north//spencer reid

chapter twenty nine

The images of past cases swirling around in my head are terrifying and I'm hoping Amelia doesn't end up like any of them. I'm hoping I won't have to hold back my tears as I carry her casket across a freezing cemetery. I'm hoping I won't have to clench my fists as I try to force out a horribly written and jumbled eulogy about how Amelia would want everyone to move on and be happy. I'd never be able to move on and be happy without her. I'm hoping I won't have to sit on my balcony without her, needle and vial beside me as my hands shake and I cry out for my lost love. I tried not to think of the possibility of that life but now that I have, it's the only picture I can paint.

Garcia crouches down and picks up my medallion, holding it out to me. "Here. I don't think you should, you know, be spending a lot of time without it. I don't need to be a proper profiler to know that it comforts you."

I think about offering her a smile as I snag the medallion from her and start twirling it between my fingers again, but I just can't. No part of me can muster up enough fake joy to create something similar to a smile. So I just settle with silence, keeping my eyes on my lap as she returns to her seat beside Luke, whispering so low that I can barely hear them.

"Oh, my god," Emily sputters out in disbelief, staring down at her phone. It's the first words spoken at full volume this entire three hour flight, and it makes me cringe at the harsh break in stale air. "Everyone," she stands, looking around the jet to address the team, "Cat Adams is dead."

"What?" Tara asks in bewilderment, her eyes widening. "We just saw her a few hours ago, alive and well."

"She was found dead in her solitary cell, a single gunshot to the head. There was an officer in there who was dead as well, and, based on angles, it looked like the officer shot her and then himself."

I pull my knees to my chest, clutching my legs as tight as I can, starting to shake my head. "This is bad. This is really, really bad."

Matt furrows his brows, glancing to Rossi for support in his confusion, and he receives the help he's looking for. "What? Reid, this is good. We won't have to deal with Cat and her games anymore. She helped send you to prison. It sounds shitty, yeah, but she's made your life a living hell and–"

"I know that!" I snap at him, clenching my eyes shut. "For Amelia! It's bad for Amelia! That guard was obviously the accomplice who was feeding Cat information from Kelsey, and if they're both dead, that means that Kelsey is eliminating everyone else in this plan. He managed to convince the guard to kill Cat and then kill himself, god only knows what he's capable of convincing Scratch of, not to mention convincing Amelia of."

They all know I'm right, which is the exact reason why nobody says anything at first. Nobody tries to refute my theory, or make revisions to it, or even ponder it at all. I should be more relieved by the news of Cat's death because Matt is completely right. She is part of the reason I went to prison and she is part of the reason why I'm so traumatized and why I am the way I am now, but I have too many other things on my mind right now to worry about her again.

"Five minutes until descent," Emily starts quietly, giving me a quick glance as everyone sits down and gets buckled, and I move into an actual chair. "Local police and SWAT are meeting us on the scene and we're leading the takedown. We all know this is very gentle and that there's a very, very high chance Amelia will be inside. We handle this takedown with care and precision. There is absolutely no room for a single mistake."

I can barely keep myself together during the minutes between the plane touching down and arriving at the scene. I'm fiddling with my kevlar and trying to steady my breathing and attempting to erase images of needles and clutching my medallion. I'm trying not to blow up at anyone when they breathe or bump into me or just blink, but I'm so panicked and so on edge that I can't help it.