Mirific Flower Petals

60

from now on and days to come
the greatest demons are always within ourselves—the ghosts of our past haunting us loom with the murk we already buried long ago. the realization that we have to let go of bygones makes it real that we're about to embark on change, on a new illuminated path. it can be scary, definitely scary without the past clutching around our hearts anymore. it's terrifyingly unfamiliar but also easy on the heart. hesitation lingers at the back of our minds and we should take our progress one step at a time. the brumous cloud of doom over our heads will soon fade into a glorious crown of sunshine. 

this is a gentle reminder to ourselves from now on and days to come that we are worthy and we deserve more than dwelling on the past inhibiting us to move forward. we are worthy of living free from the chains of our past as we balter like nobody's judging and harmonize like nobody's listening. our past cannot and will not make a home out of us.

fleuwrites

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Dakota's mere presence brought him back to where they were almost a decade ago. Delonix plummeted back into the years of ridicule and torment he longed to finally forget. For a split second, they were back to teenagers in their high school uniforms. The denial that she was once a part of his life suffocated him; he couldn't stomach how they were related then. Sinusuka niya 'yun, kinasusuklaman ng bawat hibla ng pagkatao niya.

For Delonix, writing was his everything, his own time stopper. There wasn't a time that he didn't have his writing journal with him then. Palaging may kumikislap na bagong ideya sa kanya, hindi siya nauubusan. Delonix was an inspired aspirant—that made him distinct from other people.

Dakotaʼs entrance into his sacred life brought him to his unprecedented downfall. She was once someone he cherished the most, alongside Cyrux and Kiva, but she didnʼt reciprocate the same sentiment.

What was easy for Delonix to uphold was easy for Dakota to demolish: his inspiration and motivation.

It was the worst betrayal for Delonix to date... When Dakota decided to turn her back on him and demean him for his writing and interest for writing, flames blazed his walls asunder. Every day, he had to live with ridiculous and judgmental indignities just because he has the heart of a writer—a heart not everybody could live with bravely and fiercely.

The inspired aspirant in Delonix ratched down vapidity. Every minute it took to puzzle himself back again into one piece felt like an eternity. He was never lost but he was adrift. He was never incomplete but he was hollow. He was Delonix but he felt like a stranger.

With apathetic eyes bored of the faux worry and concern in Dakota's eyes, Delonix faced her and slumped his shoulders. A lot has definitely changed since they last interacted. Delonix used to be a disconcerting pile of mess for she tore the scraps of himself he would never be able to reconnect; now, he stood with the confidence neither of them anticipated then.

"You wanted to talk," tamad na saad ni Delonix.

Tumango-tango si Dakota, "I did. Matagal na... I've been meaning to apologize, Delonix."

He tried his absolute best to suppress the ridicule in his voice. "Why?"

Why now? Why ever? Why when everything is already going well for me?

"I just want to—"

"To what?"

"To—"

"To clean your stained reputation for me? Or to apologize to make yourself feel better?" he continued.

She heaved a sigh, "Yes..."

"I donʼt want it," Delonix rejected, inserting his hands inside his pockets. Regardless of which part of his question she agreed on, he continued to speak, "Seryoso? Inisip mo ba na gugustuhin ko pang marinig 'yan? Ayaw ko na ngang makarinig ng isang salita mula saʼyo e."

She attempted to take a step forward. "I know, I was aware that you might've felt that way. What I did... was probably unforgivable... but I wanted to come back because I regretted what I did and what it did to our friendship."

"You came back here for that?"

She nodded and pushed her hair behind the shell of her ear. "Yes. I know I've caused you enough pain already but..."

"Still donʼt want it."

Despite how everyone depicted him as a person who bears grudges, Delonix was a long believer of burning bridges. The relationships that he failed to maintain and keep shaped his upbringing now. He wasn't the type to recline and pretend everything went fine; it took him more time than he wanted to fix the cracks they inflicted. Over time, as more and more people leave and disappoint him, he has learned to protect himself and his space from other unworthy people.

"Delonix, donʼt be like this to me. Deserve ko rin na mapakinggan mo."

He scoffed his intestines out because of the gall of the woman in front of him. In fact, he knew she was right. She deserved that; everyone deserves to be heard but what happens after that was up to the recipient to decide, not the perpetrator.

"For what itʼs worth, I forgive you."

Dakota persisted, shaking her head in between the words, "Please... just hear me out first."

"Save it," he asserted.

"Why are you being like this? I just want to apologize kasi I realized na yung mga ginawa ko sayo dati hindi ko dapat ginawa in the first place."

She might have realized that now but she had no idea of what he had to go through before. She didn't know about the constant self-doubt gnawing at his confidence, the constant fear for even the slightest criticism that affected his esteem, the constant distrust her brutal actions entailed upon him.

It sucked that he had to be responsible for the awful things she did to him. That he had to repair himself on his own while she moved to another country without the weight of her wrongdoings.

However, he was afraid as much as he was furious. Among the things he feared related to Dakota and their past experiences together, the only thing he feared the most was his return to square one once the remembrances of the friendship came out of her mouth directly. He feared that his long-awaited apology would be the one to destroy him again.

"Live with your unsaid apology. Suffer every day with that bugging your mind as how I suffered with you for all those years. I want that to eat you alive until your consciousness betrays you as well."

She stifled a scoff, the words she had been itching to scratch decayed at the brink of her lips.

"No... That's not—"

"I want you to live with the fact that I forgave you despite everything youʼve done to me but you never got to say what you wanted to say."

Dakota chewed the cud on the few footsteps he imprinted on the sand after Delonix left her staring at his back.

"Live with it... and try to move on. Ayaw kong may mag-uugnay pa saʼting dalawa," he exhaled his final words.

The inspired aspirant in him was utterly overwhelmed by the rush of emotions waving in his system. The conclusion of their act has finally ended and for a long time, he had never felt this alive... this light... this free... The cinders of the bridge he burned vanished into the abyss of what was once remembered and loved.

This... is probably for the best.