advice . jeongchan

one

laying beneath a blanket of stars in the dark night, a young boy touched at dew dropped grass, his breaths calm and slow. he closed his eyes, focusing on the sounds around him. crickets. owl hoots. the whistle of wind every few minutes. he sighed and opened his brown eyes, staring aimlessly at the sky. his eyes began tracing different stars, blurring as warm tears trickled down his face, forming puddles when they hit his ears and wetting the grass below him. he gasped in short breaths as his cries increased, leaving him feeling helpless.

yang jeongin pitied himself as he lay in this empty park. he hated feeling so lost. he hated envying crickets and owls and wind. he hated wishing he was one of the countless stars in the sky. he sat up and wiped at the streaks of tears on his face and ears, cradling himself after. he held his knees to his chest and looked to the sky once more, "why is the world so selfish?" it was a question he didn't expect to get a response from—a meaningless inquiry.

"because it envies the ones who only want happiness. it wants to take that from those who crave security and warmth. the world is a dark place. a selfish place."

jeongin jumped at the unexpected voice, whipping his head around to search for the body it belonged to. behind him stood a man dressed in black with matching black hair. he smiled at jeongin—sadness showing as his lips curled. "i'm sorry i didn't know anyone was here," jeongin started, "i'll be going now."

he quickly stood and lifted his hand back to his face, hurriedly wiping the tears that refused to stop. he felt embarrassed to be caught crying at a park asking meaningless questions to voiceless skies. the stranger stopped him gently as he placed a hand on the boys arm, "you know, you could be a bit selfish as well. the world won't change for you, so why not just join it?"

jeongin sniffled and looked to the ground, giving a tight-lipped smile and walked away as fast as possible. his mind lingered on the words of the stranger as he made his way back to the four walls and a roof he was forced to call home. he no longer knew what to think. could he be selfish? could he stand up for himself? how would he even begin?

he stood in front of the dark wood door and pulled his phone out to check the time. 12:23 am. he sighed and pulled his keys out next, twisting it in the lock and quietly walking in. he slid his shoes off by the door and made his way upstairs to his bedroom, passing a limp body hanging halfway off the couch. he sighed at the drunken person he had to call his father. he stopped at his bedroom door, hand on the knob, when he heard quiet sobs. he walked to the closed door behind him that tried to conceal the noises. he placed his ear against it and listened for a moment as his mother cried. he squeezed his eyes shut and sighed, then proceeded to knock gently. the cries came to a stop and only sniffles were heard. "come in.."

jeongin twisted the golden knob and entered quietly. his mother sat on the floor, her back pressed against the bed. her eyes were red and swollen with her long black hair sticking every which way. a pair of scissors sat beside her on the floor, accompanied with what looked like a file, as tears continued to stream down her face. she gave jeongin a weak smile. his heart broke at the sight and he kneeled in front of her. she placed her palm on his face as her thumb swept across his cheek. jeongin looked down at the objects beside her, "what's going on, mom?"

she let out choked sobs and continued to smile painfully with quivering lips, "i'm so sorry baby."

the boy's face twisted in confusion and he picked the file up, reading the papers within. with each word he read, his heart shattered even more. "cancer? what.. what is this talking about? this isn't yours, is it?"

she nodded slowly. "i found out today." jeongin couldn't believe the words escaping her mouth. he shook his head, "no it can't be. it can't." she pulled her only child to her chest as they cried together. jeongin placed his head on her shoulder as tears soaked the material of her shirt, "does dad know?" she let out a small "yes" and jeongin pulled away.

"why is he drunk then?!" the teenager let out in anger, "he should be by your side, yet he's on the couch blacked out!" with these words, his mother let out louder sobs and shook her head, "not even this can change him.." the boy stood. he was furious. his good for nothing father was never around. he never helped. he was never a father nor a husband. jeongin knew this. but to ignore his sick wife? the woman who carried his child? the boy couldn't wrap his mind around it. his thoughts went back to what the stranger told him not long before. he was right. the world wouldn't change. it was selfish and it hurt and it took from people who didn't deserve it and gave to those who gave nothing in return. jeongin decided that for once in his life he wasn't going to just sit back. he huffed furiously and turned to make his way to the closet. he grabbed as many of his father's things and threw them into bags. his mother watched as she cried. she couldn't even bring herself to stop him. jeongin continued until he couldn't fit anything else and ran downstairs with all his father's things. he opened the front door and threw them out. his mother followed shortly and stood at the base of the stairs, just watching tearfully as her son stepped out of character and ran into the kitchen. he filled a vase with water and walked to the couch where his lazy excuse of a father lay and poured the water, watching his father flail around as he woke up, sputtering as the water covered him. he jumped up and looked to the one who soaked him. anger filled his eyes and his soberness set in, "what the fuck?!"

jeongin pointed to the open door, "get out." his father quickly buffed up to his taller son, "this is my house and i won't allow—!"

a punch landed in the older man's face, knocking him to the ground. the boy let out harsh breaths and grabbed his father by the collar, dragging him to the open door and shoving him out.

"don't ever show your face around me or my mother ever again. you're not a father or a husband." the man was speechless. for years he did what he wanted. hit who he wanted. yelled at who he wanted. in a single instant his victim shot above him. he spit blood out of his mouth beside him and dusted himself off, "just you wait you little shit. you're going to pay for this," he pointed to jeongin's mother, who still stood shocked at the stairs, "i'll kill you before that damn cancer." jeongin walked forward, "ever lay another hand on her and i'll be the one to put you in the ground." the man scoffed and picked his things up, walking away.

jeongin shut the door and locked it, placing the key that belonged to his father on the key rack. he looked to his mom and gently grabbed her arm to lead her to bed, "we'll change the locks and i'll help you divorce that monster. i'm sorry you've had to put up with him. i know you did it for me, but i'll make the rest of your life worth living." his mother cried out, "when did you grow up?"

he smiled and put his mother to bed, climbing in after and he held her tightly, "i got a bit of advice today."

—

march 16, 2022
feels good to be back