Captain America: Love in a Time of Loss

Acceptance

"You're deep in thought," Steve pointed out, rousing Kyle from his memories. The two of them were laying on Steve's bed, their bodies still warm from recently having sex. Since they'd begun seeing one another, Kyle spent less and less time in his dorm. Steve's rooms had become a sort of home for Kyle. The months that followed their initial coupling had solidified this.

"Sorry. Just thinking about the finals," Kyle hastily said. It wasn't a total lie; he was worried about his final exams.

"I don't think you have much to worry about," Steve said before pulling Kyle against his chest and kissing him. "You're smart. Plus you had me helping you out with all of that World War II history."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "You love to bring that up."

Steve smirked and ruffled Kyle's hair. "Of course I do. I like to think you aced that test because of me."

The pace of their relationship had been quicker than Kyle would have normally thought he'd be comfortable with. But Steve was easy to spend time with. He was gentle, nonjudgmental, and he listened. It also didn't hurt that he was basically the hottest man Kyle had ever met.

And he's all mine.

Kyle relaxed into Steve's arms and gently traced a finger over his chest. As he did so, he contemplated that thought. Was Steve truly all his? He casually looked over at the far wall where Steve's bookshelf stood. Among the rows of highly-organized books there were the occasional framed photos. One of them was an old picture taken during World War II. And in it, standing next to Steve, was Bucky.

He's only mine because Bucky is dead.

That thought hit him and suddenly a cascade of negativity settled in like a fog over his brain. There had been times when Steve had brought Bucky up and was honest about his former relationship. Kyle appreciated the transparency but couldn't help but compare himself to the dead soldier. Through pictures and Steve stories, Bucky was so handsome and possessed a certain confidence and swagger that Kyle felt he could never compete with. The fact that he was dead made him feel that Steve wouldn't have ever even noticed him otherwise.

"Tell me what you're thinking about," Steve prompted.

Taking a deep breath, Kyle decided that maybe it was time to speak up. Crazily enough, he'd become mostly open in the recent months. "I know this is going to sound really insecure. And I know it's weird for me- the person who doesn't want to get close to anyone- to say this. But I can't help but compare myself to Bucky."

Steve took it in and was silent as he rolled the idea around in his head. It hadn't occurred to him that this could be a possibility and he suddenly felt a pang of guilt. "Have I been talking about him too much?

"No! Not at all!" Kyle exclaimed. Bucky had been such a large part of Steve's life for so long and losing him had been a massive blow. Even if he did harbor a slight bit of jealousy, he couldn't imagine restricting Steve's freedom to talk when the super soldier had been so eager to hear all of the contents of Kyle's head that he wished to share. "You and Bucky had a history. You were so close. I would never want you to feel like you couldn't talk about him."

Steve studied Kyle's face, seeking out any signs of distress. Kyle never thought he'd find himself thinking this, but he really liked the way Steve paid such close attention to him. It made him feel like there wasn't another soul on the planet.

"I don't ever want you to feel like you have to compete with the memory of Bucky," Steve finally said. "Yes, he meant a great deal to me. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt that he was dead. But sometimes I tell myself that there's a silver lining to his passing. I loved Bucky. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel responsible for him. Responsible for his happiness."