Kristen Bell Does Her Taxes

Kristen Bell Dances (Chapter 2)

CHAPTER 2

Kristen Bell was crying in the backseat of the pink and silver Jeep as Amy Adams haphazardly drove across the busy, scary streets of Los Angeles. Traffic was everywhere, and horns were blaring loudly. Kristen was used to the soundproofed private bus that drove her everywhere in this godforsaken town and was unaccustomed to the boisterous activity of commoners.

"Amy!" She cried aloud. "Why is there so much noise?"

But Amy didn't respond and instead just kept driving. As Kristen's whining grew louder, Amy's driving grew more erratic. Kristen had neglected to put her seatbelt on after getting in the car due to her being so upset at having a a flaky driver and she was being buffeted about in the backseat from side to side due to Amy Adams's wild driving.

"Amy!" Kristen moaned. "This is wilder than being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyland, a place I often go because I live nearby and as an actor they gave me a free platinum year ticket!"

Kristen tried to look out the windows of the Jeep but they were so dark that she couldn't see anything. Anyway, it wouldn't really have mattered because Kristen never drove herself anywhere in L.A. because she always had her bus driver drive her wherever she wanted to go instead. "Take me to Whole Foods so I can buy some organic carrots and imported hummus!" She would tell her bus driver and he would take her to Whole Foods and she would get the foods she would want from Whole Foods and then her bus driver would drive her back home up her long, long driveway and she wouldn't have to look where she was going even once so she had never learned any of the streets or even any landmarks.

"Drat," thought Kristen to herself. "I hope Amy Adams is taking me to Macy's because my ballet recital is in 15 minutes and if I'm not there then I won't be able to get enough tips to get my Popeye's chicken after before going home to do my taxes."

Amy Adams parked somewhere and said, "We're here."

Kristen got out of the pink and silver Jeep and looked around, hoping to see the Macy's sign that she performed next to. But alas, there was no Macy's sign. Instead, there was a big, ugly, old Sears sign! It was so faded from years of neglect and bad weather. There was always bad weather over this Sears (and probably every other Sears in the country and maybe even the world).

"Amy Adams!" Kristen shouted! "Why are we in front of Sears? Sears is a flop and I only dance in front of bops—like Macy's! Macy's has a Macy's Day Parade and big helium floats of Snoopy and The Boss Baby! Sears has nothing. One time I went to Sears looking for a cable and the service staff member who helped me told to try the Target across the street. Sears isn't good for my image. I'm not performing in front of a Sears. Neither here nor there nor anywhere!"

"Dance," Amy growled. "Dance, monkey, dance."

Amy Adams pulled out a boombox out of the backpack she had been wearing this entire time and put it on the ground. Then she pulled out a cassette tape of "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club and started playing it on full volume.

"DANCE, BELL, DANCE!" Amy shouted.

Kristen didn't know what to do and she was already in her corncob dress so she started the dancing the mid-act choreography of her one cob show which was normally set to Charlie Rich's "Popcorn Polly." A crowd quickly started to form.

"Is that Kristen Bell the actress in a corncob costume dancing to Culture Club in front of a Sears?" Someone asked.

"I think it is," someone else replied.

Kristen just kept dancing, putting her popcorn tip bag out so the crowd could give her the tips she needed for her fried chicken dinner. Even with Amy Adams glaring and stomping her foot over to her side and the different choice of music, Kristen thought her choreography was really shining as the kernels of her corncob dress began inflating, simulating a corn of popcorn popping on the hot surface of Mars, which Kristen believed would be the future home of the human race. Then Amy changed the tape to Kate Bush's "Suspended in Gaffa" which Kristen hadn't been expecting but she changed her choreography to the opening sequence to Dance of the Corncob Women, in which she simulates the growth of the corn plants themselves.

"I hope people are liking this as much as I am performing it," Kristen thought to herself as she twirled and whirled, her entire cob of a dress completely popped full at this point, just a whirling dervish of white popped corn, causing the salivating of many a small mouth.

The people in the crowd were coming forward in regular fashion and number depositing bill after bill into her popcorn tip bag. Twenties, fifties, even a few one hundred dollar bills! She would have enough tips to have extra chicken tonight! Kristen danced harder than she ever had in the 17 times she had publicly performed this particular choreography. The crowd was eating her up, or, at least, really wanting to.

Then Amy Adams turned the music off.

"Ok, show's over, folks," Amy yelled, gruffly.

"What?!" Said Kristen Bell, panting and red-faced. "I can dance more!"

"I know," said Amy Adams. "And you will."

Amy swooped forward in an elegant and calculated manner to snatch the popcorn tip bag from the ground and hustled Kristen Bell back towards the pink and silver Jeep.

"Deflate yourself and get inside," Amy barked at Kristen as Amy started counting the tips in the popcorn tip bag.

"Why did you take my tips?" Kristen asked, meekly.

"Silence!" Amy Adams bellowed at Kristen Bell. "Do you want to dance or not?"

"I do, I do!" Kristen said, tears welling in her eyes. She thought of the enraptured faces that had just been beholding her moments ago. The wonder she had inspired. "Yes, Amy, I need to dance."

"Then shut up and get in the car," said Amy Adams.

Kristen's dress had deflated completely at this point so she got in the backseat and this time she buckled her seatbelt.

END OF CHAPTER 2