tricks of time ― grayson hawthorne [the inheritance games]

033. I...LOVE YOU?

I look up at the sky and then to the mountains. All I see are spinning, swirling colors. Flying around my head. I could not tame the thing that was terrorizing me. This was something I would have to live with forever.

Thoughts were rushing through my head faster than I could even encounter them, floating by as though I was freely bobbing in the ocean, out of control, no one to help, and no one to turn to. As time began to speed up, I could feel my thoughts become less coherent, streams of blinding unrealities, cascading floods of ridiculousness and insanity. Ribbons of red and yellow flew past my eyes, pink and orange assaulted my senses, overwhelming my mind with immeasurable amounts of unfiltered loudness. Bright white stars flooded my vision.

The door creaks open. I see Grayson. As he sits by me on the swing, I'm about to turn away and start running away from him despite the fact that I don't have shoes on. I didn't want to hear anyone try to console me right now- I don't think I could even take it. Yet he doesn't say or do  anything. He just sits there by me quietly. Almost as if I was invisible.

Something about his presence is comforting. The heat of a human being is comforting.

And for the first time, I began to be afraid. Usually, my mind was filled with order and reason, but now it was irrationality and chaos. I bent down, trying to hide my face in my bare legs.

A few weeks- even days ago, I would've been strong enough and determined to not show my weaknesses in front of Grayson. But right now, I didn't even care. For some reason, a part of me believed he understood me.

If only I could be smaller, immaterialize, maybe I could assume control over myself. I was bright. I should be able to correct myself, slow my mind and change my situation. At this point I began to loose one of my most important senses, the feel of my body. I could no longer perceive the touch of the things around me, and my entire body had gone numb.

The colors in my mind continued to climb in intensity and frequency, blinding me further, leaving only the sensation of a rapid spinning, as though I were on a merry-go-round gone wrong, spinning out of control, sure to crash soon.

What did I do to deserve this? Those were the questions I asked myself. What did I do, to deserve this horrible cyclone of inexplicable emotion and disorientation?

I thought through my life, remembering every memory, some hidden in the extraordinary ordinary of my life. My mother had, a few years ago, had died from heart failure. That was when Leslie came in. My wall of mental defense had fallen, leaving way for all of the despair in my life to charge through me. Because a person can only hold the world on his shoulders for so long before their resolve begins to crack, to weaken.

I had shut myself off in the past, using intelligence, hostility, and temperament to drive away those that could stand a chance of coming close to me, weakening myself to the outside world.  I had met others, though, in recent times, able to crack his hard outer shell and see through to who I was.

Throughout the years, I had managed to live through it. Soon, it became a memory. But for it to be re-kindled like this? It hurt. It hurt like hell. Leslie had helped loosen my load, forcing me into the light. Through what she had done, I had learned to trust others again, and began to see the wonderful complexity of the people around me, and the true beauty in the chaos of love, friendship and just humanity.

But now? The wall that I had rebuilt had been broken. This was all so close to being stripped away from me, with this revelation. I would lose all that I had built, all the people I had come to love.

I found myself purposely nestling into Grayson's chest. My tears were making his shirt wet, but it didn't seem like he cared. All he was doing was stroking my hair gently, whispering things softly in my ear that I couldn't make out.

"It's going to be okay," he whispers.

"How is it ever going to be okay?" I ask through small sobs.

"At one point," he says, continuing to stroke my hair, "you will find a way through it. I know it seems impossible now, but it will get better. I promise," he says.

As dazzling colors raced through my mind, I thought of Graysons words, and suddenly I began to see their beauty. I began to quit giving ground to the fear in my heart. I began to calm with the realization that he was right: It was going to get better at one point.

___

I don't know how long we stayed like that. I think there was a time I drifted off, wiped out from crying and panic. I woke up about 10 minutes ago, safe in my bed.

I stood up from the bed, almost disappointed to find it empty. Where was Grayson? And Jameson? Were they still awake?

For the first time, I began to contemplate what this all meant. Of course I shared a resemblance with Emily. She was my half-sister. So was Rebecca. There was so much that was yet to be answered. So many questions. So many answers.

But right now, I didn't have the energy to face those questions. Those answers. I didn't know how much more it would probably break me. As I walk through the house, Jameson is nowhere to be found, but I bet he's either drinking away in some corner or he's passed out.

Grayson, however, is in his room. Of course, he's awake. When he sees me in the door-frame, he looks up from whatever he's doing. The only thing I can see of his is his face- the light is off, and the moonlight is only doing little to illuminate the room.

"You're up?" He asks.

I go straight to the question. No beating around the bush. "I- Can I sleep here tonight?"

I don't need to see him to know he's shocked. That the girl who had rejected him, pushed him away, just weeks ago was now ready: begging him to be with him.

"I-," for the first time in a while, Grayson Hawthorne looked flabbergasted. "Yes— if you want to," he says, shifting over in his bed. I crawl in his sheets and I'm surprised that they already smell exactly like him.

"Tell me what happened that night now, please."

I feel his hand, big and rough, scooping hair out from my face. "Not right now," he says, whispering. "You need to sleep. You must be exhausted."

He's not wrong. I turn away from him and hug a pillow. He's being awfully careful in not being near me, not touching me, anything. A part of me wants him to touch me. Everywhere.

What are you saying? Go to sleep.

A few minutes go by of silence. I'm not sure if he's asleep already.

"Hey Grayson?" I say. 

A few seconds of silence.

Dammit. He's definitely asleep.

"Yes?"

I inhale quietly.

"I think I love you."

He takes a sharp intake of breath before somehow finding the courage to wrap his hands around my waist.

"I know," he says so quietly it feels like a whisper in the wind. "I know you do."

authors note

i wrote this chapter, and i still think that i can't process how much happened. but there you go guys, happy? they're lovers now! finally, leah stopped beating around the bush and understood that she loves him.

i love grayson and i cannot wait for the final gambit. it's coming out in like a month in a half as it's 7/09/22 as of when i'm editing this!!! as much as i want grayson for myself, i want him to be with avery. i do love jameson, but c'mon. grayson is just better, all around! you can't disagree with me.

please vote and comment, thank you so much!

word count: 1989 words