Always Fight | Bucky Barnes |

27

It was supposed to be a fun day, one where she could spend it with kids like her, other genetically special kids. Or mutants, as the world loves to call them.

It was supposed to be fun. I tried so hard to make it that way. I try so hard every day to make all of this easier for her while still desperately trying to find a way to undo our failure. I try so damn hard, but she's right. I'll never be her mother. 

"Dawn, you know she didn't mean that," Nat softly tries. I nod, taking in a deep, trembling breath to still myself before I follow my niece to the car.

"I know," I assure quietly, sparing a glance at all the family I have left, "Have a good day, you guys"

I turn back around and walk away, my running shoes barely making a sound on the hard floor.  I was already thinking about going for a run once I dropped her off, but now I know that I'm going to have to before I can return to the compound. Once I step outside and climb in my car that DJ already sits in, I try to turn the radio on as fast as I can to fill the tense, awkward silence. She doesn't say a word to me, but I can see that her rage has fled her just as quickly as it came. As I pull out of the compound and start the drive to where we're meeting the other kids DJ has made friends with over the years, DJ lets out a long sigh.

"Aunt Dawn-"

"It's okay, don't worry about it kid" I whisper, looking over and giving her a soft smile. 

"No," she starts, shaking her head and turning her body in the seat towards me, "No, it's not okay. You're doing your best and I know that. It's just..."

She stops, takes a long breath, and faces forward again. She plays with a few of her curls, her fingers twining the hair anxiously, "I know I'm not supposed to miss her anymore. I know that everyone has moved on and the world's starting up again. But I have these new, terrifying powers, and the only kids that'll talk to me besides Hunter are the ones with powers like mine. I know I'm not supposed to, but I miss her more now than I did then."

Tears gather in my emerald eyes, burning at the surface. Usually, I don't let myself cry. Usually, now more than ever, I try to keep that upbeat and happy composure for DJ and the team. Now, though, I let one of the tears fall down my cheek, reveling in the release that its burn across my skin brings.

"I get that," I simply say, fearing anything else will make more of the tears fall. I see DJ look back at me out of the corner of my eye, my gaze still firmly on the road that I travel.

"How bad do you miss him?" she asks, and she doesn't need to use a name. We rarely talk about him anymore, mainly because I think she's scared to bring up a topic that might wipe the smile off my face.

"Really bad," I breathe, another tear slipping down, "More now than I did then"

I see her release a deep breath, almost as if my confession has made a weight lift from her shoulders. To know that you're not alone, in any shape or form, is the sweetest honey to any wounded soul. 

The drop off spot is only a couple blocks away, so I pull the car over and park it along a strip of shops. Once I put the car in park, I turn to face her fully, knowing there's more to be said hanging in the air.

"How did you make it through everything you did? How did you not break? How in the hell did you stay so...so joyful in spite of it all" DJ asks, tears gathering in those eyes my brother gave her. 

Over the years, we've had a few conversations about my past. I never went into much detail, especially after the night we rescued her from the holding facility. The night I...murdered Clayton. She knows the gist of it all, though. The toll it took on me and the years it took to recover under Nick Fury, helping the Avengers from the shadows.

"When you're in a night that dark, the dark is different than just blackness," I softly begin, taking the courage to meet her gaze so deeply filled with trauma and pain at such a tender, young age, "It's a total absence of light. You don't think it's going to end, and some days you don't even know if you'll live through it."

I reach over and grab her hand, intertwining our fingers and holding it firmly, "But I'm a stubborn woman" 

DJ laughs shortly, her tears still falling. I chuckle softly with her, my amusement falling quickly. It was there, though. There was a breach of relief in the pain that today's brought.

"I didn't want that to be the end of my story. I didn't want to be found dead in that lab, or worse, used to do things I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for. All I've ever wanted to do was help people, make people feel safe," I pause, looking down at my lap to hide the tear that falls before I look back up at her, "So I found something to fight for. And I held onto it with an iron grip, let it be my tether to the light that I couldn't see but knew was there."

I reach up, stroking a few of her curls and letting my fingers fall to wipe a tear from her dark golden cheek, "Find something to fight for, sunshine.  Don't let it go, and I promise you, you'll make it out of this"

She nods, and I can tell she's trying to hold a sob inside. I cast a glance towards where I was supposed to be dropping her off before pulling my hands from her and sitting back.

"How about we skip this field trip and have a girls day, hm?" I suggest, giving her a soft smile. DJ laughs, really laughs, and her eyes sparkle like I haven't seen them do in years.

"Aunt Dawn skipping something? Are you sure you're feeling alright?" DJ jokes. I roll my eyes, turning forward in my seat again and restarting the engine.

"Okay, okay. Keep making fun of me and I'll make you walk" I announce, looking over at her with a smile. She smiles back and buckles up again.

"Do you want to get breakfast?" She asks, making warmth spread through my chest. 

"Sure thing," I announce, pulling back onto the road and driving towards my go-to breakfast place. As I do, the silence becomes a healing, comfortable one.

"So how did you and Bucky meet? I was always too young to understand" 

Instead of inwardly falling and my smile having to be forced, the smile on my lips is genuine and soft as I remember those steel blue eyes and the way the flesh and metal of his arms felt.

"That's a long story, you sure you're in for it?" I ask, glancing over at her. 

"Aunt Nat always talks about how cute your guys' story is, I've been dying to ask you for forever!" She exclaims, and I laugh heartily as I maneuver towards the breakfast place. 

"Well, I guess I'll just start from the beginning," I announce, a nostalgic smile playing at my lips, "It was 2016, and a man named Nick Fury had broken into my apartment"