The Potion Master and the Portrait

The Portrait, part 3

From the shadows of the Apothecary Shop, black irises impatiently watched the door that lead out onto the Little Snug Alley. Eventually, he saw the tall and slender figure striding along the poorly lit alleyway in the direction of the door. It was his nearly-white hair that was visible first in the darkness. Severus didn't fail to notice that there was a light spring in the young man's step, one that he'd never seen before.

'Well?' he drawled, once Draco had locked the door to the shop behind him and lit a lantern to bring a little light into the darkness.

'Well what?'

'How was your date?'

'It wasn't a date, Severus.'

'Obviously,' drawled the sallow man from the shadows. 'Though you undoubtedly spent the evening staring into each other's eyes over a small table as you ate and chatted about nonsense. Have you progressed to endearing nicknames yet? Have you... kissed?' he said distastefully.

'Shut up,' said Draco quietly.

'So which of the two is it, nicknames or –'

'-both. Though I requested he refrained from calling me "Dray" for the moment.'

'At least you're not dragging this out painfully. That is, if we exclude those six years of torturous flirting during your school days at Hogwarts.'

'We were categorically not flirting while at Hogwarts.'

'Hmmm...' said Severus slowly.

'I tried to curse him and he nearly killed me.'

'Do you know anything about the mating rituals of sea slugs, Mr Malfoy?'

'Don't be ridiculous. Why would I know anything about that?'

'It's fascinating. Do not be so quick to dismiss our neighbours in the animal kingdom, you can learn much from them.'

'Like how sea slugs mate? No thank you. Please don't ruin my evening with foul stories about equally foul animals. The only thing sea slugs are good for is potions that treat STI's, I need no further information on them.'

'You realise that the reason they are good for treating sexually transmitted infections is because of their hermaphrodite properties. And it is precisely because of this that wars are waged between couples over who will carry the eggs and who will fertilize them. The fights are called... penis fencing.' There was a barely hidden tone of amusement in the deep tenor voice. 'They constantly try to stab each other without being stabbed themselves. Does it sound... familiar?'

'Ugh! I'm going to bed. You're purposely ruining my evening.'

'Of course, there's the preying mantis, where the male tries to mate the female and if he gets it wrong, she bites his head off.'

'I was not trying to mate Harry when we were at school.'

'Of course not. Perhaps you're more like porcupines, you know, those spiny, prickly creatures. Very apt. The males literally piss on their mates from a great height. That's a superb metaphorical description of you two. Especially as the male likes to climb a tree to do so. Best height; about seven feet up. If the female likes it, she mates him into exhaustion, a good session of about twelve hours in longevity.'

'A good session...' exclaimed Draco, studiously ignoring the unsubtle hint that Severus knew he'd climbed a tree in the fourth year just to taunt Harry.

'All I'm suggesting is that aggression during courtship is not unusual. Particularly not amongst mammals; lions, gorillas, kangaroos –'

'-will you please stop.'

'Only if you tell about your date.'

'It was not a date. It was supper.'

'Was there low-volume music?'

'Yes,' muttered Draco.

'Were there candles?'

'I don't know why I keep you.'

'The interest fact about kangaroos is—'

'There were candles.'

'Did he wine and dine you?'

'You know he did.'

'And you kissed?'

'Yes, briefly. I kissed him to say thank you and goodnight.'

'Good. You can enjoy this, Draco.'

'I was, until you started talking about sea slugs having penis-fencing competitions. How long have you been waiting to use that useless piece of information?'

'It was worth the wait,' Severus said in an amused tone.

'I'm going to bed.'

'So you said... five minutes ago... Did he offer to save your business?'

'Yes. Do not say "I told you so".'

'Are you going to use his name?'

'Not necessarily. We'll see what damage he's about to inflict on Zabini first.'

'You told him fully about Zabini?'

'Yes,' said Draco with a tired sigh.

'Good. You are right to trust him. He will fight in your corner for you, you could do with that.'

'I don't need Harry's pity.'

'Do you really think he's doing this out of pity for you?'

'No, he's too sanctimonious and honourable. He hid his temper well when I told him about Zabini.'

'He is growing up. Explain what you mean about the damage he's about to inflict on Zabini,' Severus demanded, intrigued.

'He got accosted by someone from the Prophet. They wanted to know what his current plans are. He said he was reviewing his options. Anyway, the hack told him that apparently Zabini is looking for an Apprentice. Harry casually asked if the reporter happened to know his credentials. Which means they're now going to do some digging and publish an article either declaring Zabini's fraudulent credentials or clearing his good name from the vicious rumours that are circulating.'

'What vicious rumours?'

'The ones that Harry has apparently just started.'

'He still has the ability to surprise me. I suppose that's his Slytherin side.'

'What Slytherin side?'

'He was initially sorted into Slytherin in first year. He argued against it. It's a good thing he did, it would have proved awkward when it came to my... hating him.'

'Back up a moment. What do you mean he was initially sorted into Slytherin?'

'Just that. You remember that ceremony with the talking hat. Dumbledore told me that the naïve and ignorant eleven-year-old Harry Potter told said hat... you know, that important magical artefact called the Sorting Hat with centuries of ancient Magical wisdom... he didn't want to be in Slytherin House, thank you very much. I believe he was swayed in his opinion by a blond brat he met briefly on the Hogwarts Express.'

'I'm going to kill him.'

'I suggest you don't. Your business definitely wouldn't survive that.'

'You two can definitely do the Apprenticeship training together. It will be better for my health.'

'There's nothing wrong with your health.'

'My mental health. I'm going to bed.'

'Of course, goodnight.'

'Goodnight, Severus.'

'And sweet dreams...' the portrait said teasingly.

'Fuck off, Severus.'

It was at that point that the sallow man in the portrait slunk off to his partner portrait hanging in the Headmistress's office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. That is, he first went via a small and insignificant copy of the portrait that hung in Draco's shop - a small and insignificant copy that no one knew about apart from its owner, of course.

***