Step of Faith

Chapter XX: Needed you

I didn't know that my competition would be so big. I might've done my usual manifestation talks in the car if I was aware of the number of people that'd be here. And I knew full well that 10 thousand more would be here in the stands because both games were sold out today.

Our team's game was first and my performances were before and after it. I felt my muscles lock with tension at the anxiety creeping up my throat. This was also a familiar feeling. Every time I had to perform in front of huge crowds of people my whole body locked up.

I could hear Levi telling me he'll put my bag in my locker room. But mostly everything around me was white noise. An arm on my shoulder startled me and made me flinch.

"Hey, it's just me," Theo's soft eyes fell on me, I could see him observing my face, analyzing me, "You okay?"

"Yeah, just a bit stressed," I sigh and rub at my eyes as if it would help me shake off the stress.

"You'll be great. Don't doubt yourself, pretty girl," his big arms pulled me into a semi-tight hug and I felt myself relax.

I'd noticed that I was starting to rely on him more and more. And it partially scared me. But I also felt relief that I finally had the option of not carrying all of my stress myself. I felt relieved that I had someone that cared about me more than I did myself.

It had been a problem my whole life. I didn't care for myself as much as someone should. My brother pointed it out often. And so did my mother. That was the breaking point for us. The point where I pushed them all away.

I didn't think I deserved the love and nurture they were giving me. My mother gave up after trying to get close to me again. Meanwhile, Spencer tore his way through thick and thin for me to let him in again. And I did.

It was a long journey with different therapists and long talks with my brother and his girlfriend for me to realize that I was punishing myself for the pressure of being perfect put on my shoulders.

A lot of kids that age feel that pressure. To be the best in school, to excel in a sport or school club. The pressure to be the best. It's the age where a lot of us tear ourselves to shreds, to the point of no return.

I think that I would've done that to myself if I didn't have my brother. After he died, a part of me died. The part he tried so hard to fix just evaporated into thin air. For a while, I blamed him for leaving me. For hurting me. But then I realized that I had to keep fighting for him.

If I didn't then all he did for me throughout our whole lives would be for nothing. Every single bit. And that's when I started doing my daily affirmations in the mirrors. Every mirror I saw I had to look in. He and Claire used to do that anywhere we went. It was like a part of him I kept to myself.

I could feel Theo's finger drawing hearts on my back and it made me laugh.

"For good luck," he whispered against my hair. I reached on the tips of my toes and pecked his lips.

"For good luck," I grinned up at him.

-

My first performance went flawlessly. Now I was sitting on the side of the rink observing the game. It's pretty nerve-wracking. It's already the second period and the score has been 1:1 for most of the game.

All of the guys are on edge. I could see them getting angrier by the second. And my heart broke when I saw Theo start doubting himself. He lost the puck a couple of times and I could see his skating getting sloppier.

As the buzzer of the end of the second period sounded I made my way to their locker room. I didn't knock when I walked in I just pushed through the guys to get to Theo.