All I ever wanted

30.

"Why you didn't tell me earlier? About your feelings?" I decided to ask, nervously.

"Why you didn't?" He responded, I heard from his voice that he was smirking. I couldn't see his face, his curls were all that I saw.
"Yeah.. you're right." I chuckled, and I felt stupid to even ask that. Of course he has the same reason, scared to say it. Scared to admit the fact that you're in love with your best friend.
And being afraid of what the other one will think about it, will it ruin everything.

After couple hours of laying and cuddling, we decided to stand up and eat some breakfast. After that we went outside for a walk. We walked close to each other, but we didn't hold hands or anything.
Someone could see us.
"You know.. I remember how Santeri used to tease me. He always said that he sees how you're looking at me. But I didn't believe him." Olli suddenly chuckled.
It made me smile.
"So you didn't see it, the way I looked at you?" I smirked and looked him. He smiled.
"You didn't see the way I looked you either." He grinned. I chuckled a bit and shook my head lightly.
"Maybe we didn't saw that, because we were used to it. We had always looked each other like that, so.. I think it was normal to us." I shook my shoulders.

"Yeah, I think so too. If you or me would've told about our feelings.. do you think we would have been dating then?" He asked curiously.
"I think and hope so.. life would've have been better." I sighed.

"But I let you down by dating -" He started but I interrupted him.
"Hey.. please don't. Let's forget everything from the past, it has been long time anyway. Let's forget that woman and all. Let's focus on presence, and to future." I stopped and he did too, I took his hand and he nodded lightly.
"Yeah.. I'm sorry..." He regretted and looked our hands.
"Don't be..." I said quietly.

I knew I didn't believe a thing I just said.
How can I say to him that let's forget the past, when I have been the one who couldn't have forget for the past ten years?
Yes, it would be the right time to forget, but what if I can't? What if.. for the rest of my life I will blame myself.
I have him next to me, but god knows how long?
I can only wait for the day with fear when he will find a new apartment from Oulu and he will leave.
Should I go with him?
Maybe I should focus on this day, not thinking about future that much. The day will come, and then it will come.
But until that, I will focus on him. To us. Spend time with him.
Tomorrow is monday, he will go to the studio and I'll go to work. I don't want to go there. I need something new to my life.
I need some new challenges.

"What should I do with my life, Olli?" I said frustrated as we sat on a bench, near the ocean.
"What you mean?" He frowned.

"I hate my work in the cafe. Disgusting thought to even go there tomorrow. I have been there for too long." I complained and he looked like he had something in his mind, he was silent for a moment.
"Come to the studio tomorrow." He said, I frowned.
"What about my shift?" I asked confused, He smirked.
"Remember how you used to skip school? Call there and say that you're sick." He grinned and poked my shoulder. I nodded amused.

Yeah, those old times. I used to skip school and classes many times, because I just didn't care. Sometimes we did it together with Olli, then we had detention when some teacher saw us leaving early.
Detention, it wasn't fun, but we had fun. We sat in some empty classroom, and the teacher made us sit far away from each other.
Still, we switched gazes and made fun faces, and pointed to the teacher at the same time. The teacher used to read usually, so he didn't pay attention to us.
We tried so hard not to laugh, and it was impossible sometimes. I remember that one time when he let out a short laugh, and the teacher looked him so serious. Then he apologized, and it made me almost laugh too.
But when we realized the fact that we, or me, have to take school serious so I could go to the Madetoja's high school as Olli and Tommi too. I started to do a lot of work, and it helped. But then everything went down again when he started dating that snake, Emilia. Ugh.. I can't even think about her name, it makes me feel like I want to throw up.
So.. I had no friends at school, except Tommi. We hang out often, but mostly I wanted to be alone. Even tho I said many times to Tommi that I want to be alone, he didn't listen. I'm thankful for that, I told that I wanted to be alone, but secretly I wanted him to say. He knew that. But I didn't want to admit it to myself.

Then I started to skip school days again, sometimes. I was too weak to go, and I couldn't get up from the bed, thanks to depression. It was tough. But Tommi always came to see me after school, and he made me eat and smile.
But now, why Olli said that I can go to the studio with them tomorrow? I think they don't need me there, but I guess I'll see it then.
And there is Joel, I need to know what is going on in his mind, why he invited Emilia to the afterparty couple days ago?

Cuddles and cuddles, so cute.
Writing has felt hard, like everything else too. But I know that I'll be better soon! I can't promise when I'm publishing new chapter again, but I'll try to do it this week!
I'm very thankful to you all for reading this story, and leaving votes and comments <3 it motivates me a lot!
Stay safe and strong🖤