Delilah

Chapter 1

I sat on my bedroom floor with the note I found in her hand. I could barely hold the damn thing. My hands are so shaky, my eyes are puffey, bright red and bloodshot. I can still see her eyes looking at me. Her pale cold skin from all the blood that's drained from her. Why did she do this. I can't cope without her. I need her. I can still hear myself screaming, and begging her to wake up. Well that's more trauma for me but how am I going to do this. My shaky hands unfolded the paper. My vision still blurry from the unnoticed tears streaming down my flushed face. I opened the letter and began to read-

𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝙳𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚕𝚊𝚑.
𝙸𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚒 𝚐𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚒𝚝.
𝙸'𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜. 𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍. 𝙰𝚗𝚍
𝚒'𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚏𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚒 𝚊𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕. 𝚒 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚘 𝚍𝚊𝚖𝚗 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚒𝚖𝚊𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚙𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚒𝚗. 𝚒 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚎. 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚒 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚐𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚐𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚋𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗. 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚙 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢. 𝚜𝚘 𝚒 𝚊𝚖 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢. 𝚒 𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚘𝚗. 𝚒 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎 𝚋𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢. 𝚒'𝚕𝚕 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚍𝚜. 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝙱𝚊𝚖𝚋𝚘𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚊 𝚒 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚜𝚎. 𝙸 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛. 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞
𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚊𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚍𝚊𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚎𝚝. 𝙰𝚕𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚒 𝚊𝚖 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚗𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚘 𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢. 𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚁𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛. 𝙷𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚘 𝚍𝚊𝚖𝚗 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚝𝚘𝚘. 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚏𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚊𝚗 𝚎𝚗𝚟𝚎𝚕𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚓𝚎𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚋𝚘𝚡. 𝚈𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚓𝚎𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚎𝚕𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝. 𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚞𝚗𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚗𝚘𝚠. 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒 𝚐𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚡 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚘𝚏𝚏 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚘𝚖. 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚒 𝚕𝚒𝚎. 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚏𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛. 𝙷𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 16𝚝𝚑 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚜𝚗𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚒 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚖𝚊𝚜. 𝙸𝚖 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚝 𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚢𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢. 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚐𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚐𝚘 𝚝𝚘 𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚛𝚎𝚍. 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝙿𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚙𝚊. 𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚕.
𝙼𝚘𝚖.

I let the letter drop out of my hands as I collapsed to the floor. I curled up into a ball sobbing even harder then I already was. I can't even breathe. I started scratching my neck and grabbing it trying to catch my breath but I just couldn't. I was having yet again another panic attack. 5th one today. As I lay there struggling for what felt like forever, I began seeing black dots and my vision went blurry. I blacked out eventually.

"Delilah" Rick shook me trying to wake me up and whispering my name.
I fluttered my eyes open and noticed I've moved from the floor to my bed. He must've carried me when he found me last night. I sat up groaning due to the banging head ache I've got. What I get for crying so much.
Rick snapped me out of my thoughts with his hand waving in front of my face.
"What are you doing" i whispered well tried to I could barely hear it myself.
"I need to go out and sort some papers out for the funeral." He said trying his best to give me half a smile. I could see the pain in his eyes. He was hurt as much as me.

She loved him so damn much. I didn't even notice the tears rolling down my cheeks until Rick wiped them away and cupped my face telling me it was okay before pulling me into a hug. I sobbed into his chest whilst he rubbed circles on my back and stroked my hair just like mom did when I cried. I miss her so damn much. It's only been a week and only yesterday I had the courage to read that letter. I fell back to sleep whilst in Ricks arms with my face buried in the crook of his neck.

I woke up once again back in my bed surrounded by no one. I was alone. I hate being alone. My thoughts get the best off me. Mom would always be with me when she could. We'd binge watch lucifer or some other series or try and bake. Neither of us were good at baking. Rick always cooked for us and when we tried to help he'd smack our hands with the spatula telling us no. How am I going to do this without her. She's like my best friend, a sister and a mother. And now I have no one. No one to talk to about my problems. No one to help me through this stupid ass depression and anxiety. I can never talk to my friends because I feel like a damn burden when I talk about my problems. I'm so alone right now. I'm so numb yet I can still cry. Normally I can't cry or feel anything at all. Shit changes I guess.

Speaking off friends. I haven't been into college for a week either. I've had hundreds of messages and missed calls from Olly, Jake and Dalia but I haven't answered any. Their my closest friends. We've been together since kindergarten. All our moms were best friends too. Yeah. Guess I'll have to tell them eventually because the funeral is on Sunday.

How am I going to do it. I can't just say mom killed herself they'd think I'm some cold hearted bitch. No. I'll get Rick to tell them. And then the guys and Dalia will find out and stop spamming me.

I have to go back to college in a week. I just I wish she was here. I need her so damn much.

I can't cope without her. I need her back. I know it's a selfish thing to say but I'm struggling too. I tried to cheat life too yet I haven't once succeeded but she did. I'm so lost. Even more broken then what I already am. My heart is just shattered into a thousand pieces and I can't fix it. I'm going to be like this forever.