How to Stay Afloat

~11: Where She Tells Him About Her Past~

"They don't have the right to judge you. They don't even know you." Archer hissed.

I studied him for a moment before I spoke.

"Just like you didn't judge me when you first met me and saw where I lived?"

My tone was gentle but from the way he flinched at my words I might as well have slapped him.

"I'm sorry." The anguish in Archer's voice had my head tilting in his direction.

I swallowed. "You don't need to apologize."

"I do." He suddenly walked up to where I was sitting and squatted down, one of his knees touching the ground so that we were at eye level. "I need to apologize because you didn't deserve to be treated like that, no one does. I'm so sorry Fallon."

I cupped his cheek with my hand because suddenly I felt like I needed to comfort him. I ran my thumb gently over his cheekbone. He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.

"It's okay," I assured him. "This isn't the first time people have judged me and this won't be the last. It normally doesn't bother me because I've learned to not care about what other people think of me." I bit my lip when I found him looking at me intently.

My hand was still on his cheek. I gently removed it and fidgeted with my fingers in my lap.

"But today I guess why it affected me so much is because it wasn't just about me anymore. It was about people judging you for being with me. It was about your parents being uncomfortable with me being around you. I just felt so embarrassed. I haven't felt this way since. . ."

Tears stung my eyes and I tried to swallow the lump that had lodged itself in my throat,

"I haven't felt this way since I stopped dating Chase." I finished quietly.

I felt Archer's entire body go rigid in front of me. "Fallon, I've wanted to ask you this for a while but I always felt like it wasn't my place, it still isn't but I'll ask you anyway." His eyes were completely focused on my face. "What exactly happened between you and Chase Michelson?"

I closed my eyes at the mention of his name. A familiar ache settled in my chest.

"He-" I took a deep shuddering breath, "he hurt me."

Archer's entire body went so still that for a moment I was worried that he'd stopped breathing. I watched as his expression morphed, his jaw clenched, his eyes blazed with barely contained anger.

"I swear to God Fallon. If he as much as laid a finger on you I will fucking kill him." He snarled.

Something inside me softened. This was the first time another person had shown so much concern for my well-being.

"He didn't hurt me physically," I told him gently. "But he did hurt me. And I'm still healing." Archer still looked angry but some of his rage had simmered down, he looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue.

Tears blurred my vision and I brushed them away. I had never told anyone about this before. It was a secret I'd been harboring alone for so long. I hadn't even realized how much it had been weighing me down.

"I don't think Chase did it intentionally, I think that was just the kind of person he was and that was the best he could do and like I said- he never hurt me physically," I swallowed. "But I think he hurt me in a way that damaged me the most. He shattered my confidence and made me feel insecure. He made me continuously doubt myself. He believed he was better than me, and that I was lucky to be with him. He acted like he was doing me a favor by being with me and the worst part is that I started to believe it too." I sighed softly, "I mean when he asked me out at the beginning of sophomore year I was beyond thrilled. I couldn't believe it. I'd had this huge crush on him for ages, like so many other girls in our school. I couldn't believe that Chase Michelson had chosen me. Things were good at first, he'd leave cute notes in my locker, bring me flowers, and shower me with compliments, so it was pretty easy to ignore the red flags- like how adamant he was on keeping our relationship a secret. He even made me promise not to tell Peyton. He was obviously embarrassed to be seen with me. He kept reminding me of all the girls interested in him, making it seem like he'd done me a huge favor by choosing me. Then a few months into our relationship he started criticizing how I chose to dress and how I talked, how I walked, how I laughed. It was like nothing I ever did was good enough for him." My tears were falling freely now and I'd given up on trying to wipe them away. "It's hard to believe that I let it go on for as long as it did, but it was so easy to focus on just the good things and pretend like the bad things never happened. It wasn't until the bad moments started to overshadow the good ones that I realized how messed up things were. One day I was just lying in bed when I realized how much he'd changed me. I could suddenly notice the clothes I'd started to wear just to please him. I'd structured my entire life around him. I also realized that I didn't feel like myself anymore. He had changed me into someone who always felt insecure and worthless. That was the point where I decided to end things with him." I tried to swallow the lump that had lodged itself in my throat, "I'd become so emotionally dependent on him that it was hard to function without him at first, but things eventually got better. I found it in me to love myself again. I started dressing the way I liked. I guess that's one of the reasons I dress the way I do, it reminds me that when it comes to my life, the only opinion that matters is my own."

I finally lifted my head to look at Archer. My breath hitched. He was looking at me as if he was awestruck. Like he was seeing me for the first time. The look he gave me was so intense that I averted my eyes.

I licked my dry lips. "I guess what happened today with your parents took me back to that time again and I hated feeling like that. And I was so embarrassed, I couldn't gather the courage to face you or anyone in that party so I just sent you that text without thinking."

His hands suddenly cupped my face and he leaned forward so our foreheads were touching. His eyes remained locked with mine.

"Listen to me, Fallon Chambers." He whispered. "You are breathtaking, you are strong and brave and so precious, and anyone who has ever made you feel otherwise is the one who should be embarrassed to face you."

My breath hitched.

He was so close, that our breaths mingled every time we exhaled. My heart thundered so loudly in my chest that I was afraid he'd hear it and know just how much he affected me.

"Archer," I breathed. "I don't think I belong in your world."

His eyes closed and his arms came to wrap around my waist. He pulled me towards him so that we were hugging, my face was plastered to his chest.

His voice was muffled in my hair when he spoke. "In case you haven't noticed Fallon, my world kind of sucks." His lips brushed against my temple gently, "I know that you don't belong in my world, it's the reason I like you so much."

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