Lost With You

Chapter Seventeen

My trembling hand subconsciously snuck its way to clutch the fabric of my t-shirt which provided a layer of protection for the tight, fragile skin that kept my heart from bouncing out. The feeling of terror immobilzed every inch of my body, causing my lips to remain sealed no matter how much I reassured myself that it was okay. I attempted to open my mouth once more, a tinge of confidence from mentally practicing the most appropriate thing to say exhorting me.
     However, I only managed to utter a few words, stumbling over them almost immediately. Even though I had repeated the lines in my head, it was not as simple to mimic the brave voice which executed them perfectly without a hint of fear. Thinking their stares were the main reason for my rare nervousness, the group shared looks of concern before apologizing and comforting me. They reassured me, telling me they would not force me and that they only asked out purely out of curiosity and worry.
     As I could not manage a proper sentence out, I only nodded to acknowledge their heartening messages while I focused on maintaining my breaths. I broke away from the eye contact and darted my vision to the ground, catching the oxygen I needed in order to calm down. A distorted fuzz overtook my brain and produced unclear thoughts that made my surroundings spin as I struggled to come up with an explanation from the overwhelming uncertainty I faced.
     A gentle hand landed itself on my shoulder, accompanied by Beth’s soothing tone. “Breathe, Jeremy. Focus on that first before anything.”
     Eyelids slowly closing, a peaceful darkness descended as my consciousness clung onto the firm but tender grasp. Gradually, I regained the ability to deeply respire and the indistinct, deformed ball which created noisy statics receded. I mustered up the will to look at my four friends, hesitance still dominating parts of me. I inhaled and exhaled, picking what I thought were the right terms and phrases to use at this moment.
     “I don’t know how to say this . . .” I trailed off, no longer sensing Beth’s grip but rather my fingers around my nape now. “I don’t really feel good about Natalie.”
     A couple of the bunch raised a brow, urging me to elaborate. Dubious about the reactions I might receive if I was too direct, I justified my reasons from the very beginning. Everyone attentively listened, and no one interrupted my story with gratuitous remarks, no matter how ridiculous it sounded to me.
     When I finished, there was an anticipated silence from everyone, but it wasn’t an unpleasant ambience. It gave off the impression that the gang was considerately pondering about suitable comments to give or questions to ask, making it easier to relax as they were not inundating me with judgment.
     “So,” Seth spoke cautiously. “In summary, you basically like Jonathan?”
     As he said that, there was a pang in my chest and the organ within it raced again. My sight fell to my shoes as I bit my bottom lip, refusing to give a proper response yet. I recollected all the times I persuaded myself to believe I was clueless to why I had such strong hateful emotions toward Natalie and why I could never help myself from being swayed by Jonathan’s kindness. The truth was that I was cognizant of the jealousy toward the innocent girl because her relationship with Jonathan suddenly seemed closer than ours.
     I denied every idea of growing fond of Jonathan beyond levels of friendship and feigned ignorance, hoping that those sentiments would disappear on their own one day. On the contrary, the more I avoided him, the more immense my desire to see him grew, and so did the pain of watching another person steal him away. I was helpless as I proceeded to force myself to believe a lie I couldn’t escape forever, which led to a harmful stress that weighed down on me.
     It’s like having Dad or Mom taken away again . . . My own whisper echoed.
     “Yeah,” I tersely admitted, a fiery sensation nested within my cheeks.
     “That’s fine, isn’t it?” Jack asked. “Falling in love is a normal thing, don’t worry so much about it.”
     “We thought something bad happened between the two of you or something,” Beth added sheepishly before smiling and pulling Faith closer to her by her waist. “We won’t tell you what to do, but we just want to let you know it’s okay to go with the flow.”
     “Thanks for telling us, Jeremy,” Faith bashfully stated.
     “Whatever it is, we’ll support you, man!” grinned Seth.
     The succor from the peers in front of me was enough to ease me that I felt stupid for overthinking their replies as I noticed that my anxiety had turned them into censorious bullies. They were nowhere near the monsters I had created out of self-doubt, and not only were they understanding but also as benevolent as they had proved themselves to be when I met them. Unlike the students in my previous school, I could trust them and I felt safe around them, especially after this encounter. They helped me decide what the best choice for me was and I could only express my gratitude to them.
     We lingered in the classroom for a while longer to chat, neglecting the horrendous lunch we would skip out on even if we still had time to spare. Seth also had a mini confession session and disclosed their gender identity as non-binary, which was why they acted strangely when they introduced themself. Previously oblivious to the fact they went by gender neutral pronouns, I apologized for making such an uncomfortable remark and we all had a good laugh eventually.
     With a better mindset, I found it easier to focus on lessons and, for once, I wasn’t disrupting my learning with images of Jonathan and Natalie but the typical games which I enjoyed playing. It felt surreal for my tribulations from two months prior to vanish just by talking to people who I thought I would have trouble relying on just because I used them as an excuse to make my one illusions of being lonely.
     I regretted hiding and pretending like I was okay when I was too blinded by my own selfishness to perceive the kindness before me. If I had told them sooner, I wouldn’t have caused them such apprehension and I wouldn’t feel as miserable as I did when I concealed the truth. Even though the experience of owning up was one of the most daunting occurrences I had ever gone through, my temporary trepidation was a worthy trade for relief and mutual trust.
     As usual, Ms. Gabrielle delegated us with math assignments that had to be given back tomorrow, but as expected as it was, the little gesture could have spoiled my entire mood if I wasn’t feeling carefree as of now. Unfortunately, since she had only passed out the homework at the end of her lesson, there were no minutes to spare on the sheet of paper. However, I wasn’t as bothered as I was in the past as I had gotten used to doing my worksheets during my free time so I could no longer find myself complaining. Instead, I was glad I only had to concentrate on one subject today and planned on treating myself to watching videos afterward.
     I packed my belongings and embarked on my journey home, listening to songs I had specially picked for my playlist. I arrived at an empty house, free from any sarcastic mentions about Jonathan’s late advent and occupied with the determination to complete the tasks set out for me. Pushing the door to my room open, I stepped in with my earphones still plugged in and settled myself down on the chair. Placing my phone down on the desk, I dug out my essential materials and began working on the first problem. 
     Only several minutes had elapsed while I was humming and reading through my resources for the third question when my door suddenly burst open, causing me to flinch and tug the wires of my earbuds. The figure at the doorway only surprised me further as I somewhat envisaged Dad at the spot, even though he still had a couple of hours to work before he returned. Jonathan stood there with an awkward smile as he greeted me, earning a silent wave back in response from the shock. His bag clung to his back with a strap falling off his shoulder, suggesting he had just entered the house mere seconds ago.
     “Hey,” he nervously laughed. “I just got home.”
     “Um . . .” I shot him a weird look. “Welcome back?”
     He walked over to my bed and sat down before abruptly apologizing due to unknown causes. When I asked him if everything was okay, he then explained his reasons for his apology. He remembered his agreement to study with me but he never had the chance to keep that promise because he had been busy. He did not go into detail about what had kept him immersed in his own duty which made my nose scrunch up as I had a hunch it involved Natalie. Nevertheless, I reminded myself of the conversation I had with the group and shrugged it off, refusing to let my inner demons influence my behavior.
     He invited me to do homework with him in his room this time, and with no reasons to turn him down, I agreed. With the yearning to reject him as an old habit, I was still uncertain about going along with his intentions even though I actually looked forward to being with him again. It was my turn to move my things over and Jonathan, who was already here, volunteered to help.
     After spending most of my time away from him, I didn’t know what would await me. I wondered subconsciously if anything about him had changed but there didn’t seem to be any visible differences. Despite everything being the same as it always had been, I couldn’t keep my heart from pounding from what felt like nervousness and excitement. Having no previous experience in the field of romance, I had only read on the internet a few times that it was normal.
     I wasn’t exactly sure when I had begun to feel this way toward him as I could only recall finding him a pleasure to be with, it was only evident when someone had a closer relationship to him than we did. Envy never once rose in me when it came to the other members as they didn’t seem obsessively attached to only Jonathan, and not once had I imagined any one of them being a potential partner for him. Today’s incident made it impossible to even consider such an idea as well, considering the girls were both in love and the siblings could care less, with Seth being asexual and aromantic, and Jack who was only attracted to pulling his grades up and having fun at the same time.
     Jonathan dragged his chair out and slumped in his seat, stacking several pieces of printed papers which were yet to be stained with blue ink. The familiar sight made me snicker as I knew very well the suffering one had to go through to finish all of them. I jokingly wished him good luck to which he rolled his eyes and smirked, confirming he would be okay since he was able to depend on someone smart.
     Like a rock submerging into the depths of the ocean, I could feel my heart sinking as I assumed the person he mentioned was Natalie. Without the others to assure me, I told myself to loosen up and that the comment didn’t hold any value. I scoffed playfully in response and told him to shut up, but as much as we were fooling around, I didn’t want to hear anymore.
     “You should do your work before you can’t finish them on time,” I said, turning my gaze to the book and flipping my resources to the page I had left off.
     “Never thought I’d hear you say that,” he chuckled.
     “Well, I did, so be quiet.”
     He obliged and started to answer the problems effortlessly without needing to refer to any materials, as if he was bragging about his abilities through his efficient pace at writing the answers the teachers sought. I shook my head and turned my attention back to the display of words, only to finally find what was required.
     As we both indulged in our assignments, peace and tranquility hung around the ambience between us and I soon forgot about the comment which perturbed me. After an hour, I was reaching the end of my task before Jonathan announced his completion with a smug expression. I congratulated him half-heartedly as I concentrated on the alphabets I was drawing and eventually gazed at the pile in front of him. Noticing that there were still a couple of pieces set aside, I pointed it out and got apprised of the different deadlines.
     “You’re doing better than I thought,” he smiled. “Looks like your efforts paid off, huh?”
     I merely shrugged, feeling dissatisfied at having to depend on the textbook for answers frequently. “It could be better.”
     “If you don’t understand some of them after you’re done, we can go through them together.”
     Hearing the scraping sound against the floor and feeling something pressed against my shoulder, I lifted my head to see that Jonathan had gotten closer to me and he was examining my worksheet. His shoulder touched mine as he leaned slightly forward so that he didn’t have to squint his eyes. My chest tightened at the proximity and I immediately twisted my gaze back at the paper before agreeing as nonchalantly as I could.
     Feeling his tiny warmth against me made my heart flutter and hindered my ability to concentrate, but I urged myself to finish the remaining couple of questions. However, even after I was done, he didn’t move away, leaving me no chance to breathe. We stayed in this position for the rest of the time we studied, and funny enough, it seemed even some questions got Jonathan confused and we had to review the explanations together. Who knew giving an attempt at genuinely studying would be as fun as venturing somewhere out of the house?
     I missed the delight I got from being with the teen and it filled my heart even further to see his visible joy from his smiles. However, as much as I wanted to see him with such a joyful expression on his face, I was discontented with his tendency to drag Natalie into the conversation. At first, he was being indirect about her, but when he got comfortable, he faced no challenges in linking everything to her. For example, how she introduced him to a cafe he favored, how she taught him certain things and shared interesting information with him. It was as if he had developed an obsession with her.
     The more cheerful he got, the more impotence consumed me as I started to reconsider my options. He clearly saw her the way I saw him, so it was obvious they were meant to be, taking into the account her clinginess toward him. Perhaps, I didn’t actually like him the way I proclaimed, but maybe this was all a misunderstanding. I could have possibly just seen him as a close friend which I didn’t want to lose and mistook that for love.
     Yeah, that’s probably it, I agreed.*
     I didn’t have to overthink such trivial matters as I knew what I needed to do. I shouldn’t interfere with his visible love for Natalie, I should just focus on my friends and getting to know them more. That way, I was sure I would never feel the same loneliness again.
     I excused myself and told him I was going to take a nap as I was feeling lethargic. I thanked him for the invitation and gathered my things before going back. I dumped my items onto the table and flopped onto the bed, face buried deep into the velvety material of the pillow. I was aware what the best thing to do was, but yet, I didn’t want to admit that my agitation was behind all of these awful lies yet again.