Jess's Girl

Reconciliation

Lucy looked down at her hands as she sat by her window. Maybe she should just have a talk with him. After that night at the valentines event she couldn't seem to shake the feeling that she should. Did she feel pressured into it? Maybe he was just over riddled but guilt. Maybe she was an easy target and he was hoping to stroll down memory lane. She shook her head. She couldn't. She sighed softly. "He's got this hold on me..." she groaned and laid back on her bed. Jess' old bed. She spent many a time hanging out here with him before they moved.

She wished material things didn't mean so much to her. That she didn't get so emotionally attached. She rolled her eyes and rubbed her head. She felt a buzzing in her back pocket. She went to check her phone thinking maybe it was her professor or advisor. Nope.

It was him.

She hesitantly answered the phone. Shakily she breathed out, "Jess.."

"Hi Lucy.."

The cocky tone was gone. That was good. She'd be lesss agry that's for sure. She looked up at the ceiling; picturing just what he was doing right now. Was he laying in bed with regret too?

"How are you..?"

"How am I?" she furrowed her brows.

"I mean what have you been up to?"

"Since last week you mean." she said.

He sighed. "...Yeah."

"Shitty. Cautiously optimistic?" she breathed out not exactly sure.

"All things considered? Me too..." he said.

The burning in her chest begged to ask the question. "...Why are you calling Jess." she looked down. He heard nothing on his head but another sigh. "I wanted to apologize...And the less I said about the past the less inclined you would be to be mad at me."

"I don't care about the past Jess..it happened. It's gone. But I'm not gonna pretend like what happened didn't hurt." she told him. "I just don't understand...is this some kind of game to you? Get the unavailble girls?"

"No. No it's not like that." he told her. "...I was scared Lucy. We had a good thing and...and when I saw that the real stuff was starting to surface..instead of confronting it I wanted to run...and I did run... and Rory was doing the same.. And...we weren't good for each other, but..she was familiar and-and it was nostalgic and..." he sighed, "...I don't want you to think I'm talking to you because she's gone..."

"She's gone."

"Yes." he sighed. "She's moved on."

"How can I not feel that way about it then.." she said, "would you have talked to me like this if you were still together? No."

"Please Lucy, I'm struggling enough to say this as it is." he sighed, "I'm trying to tell you that I wasn't ready for any relationship.." he sighed, "Not as committed as that, not for a while." he sighed. "I was self destructive and self sabotaging-"

"Thats the same thing."

"If I could say it a million more ways I would, because that's what I was and it was bad." he said. "And..you? You didn't deserve that... you've done nothing but try and support me and go on my every whim. And I promised...I promised I wouldn't hurt you..that I would keep you safe. And I would keep you alive.." he breathed out. "I did the exact opposite...-"

"-I know Jess I was there." she cleared her throat trying to hold back the tears.

"I came back here to earn back your trust...to do what I promised to protect you and to keep you safe..."

"I don't need you to do what I've already been doing my whole life Jess." she told him, "I trust me, and I've been keeping myself safe thank you very much. I've been through so much shit but I am still standing." she told him, "I don't need you to do that for me. I don't need you." she said feeling her cheeks were now wet with tears. "..I don't need you Jess...I don't need you." she cried. She took a shaky breath. "But I want you..." she looked down ashamed to say it. "I want you in my life...not to protect me, not to keep me alive...I want you to be a part of my world...I want you to see how great I can be in my world.." she looked down, "I want to share my world with yours and I want to live my life with you in it..." she sniffed and wiped her runny nose. "But I don't want that Jess...greedy and cowardly. I'm done with him. I want the Jess that loves me.. That loves writing, that loves joking around with his family and friends. Thats excited for life."

"I will do.. Everything I can...to be him." He said. "I will. And I want to. With you Lucy. No one else." he said, "I was scared of that outline of life. House, dog, kids, marraige." he sighed, "It's still a little alarming but with you, that idea sounds so great." he said. "That future is a future I want. But only with you...I miss you Lucy. I miss you so fucking much. I love you. Lucy. I love you."

She breathed out uneasily. Something she had wished for months for him to say, for her to finally hear it. For him to finally call and reconcile. And she felt overwhelmed by emotion. By love and hope, and fear. She took a deep breath and exhaled releasing the negative. "...Thank you....thank you for saying that...."

"Tell me what to do Lucy..." he asked her, "I'll do it I will." he breathed out. "Please..." he begged, "I'll do anything."

She breathed uneasily staring at her ceiling once more. "Jess." she exhaled, "I need ...I need some time...you know like...like a breather... hearing you love me...? Is so amazing...but I need time to trust you..."

"Away from me?"

"N-no.. just...I don't think we can jump into this all at once you know...as much as we both want to..." she breathed out. "...Just...take it slow...you know? Talking and... getting comfortable in each other's presence again."

"Yeah yeah.." he agreed, "I understand."

"Thank you....thank you for calling..." she breathed uneasily.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No. Are you?"

"No." he chuckled sadly. She laughed sadly too. Lucy looked down. "...I don't want to hang up.." she admit, "I don't know how..."

"To be alone with your thoughts? Yeah.. me neither...everything is word vomit from my head these past few days.." he breathed out.

"That's why you were being such an ass.." she said, "The things you were saying were so benign for you.."

"Yeah... sorry..." he apologized, "I'm not proud of my stupidity."

"Well that's a relief." she joked. It was another weird laugh before they silenced once more. She looked down briefly and exhaled.

"Jess?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah?"

"...Stay on the phone with me?" she asked, "Please?"

"Of course." he assured her, "Don't even have to ask." he said.

They stayed on the phone like they promised each other. They talked. They laughed. They cried. And did it all over again for hours. It wasn't until the light peaked in the window of the apartment that she realized they should probably sleep.

"I can't sleep." he said.

"Me neither." she breathed out.

He sighed and hesitantly added, "I want to see you."

"That's probably not a good idea...we've got pretty high running emotions right now.." she said and looked at the time. She had to work in an hour.

"Will I see you at the diner?"

"Barely awake but yeah." she nodded.

"I look forward to it." he said.

"Me too.."