The World Through My Ears | From "Short Stories From My College Dorm"

The World Through My Ears

I'm sorry that I get so panicky when we're out in public--or even by ourselves together.

It isn't my fault, I swear. And because of how you react to when I ask you to stop makes me think I may just be overreacting. But all of the research I have done on this as well as officials say I'm not.

It's a condition called Misophonia, also known as Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome. It's an auditory condition where certain everyday sounds send waves of panic or rage through you.

I don't mean to cry or scream or get mad when you eat or hum along to a song, it just happens and makes me scared.

I ask for everyone to stop, I try to explain myself. But it doesn't work.

"You're overreacting." "Whatever you called it isn't real. If it is, why haven't I heard of it?" "Just ignore it."

I cannot ignore it. I've tried but it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel sick.

If I ask you to stop making a noise, please stop.

I understand if you forget the first few times, but if it continues you are just being mean.

I have been bullied my entire life for this, both before and after finding out it is a real condition. We had to do a Scarlet Letter experiment in school one day and I chose my misophonia to be my letter. I told my mom and she told me to be careful--if I tell anyone what it means it would get worse.

I had a panic attack in school one day because some boy was clicking his tongue and smacking his lips while chewing gum. My teacher understood and let me choose whether to leave the room to calm down or listen to music (which was against school policy). She ended up telling my mom when all of my teachers and the principle gathered together for a meeting with her over complaints about my grades.

I was tortured one day in seventh grade over this condition. Everyone ganged up on me in the library and started snapping their fingers--one of my trigger noises. I begged them to stop and they did not. I ended up screaming and sobbing and the girl who started it all laughed at me for reacting in such a way.

The only thing that happened to my classmates was a slap on the wrist.

My family tries to hold themselves back, but they slip up sometimes.

It is hard for me to listen to some songs and watch some movies and TV shows because of this condition. I end up having to mute entire scenes because of this. I even had to stop watching Hereditary just a few minutes in because of how bad it made me react. I love the Pitch Perfect movies, but I had to do breathing exercises during the opening of the World Champions scene when they were snapping. I'm watching a show called Bom Dia, Verônica for my friend and one of the characters whistles a lot so I have to do those exercises during that as well.

It is easier during songs and movies and shows for me rather than in everyday settings. You know you can mute them in media but asking someone to stop in real life can open doors to any reactions. They could kindly stop, or they'll tell you to simply ignore it or yell at you.

Misophonia is very real. It is hard to live with. It is not just people overreacting. We cannot simply ignore it.

I have to live with this for the rest of my life. There is no cure for it.