Crumbling Bridges {YuJae} | complete

twelve

TW: this chapter also contains references to disordered/binge eating. And it has lots of feels I'm sorry I got too into it again TT

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Jaehyun sits up with a gasp for the second time tonight. Shadows creep across the walls, the wind outside haunts him with concealed curses and howling whispers that make his stomach sink, and the sheets stick to his sweaty palms when he grabs at them, desperate for something to cure his shivers.

He had a pleasant afternoon. Once recovered from his breakdown, he chatted with Johnny and Yuta, then stopped by the bakery to buy two blueberry muffins for dessert. Even Hyejin commented that something seemed out of place over dinner. She narrowed her eyes when he presented the cakes, clearly feeling she deserved nothing of the sort since she did in fact smell of smoke, and Jaehyun hoped his eyes weren't swollen red from crying. He felt light enough to hum along to his LP collection while dusting around the photo frames in the corner of the living room: Hyejin graduating primary school, Hyejin when she won a local piano competition, Hyejin on her first day at high school. As much as the girl loves to complain about the photos being on display, Jaehyun loves the way they bring life to the apartment. They're a normal family as far an any outsider knows.

While he clipped his fingernails and dried his hair, Jaehyun could look in the mirror and not writhe under the judging eyes of his reflection. Opening up to Yuta plagued him with anxiety, but his muscles weren't so tense after, the dread of his friend finding out not lingering like the threat of a storm cloud anymore because he took the leap and said it all himself. And it wasn't so bad.

He'd predicted all kinds of horrible outcomes, but Yuta held him to his chest and stroked his hair and reassured him with such sincere words, and even hugged him again at the end of their shift.

But as soon as his head hit the pillow, the demons slinked out of the shadows and now Jaehyun tugs the sheets over his head to try to drown out their menacing mantras and catch some sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning, he curses and sits up. The alarm displays twelve minutes past midnight. His eyes ache in protest when he turns on the bedside light, and he breathes out. His fingertips tingle with the urge to either run a marathon or smash all the glasses in the kitchen cupboards. But he's exhausted, physically and emotionally, and sleep is just as tempting.

Jaehyun stands anyway. Something tickles his foot, and he flinches, paranoia surging through his chest, but then he smiles when he realises it's only the teddy bear. Yuta texted him at around six to ask his address. He appeared on the doorstep ten minutes later with a proud grin as he thrusted the stuffed toy and a box of chocolates into Jaehyun's arms before the younger even had the chance to greet him. Jaehyun caresses the top of the toy's head. The glassy eyes that stare back contrast the softest honey fur Jaehyun has ever felt. He twirls the end of the red bow as he pads out the room.

"I'm sorry, buddy, I must have kicked you on the floor." Jaehyun whispers to the bear once he's reached the kitchen. "You're so cuddly." Grabbing the box of chocolates off the counter, he shakes his head in disbelief that he's already emotionally attached to the bear and returns to his bedroom.

It used to be his and Sanghoon's bedroom. Johnny helped him redecorate after the breakup, but even so the shadows loiter. The bed feels empty. Sometimes, he lays down and almost mourns the feeling of his ex-husband's arms around his waist. The grip was tight, but it was warm and promised the attention Jaehyun wanted.

"Perhaps we could move." Jaehyun ponders. The first chocolate melts on his tongue and he closes his eyes to savour the sweetness before looking down at the teddy bear beside him. In the silence, so many memories hang off the walls and he realises he couldn't detach himself from them, no matter how many nightmares disguise themselves as cracks in the cream paint.