Song of a Sophomore

CHAPTER 32 - I'll Stand by You

What? My mom anything less than perfect? It was like I shifted into an alternate reality. Gloria was treating me like an adult, leveling with me with a newfound honesty and tenderness.

"My mom and I used to fight so much. I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough for her. She was always on me for this and that—my grades, my friends, my hair, my attitude. I only entered those pageants to make her happy and to prove I wasn't the failure she said I was. I don't know why, but I always carried this shame, and I guess it made me angry. I made some really bad choices before I met your dad. The point is, mistakes happen and you learn from them. I'm not mad at you. Not in the least."

"I never thought... you?" I tried to picture Gloria being scolded, feeling ashamed, and entering the beauty pageants to prove something to herself and her mom. Here I was, doing all this cheerleading and makeover stuff just to prove myself to her. The irony of it hit me like a sucker punch. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

"You'd be surprised. I'm more understanding than you think." She nodded and her eyes glossed over with sadness, like she was lost in melancholy nostalgia. I never considered her teenage years were anything less than perfect. I never thought there could be painful memories hidden beneath those Caribbean blue eyes. Maybe we were more alike than I thought.

"That's cool of you to be so understanding Mom."

"There's one thing I'm not cool with." Gloria's eyes sharpened and it was clear she was back in the present moment. "This whole twisted relationship with Bethany and Katelyn? It ends now. Friends don't do that to each other. You deserve so much better. Do you understand?"

"I understand," I said pulled my legs up against my chest. I stared at her from behind my knees, guarding the swell of emotion building in my chest. Is it safe to let it all out? Will she comfort me? I took a a chance. "I made a huge mistake not standing up for myself. I should have spoken up and told Coach Roberts right away, like you told me to do, but I was too scared. I'm always too scared. I even let everyone convince me the fall was an accident. I wanted to believe it, but, inside, I knew the truth. I wanted them to accept me so badly, Mom."

"I know, honey." Tears welled up in her eyes. "That's all anyone really wants. I wanted that for you, too. I wanted you to feel part of something and make some friends."

"I wanted to be part of the group, finally, and they seemed like they were sorry, but sympathy is not the same as friendship. I know that now." I was so angry now. "Why didn't I listen to myself? Why didn't I tell them off? Or report them? People don't just change overnight."

"You live and you learn, sweetie." Gloria wiped her eyes, and gave a reassuring smile. She's wasn't mad at me. She wasn't judging me. For the first time in a long time, I saw how much she cared. Her tears were for me.

"How could I be so stupid?" I banged my head against my knees. My head throbbed fiercely and I instantly regretted it.

"We all wanted to believe things would change," Gloria said with such tenderness it broke my heart. "Don't blame yourself. I pushed you too hard to go out for cheerleading. God, I did exactly what my mom would have done. I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me?"

I nodded.

Gloria sighed. "When the girls started teasing you, I should have gone with you to talk to Coach Roberts. I shouldn't have put that on you. I was just hoping you would find your way and finally speak up."

"I did last night, I really did. But, now, I feel humiliated. Mom, I totally embarrassed myself last night. The boy I like was there and I basically spilled the beans. I told him exactly how I feel—in detail—even though Katelyn is his girlfriend. And, then I was dancing around and rolling on the ground like a wild animal." I sighed and buried my head deep in my palms. "I can never go back to school again. Never. Ever."