

"Oh, our methods differ but the bottom line is that your side doesn't want the unrepentant sinners. We make sure you don't have to deal with them. Think of us like a roach motel. We trap 'em so the creepy crawlies never make it upstairs. It's a win-win all around."

"What you're saying is blasphemy," Dirk glared. "But... it could be the basis of a peace treaty. This actually might work."

"Let's get the parchment, draw some blood and start signing," Blanche said. "Just kidding about the blood part."

"The contract must be thoroughly vetted," Dirk said. "Heaven doesn't get a lot of lawyers and most of them are incompetent public defenders. We need to...Wait! What's that noise?"

Dirk's words were drowned out by an infinity of beating wings. The Angel Armada had launched their first salvo.

"Noooooooo!" Dirk and Blanche shouted in unison. War had started without them.

Any chance for peace was now dashed. Dirk wanted to prove that harmony was possible no matter what the circumstances. Blanche was going to sneak a hidden clause in the contract that angels shall hereinafter be known as 'Winged Buttheads.' Now both their lofty goals were dashed.

The Heavenly Choir took to the skies playing sanitized harp versions of beloved heavy metal classics. This was the declaration of war.

Then the heavy hitters took to the skies raining angelfire. An armada of angels, each the size of jumbo jets, roared through the clouds. These were the Seraphim of Retribution. There were an eternal number of eyes on their massive wings. The eyeballs peered into each person's soul, deciding whether they were naughty or nice. This was quite tedious and most of the eyes got tired very quickly. The angels therefore decided to speed the judgment bit so they could take a nap. They blew everyone up and let God sort it all out.

Golden rings the size of Ferris wheels rolled through the sky. Like the Seraphim, each was adorned with countless eyes. Within each eyed wheel was another wheel nearly as large but with twice as many eyes. These rolling angels then touched down on major highways and country back roads, running over anyone in their path. They did stop at all the stoplights,however. These were angels after all.

Then came the skyscraper sized Battle Angels who literally scraped the sky. The first wave had six wings and four faces: the face of a human, an eagle, an ox and a lion. These angels were so fearsome that just to gaze on their shadows caused people to explode in terror.

The angels that followed behind them were a bit smaller. They had the heads of a gecko, chinchilla, stork and chipmunk. These angels were not there to inspire fear. They were more comic relief, but still very necessary in the angelic scheme of things.

The demons were outnumbered so, to even the odds, they possessed humans to do their bidding. Many just twirled their possessed humans' heads around and spat out green mucus. These were mostly just a nuisance, but the Seven Deadly Demons meant business.

The Demons of Wrath were the most numerous and they didn't really have to do much. The humans were so busy being wrathful before they were possessed, that the demons just hung out for the ride. Some even took notes.

The Demons of Envy were jealous of the Wrath Demons because they seemed to be having such a good time. The Envies were overcome with such an overwhelming case of FOMO that they started possessing anyone they could. It was even worse when they checked out the Pride Demons' social media accounts. All those smiling pictures roasting in the fire and chomping on Entrail Pâté and human liver foie gras with bottles of Romanée-Conti Grand Cru made from distilled eyeballs. The Envy Demons felt like complete failures. This just made them angrier and more savage. These were all pretty great qualities to have when you're in the middle of a war, so it all worked out well.

The Demons of Gluttony went into restaurants and ate everything in sight. When there was no more food, they ate the wait staff. When they realized how awful the wait staff tasted, they spit the regurgitated corpses up into the air to try to hit the angels. During the famous Maitre'd Massacre, there were so many bodies flying through the sky that they briefly blotted out the sun.

The Demons of Sloth...well, they didn't do much.

The Demons of Lust did much fornicating as Lust Demons tend to do. Some used protection like good little demons. Most didn't. This caused many unwanted demonic pregnancies which is a bit of a misnomer because there's no such thing as a wanted demon pregnancy. The little baby parasites swiftly wormed their way out of any orifice possible and some didn't even bother with that. They'd shoot through stomachs like aliens or pop out of craniums like really bad ideas. These baby demons came into the world without proper role models so they just repeated the same mistakes as their parents. It was a vicious cycle, really.

The Demons of Greed wanted everything they could see. The first thing they wanted were better eyes so they could see more stuff. They'd rip human's eyes out of their sockets and tack them onto their demonic bodies for this very purpose. The only thing they could see were other Greed Demons with even more eyes. This made them even greedier. An enterprising little incubus reminded the demons that the angels had eyes everywhere. On their wings. On their chests. On places where humans would have unangelic organs. At the incubus' suggestion, the demons stopped killing each other and started killing angels. This was quite the strategic breakthrough for Team Demon.

The earth was set ablaze by destruction and chaos. The angels returned fire with destruction and order. The humans that weren't busy being possessed ran for cover, wondering who could possibly save them.

Some saw President Damen Price as a holy hero. He would often carry the Bible and, while he never quoted from it, he often threw it at people.

Others saw the president as the antichrist. He was an unrepentant sinner from Hollywood. Besides, as any conspiracy theorist knows, whoever is currently the president is automatically accused of being the antichrist. It's a long standing tradition.

No one knew anything about Mitchell Murphy or the part he had to play in this eternal battle. That would soon change.

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